The hardest year of my life/how I made it

Last summer my grandpa died, and thus ushered in the hardest year of my life thus far. The 11 months after that included my parents getting separated and divorced, losing a cousin, and a painful miscarriage. It was a lot to take on in a year, and one year later I'm still standing, but in a radically different world than I did before.

I'm not saying I have come out unscathed from the hardest year of my life (thus far). But I am saying I survived- and I feel emotionally stable and healthy and in a good place almost every day now. I know it may not be the worst year of my life ever but by any standard it was a pretty life altering and terrible period of time. There are a million different ways to have a really hard period of your life, but I found that when I was doing certain things I was much more okay than when I wasn't- and the same may ring true for you.

1. Find your therapy. (Also, if you need it, get some therapy) Find something that's therapeutic for you, and make the time to do that thing. I write, and I exercise and I sat down and made goals about those things even though I've got a lot on my plate. This is related to recharging your batteries (below), but distinctly different. Therapy can recharge your batteries, but more than that therapy helps actively clear your mind and recenter your spirit.

2. Say no. There are "no" periods of our lives, and there are "yes" periods. (link here to a podcast I love that talks about this very thing) Essentially, it's ok to say no. Not to everything- but when you are overwhelmed and know what you need to do to stay afloat, say no to the things that are more than you can handle. Narrow things down, cut out the static and focus on the core things you need to focus on. (e.g. taking care of your mind, body, and your family relationships)  If you can't take on another project or responsibility it's ok to say no. I did this quite a bit on my hardest days, and I always looked back and was grateful that I allowed myself some grace. Sidetone: this is a lot easier to do and a lot less guilt inducing when you are open with friends and family. A straight "no" is a lot more harsh and a little less honest than a "you know what, I wish I could. We are going through a lot/have a lot on our plate right now and I really feel like I can't take this on right now"

3. Recharge your batteries SO. MUCH. MORE. OFTEN. For example, I like people and I like being with and talking to people....but when I need to recharge, I am a classic introvert. And so is Jay. I need to stay home and take a bath, and clean my house, and do my nails and read a book. And when you are in the middle of something really hard, you are so emotionally spent so often that you need to do more recharging than you might normally do. Maybe recharging for you looks like girl's nights or long walks or good workouts. Find out what recharges you and do more of it.

4. Sit in your feelings and feel them. Don't wallow in your feelings forever, but don't suppress them in hopes that they will disappear. (Big hint: they don't) Sit and take them as they come. Get mad, cry when you need a good cry, call a safe person and talk it out if you need to explode. If you don't know how to feel and express complicated emotions therapy is a good option to help you sort through them.

5. Hold onto your God and your spirituality with your life. If you've ever heard the term "buy low, sell high" the principle applies here so well. (can you tell I was raised by a father in the financial industry...?) The concept is that people get scared when things (stocks, etc) are low and things are hard and they bail out because it's scary and hard to stay. In reality, that is the worst possible thing you could do. You should evaluate whether to pull when things are high- the low times are when it's most important to stay and ride the curve back up.  Stay in the boat. Ride out the wave. All of these sayings are about staying on board with whatever was keeping you stable and safe even when it gets scary.

6. Keep your head up and look forward. There are so many things you can't control in the past or things that you could dwell on that could suck up your entire day, week, or year. No matter how intense or non-intense our hardships have been, this is true. But we also all have so many good things to look for in the future. We each also have new experiences and hope ahead of us. Tomorrow is always a new day and the good news is we can keep refocusing on the hope ahead rather than the tragedy and heartache in the past and sometimes the present.

Essentially, simplify your life and focus on the essentials. Really take a deep look at yourself and your situation to figure out what helps you. Be kind and forgiving to yourself, and even more than that be a little more kind and forgiving to others- because you know what it feels like to not feel your best.

The one college lecture I remember

There was a specific lecture in college in which I both decided on my major,
and also learned a principle I've never forgotten and one that has changed my life for the better.

Let me start by emphasizing that I believe we are all born to create. We are creative beings.
But I think too often we get caught up in the term "creative" as right brained or left brained or artsy or crafty or deep or borderline genius when really, I think it's much more simple than that.
We create every single day. We create in our relationships: we create trust, we create understanding, we create experiences. We create in our jobs, we create in our homes, we create in our social media presence.

Now back to the point. There I was in my intro to marketing class, and the professor asked us to think up a really cool, creative clock: one that's unlike anything we had ever seen before. So I sat, and my mind raced, and I came up with exactly.... nothing. Then he suggested we turn to our partner and create a new, creative clock that was an owl. So many cool ideas started to sprout- it could have wings that spread when it chimed or feathers that shimmered and glowed at the strike of the hour, or any number of cool things.

Then he revealed this simple principle that has changed my life: "Creativity loves constraint". It seems simple enough, but the more I thought about it the more true it became. You see, this principle changed my life because it changed the way I see constraints.

Every time I have a new constraint show up in my life, I try to figure out how that's going to stretch my creativity. How I'm going to make things work within that constraint. Jay and I have only had one car for over two years now, so I started going to the gym at 5am last year to make my schedule work. My schedule got more creative (and hard, but I really really loved that time) to work within the constraint. When Jay and I moved to Utah, we had a budget to buy a house with. Because of that budget, we bought a foreclosure to get a house we really truly loved. We would never have bought the house we did if we could have afforded a nice, new house just like it. I had to be creative to decorate our house on a  budget. I had to walk into DI and look at everything with a creative eye. I have had to learn new skills and new talents and make curtains and shop clearance sales and make old pieces work instead of buying new pieces. If a person wants to stop using foul language (constraint), they have to be creative and find new ways to say things! The list of examples could go on forever.

The moral of the story is we all have constraints. We have time constraints and budget constraints and constraints within our relationships. And it's really easy to look at those as negatives, but this principle taught me that it doesn't have to be that way.

And for good measure, here's Rory and I in our matching unicorn outfits that I made from things I already had on hand plus less than ten dollars in supplies because... can you guess? Constraints. 

So I want to hear what other constraints have forced you to be creative and learn new skills or create something in a different way than you otherwise would have!

Miscarriage: A Sorority of Strong Women

I was exactly 11 weeks pregnant on the day of our first appointment.

We were so so excited, and were planning to announce the happy news to our family the next week on vacation. We had braced ourselves for staying home for Christmas, because I was due in early January. We had Rory watch the Daniel Tiger episode about his baby sister to prep her to tell her she was going to be a big sister. My sister just had a baby in March, and our babies would be less than a year apart. Rory was so ready, we were so ready, our world seemed so ready for our growing family.

I had Rory in California, so I'd never met with an OB in Utah before. I'd done my research and read really good things about the OB we were meeting with and in the first two minutes, I knew I'd done a good job. He was gregarious and kind, and had incredible bedside manner. We wouldn't have made a different choice if we could've. My pregnancy had been relatively easy, and I hadn't been nearly as nauseous as I was with Rory. I chalked it up to being at home (instead of working full time) where I could rest more often and graze with a whole pantry of options at my disposal. Jay chalked it up to the baby being a boy. I'd been taking better care of myself and going to the gym 4 times a week wanting to keep that up as long as possible, and wanting to run a race with Jay's family in October if I could. It had really been a breeze, and I was feeling great. I had spotted a little here and there, but I spotted quite a bit while I was pregnant with Rory so I didn't think anything of it. The morning of my appointment, I bled ever so slightly. Jay asked me on the way to the appointment, "on a scale of 1-10, how worried does that make you?" I said a 5- I honestly wasn't worried. 

But the moment the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong. He kept searching and searching for what I knew from having a Rory should have been relatively easy to find. He couldn't find the baby, and when he did- he couldn't find a heartbeat. My reaction then was the same as it is now, almost two months later as I write this. My breath started coming rapid and shallow and I tried with all I had to hold back the tears. I pressed my cheek into the seat and tried to slow my breathing, but it didn't seem to matter what I did. By the time he told us out loud that our baby had no heartbeat I was sobbing. The kind of sobbing where you can't speak, and you can't move. He gave me a hug and told me he was so so sorry. That sweet, sincere man was an angel. He left the room and told us he would be back in a minute so we could talk about what happens next. What happens next is for another time, but giving birth to a baby no matter how small is a terrible thing to have to do if there's no screaming, pink, chubby-cheeked love on the other side. 

There was so much kindness shown to us those few days after and the subsequent week which I will never be able to adequately repay. 

Before this all happened, I really feel like God had prepared all of these tender mercies for me. Months before, I was painting my friend's nails and somehow her two miscarriages came up and she shared her experience. A friend in my neighborhood had a second miscarriage in a row and was brave and vulnerable enough to post what had happened and a public thank you to all of those people who helped her with meals and support. Family members had told me they had experienced miscarriages, and I knew they were not uncommon.

In all the pain of miscarriage, of losing a tiny person that I held and loved and planned for for months and years- I never felt alone. I'll never, ever forget sitting in the car after that appointment with Jay, just crying together and wondering what to do now. He turned to me and said, "You're joining a sorority of strong women". It resonated with me. It spoke truth to my soul. In all this heartache, there was this sorority of women who knew what I was going through and had gone through it before. There's something about standing together, even if it's only symbolically. 

And that's why I share these things that are hard and vulnerable and close to my heart. Every time I go to write things like this, I almost don't, because I don't want to bring undue attention or pity or judgement on myself. I share these things because somewhere out there there's somebody who had a heartbreaking miscarriage and felt all alone. And I want them to know it's ok, and it's painful and it hurts. But you aren't alone. And if you need someone to reach out to, I'm listening. Come join this sorority of strong women who have survived the pain you are feeling right now, and they will stand behind you and succor you. And instead of alone you can feel validated and strengthened. 

Because if we aren't all here on earth together to to that for one another, why are we here?

A picture our happy family of three. Because although I long for the day when there's more of us, we are really happy to be a family.

Of economics and of soul mates

I've sold more than one item second hand. Have you? I've sold unopened water filters and shoes and cars and mattresses, etc.

And there's one thing I've learned. (Aside from that sometimes people are flaky and the worst) And it's that not everything has a huge market. And sometimes, even with the things that you love most or have the most value, it may take a while to find the right buyer. Almost always, you just have to wait.

Example: after Jay and I got married I inherited this GORGEOUS black BMW. You guys, I'm talking black, sleek, gorgeous coupe. I felt like a million bucks in that car, and it drove like a million bucks. Black leather, great sound system, fast-- the car was a dream. Then we started feeling like we wanted to have babies and start our family.

You know what doesn't work with a carseat? A low, two-door, beautiful coupe.

So we looked up what it was worth, I detailed it by hand, we took to-die-for pictures of it on a mountain top, and we listed it online. And then....

*crickets*
  and.....
*more crickets*

We couldn't figure out why nobody wanted this car. It was legitimately perfect (I will forever mourn having to sell it in the first place) and I would have kept it forever and ever-- yet, it seemed like nobody wanted it. We waited and waited and waited some more. We received some interest without offers, and some offers that were laughably low. We took it to carmax, only to walk out with an offer so insulting my dad swore he would never do business with them. The whole thing was incredibly disheartening.

It made us question... was the car not worth what we thought it was? Was the authority we referenced to find its value wrong? But we hoped that wasn't the case, we stuck to our guns, and we waited. And you know what? It took a long time, but we found a buyer. We happened to be out of town when they came, and they asked my mom what our lowest price was. She told them a few hundred below list price, and they snatched it right up. And do you know what my mom told me later? She told me she thinks they would have payed full price. Maybe even more. This car was just what they were looking for, and they knew what it was worth. When you find someone who recognizes the value of what you have to offer, you don't have to cut them a bargain for them to want to take it home.

Now on to dating/marriage/self worth/the bigger picture here. Gosh, we all have so much inherit worth inside of us. And our hearts are on the market there for a little while, and sometimes longer. And it's tricky. It's all just really tricky. There's people telling us there is no such thing as a soul mate, and 'you can make things work with anyone'. But you date and date and date and there's still this nagging feeling that you just couldn't make do with what you've been handed so far. And if you feel like there's a soul mate out there for you it can be overwhelmingly heavy concept to carry. And it's just downright hard to reconcile all of the ideas swirling around on the subject with real life and how your heart feels while you're living it.

Basically, it's the worst. But I think our hearts are all a little bit like a precious item for sale-- in the midst of a bunch of other unique, precious items for sale. We're all different and look and feel and sound different and are made up of different stuff. And we're all worth a lot. But not everybody is looking for exactly what you're offering, or maybe they value you a bit under you're worth. Or maybe they would take you for half price but somewhere inside of you it sits wrong. You're worth more than that. And you sit... and you wait... and you wonder if you're worth what you thought you were, or worth anything at all. Maybe you're wondering if there's anybody out there that's looking for, well... you. And you wonder if whoever or whatever told you you were worth something was wrong, or maybe didn't know you well enough.

And here lies your option. You can take a lowball offer, a lot of people do I think. You can lower you price and take less because you think that's what you're worth. Or you can go to the source and the one who knows you best and ask. Ask what you're worth. Ask if you're loved. Ask if someday someone will come and see you and know your value.

You can find somebody looking for you. For some people maybe there's only one buyer in the world that's looking for what we have to offer, but I think for most of us there's probably a few who would see you and you see them and you both know exactly what the others worth, and are willing to pay the price to take that home with you. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes there just isn't any interest coming in, sometimes there seems to be a ton of insulting low ball offers, maybe somebody is interested but with some hefty changes here and there. And you may question what the heck you're doing here, or if it's all worth it. But wait. Be patient. I implore of you. The right one will come and jump at the chance to give all they've got to have you.

I was there. I remember. I remember the ones who were interested but fickle. The ones who thought maybe I was worth it, but changed their mind on the subject from day to day. The ones who just took a look and weren't interested in what I had to offer.

It's economics, people. If there's one buyer out there for you it's just bound to take a minute. If there are two or three that could work it will still take a minute. Every once in a while, fate smiles on people and they find each other right away without a lot of searching, but I think it's much less common. The rest of us must soldier on and exercise patience and try our best not to take our hearts off the market because it hurts to keep it up when it seems like there just aren't any perfect buyers out there.

How to help happy, a birthday list.

I had a birthday last month, and I made a list last year on my birthday that I never published. 

It still rings true so I thought I'd use it and add one more for this past year. 

I remember in high school a girl threw gum at my car...while I was in it. 

A drive by "I hate you" message, if you will. 

That experience really bothered me. It was such a blatant expression of hate, and I hardly knew her. 

After some sleuthing (it was high school. stuff gets around) I found out that the girl hated me because she thought I was fake. She didn't think anybody was actually that happy all the time. 

I couldn't decide whether that made me feel better or worse, because I wasn't faking it. I really was generally happy and tried to be nice. But I also wanted to be genuine, and I wanted people to be able to tell that I was real. Nobody likes being fake, and nobody likes someone who is fake. 

Mind you, my life wasn't perfect in high school. I had friends, but no close friends in my class at school, by my senior year most often ate lunch with the school counselor, and had blaring body image issues at play that eventually turned into an eating disorder. But though that was all very real and I had hard days, I wanted to be happy. So I did all I knew how at that point. 

I've gone through phases where I've been down and depressed, I think everyone does. 

But my life is easier and so much better if I choose to be happy, and I honestly believe it's a choice. 

And not that I'm any sage, but here are 26 things I've learned through trying (and sometimes failing miserably) that work for me:

1. Be nice and you'll never regret it (whether they deserve it or not). 

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt. 

3. Love your family above everything. 

4. Eat together. 

5. When you know you should, but don't want to... do it anyways. 

6. When you follow that advice ^ don't pout, it takes all the good out of it. 

7. Talk to your neighbors. 

8. If you think of something nice to do, do it. 

9. If you dream of something you want to do, do it. 

10. Don't let fear take your joy. Fight back (and if that fear comes from anxiety/depression:get help)

11. Love your body- it is amazing. And if it's healthy, you are more blessed than you know. 

12. Find your escape, and make time for it  (e.g.: reading, running, magazine browsing, painting, etc.)

13. Be confident in who you are. God made you who you are, and there's a reason for that. 

14. Eat what makes you feel good. Sometimes that's a cupcake, and sometimes it's salad. 

15. Figure out how to love your spouse even when you don't feel love toward your spouse. (*or friend, sibling, parent!)

16. We are all trying, and that looks different on everybody.

17. Practice self care. When you feel better, you do better. 

18. Pray. 

19. Practice patience, and if you aren't good you can learn how. 

20. Most things that you think you don't have, you can learn. (insert patience, talents, etc)

21. Learn your spouses (roommate/sibling/boyfriend) love language and speak it. Even if it's unnatural for you.

22. Figure out how to be happy where you are. 

23. Say hi to people, even if you are afraid. 

24. Say I love you. A lot. 

25. Make life meaningful- whatever that looks like for you.

26. Even if you fail, and fail, and fail- keep trying. 

So yeah, some days I feel mopey and tired and grumpy and fail miserably. But I keep trying and that makes a huge difference. When I look back, most days are happy days, not because every moment was happy but because I want to be happy and I make an effort to be.

So cheers to 26, and here's to hoping it's the most genuine, happiest one yet. 

Trials, survival, and thriving

The snow is not over. 

It will never be all the way over. 

(unless you live in certain parts of the world, in which 'snow' can be replaced with either heat or bugs) 

It comes back, whether it's in 8 months or 2 weeks. And some people hate it and some people love it. And some of us love it one day and hate it the next. 

I've thought a lot about it lately. And the snow draws this strong parallel to opposition/trial/heartache for me. Maybe because in a lot of ways snow can pose literal opposition. Whether it's opposition getting out of your driveway, or having to shovel or just the feeling of being freezing cold. None of those feel quite like the warm sun on your skin, am I right?

Anyways, I feel like it's ok to stay in for a day when it's just too much. And it's ok to not drive to the gym at 5am when the roads haven't been plowed. But life does have to go on, and we have a choice what we do with that bit of truth. We can go out and shovel before first light and enjoy the quiet peace and exercise that comes with that, or we can do the same and be miserable and cold. We can prepare to go out in that snow by wearing the right clothing, and driving the correct way for the weather, or act in protest of reality and be miserable.  

And everything applies the same way to opposition. Some days we're going to need to stay in and take cover, whatever that looks like. Some days we're going to need to show ourselves  grace and be okay if we were too overwhelmed to do the dishes or mop the floors (or feed the baby well-rounded meals or go to the gym more than once a month haha) But life does go on- it must. We must continue to get up and brave the snow, so to speak. We must do all we can, and wear warm clothes and pray our guts out and make the best of that alone/crawl-in-a-hole-to-deal time, keep our important relationships as in tact the best we can, and then go out and keep living. And believe it or not, there are beautiful moments in the chaos if we will recognize them. And the sun will come out eventually, even though some storms seem to last forever. And every long winter helps you to appreciate a warm spring, and every bad relationship helps you appreciate your healthy relationships, and every illness helps me feel grateful for my health, and every hard day makes me grateful for easier days. 

I've heard people say that they are grateful for their trials, and I wasn't sure that I really believed that. I mean, grateful for them?? But I'm starting to slowly understand it. When I get to the end of my life I want my life to have character and meaning. I want it to have texture and depth and understanding, and I honestly believe that the way we handle our trials is one of the things that most thoroughly has that effect on our lives. 

I'm not saying I love trials (is that even possible?). I don't ask for them in my prayers or accept them with open arms. They are hard and painful and soul-stretching, which is uncomfortable at minimum. I'm just saying that I've done a bit of aforementioned soul-stretching, and am working on becoming more through my trials. On strengthening my muscles through shoveling the snow, so to speak. 

Maya Angelou said it best, "Surviving is important, thriving is elegant"

So here's to striving for more days of elegance. 

6 weeks of Rory

Last night I looked at Rory and thought she didn't look like a newborn to me anymore. 

Of course, to you, she probably still does, but to me she has already gotten so so big. 

She's more squishy and feels more solid when you pick her up to cuddle her.... 

and today she looked at me from all the way across the room. 

Anyways, I had this little moment of panic, or nostalgia, or whatever you want to call it. 

Wait! She was only so little for half a second!

And since we were ripping out nasty urine-stained carpet when she turned a month old, 

(and also chasing the meanest goose of all time out of our house and to stop attacking boo...long story)

I made up my mind to take pictures of her today at 6 weeks. 

At 6 weeks Rory:

-is starting to like her bath! She still screams a bit when she's cold after you take her out, but the process of taking a bath she actually really likes!

-speaking of baths, her poor skin went through quite the ordeal when we moved to dry UT. Her cheeks literally were scaly poor thing! We had done some research and people raved about Tubby Todd bath products. They are a little pricey, but when she started getting red and dry I had to do something! It has totally worked for us. Both Jay and I could tell a difference in her cheeks after the first bath. And now we are on bath number two and her skin is already starting to look smooth and milky like baby skin should.

-she is starting to put on the chunk! The double chin and cheeks are really getting awesome, and the legs and arms are slowly gaining speed. I bought a scale so I could weigh her and she's over 12 pounds! Also, we ran into my friend who was due with her baby girl Emmy the same day I was due and she looked so tiny compared to Rory! 

-She is getting to be such a good eater! Nursing now only takes 20-30 minutes total including burping which is so nice. She nurses about 12-15 minutes total and has gotten pretty efficient judging by how much weight she has gained and how many diapers she goes through.

-her head is now big enough to wear all of her little headbands! Hallelujah too, because homegirl doesn't have much hair. Thus, the question, "oh so cute! Is it a girl or boy?"comes up if I don't either put a bow on her or dress her in pink. And I'm a little funny about pink, so headbands are usually my choice. 

-still doesn't have a nursery. The flooring people were supposed to come Monday when all of our supplies got in, then Tuesday, then Wednesday..... then after calling like every day when my hopes and dreams of being able to move in were crushed, somebody came Wednesday at 5pm, dropped off supplies, ripped out 1/3 of the flooring in the entryway, and left saying they would be back in the morning. They finally showed up tonight at 4:30 to drop off the grout and thinset for the tile, and I actually loved them, but the poor guys are so so overbooked. I may have mentioned that our newborn is sleeping on the kitchen table until we get flooring in, and they may have asked if they can work on weekends. (don't judge me I'm desperate) We hired them on a recommendation, and they're supposed to be really good...but I'm going to go crazy if I have to live another week on dusty cement slab with no furniture. 

-if you couldn't tell from the pictures, she's a serious drooler!

-she totally prefers sleeping on the right side of her head. I don't know if it's an issue or not yet, but we're working on putting the things she likes to look at on the other side to try and coax her to use her neck muscles on that other side.

-as far as sleep goes, she typically gives me a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep at night, which is great. For a second there I had my expectations a little out of line, which made me question everything I was doing. (Shouldn't she be sleeping a little longer by now? Am I spoiling her?! Should I be letting her cry it out? Am I doing something wrong? etc etc) This mom gig can be rough- how are you supposed to know how to do this when every baby and mom are different and you've never done it before?! Anyways, I think we've got our expectations in line a little better and maybe now we'll be more happy and in tune.

Anyways, we are doing as good as can be. Jay is loving work, and I really am loving being a mom. The sweet moments are more sweet than anything I've experienced yet and we feel really lucky to be Rory's parents. 

*Also, I have gotten so so many questions about this cotton poppy swaddle. For those of you curious, it's from Little Unicorn. Link here.

And the "love your guts" onsie is from here. 

My week with Rory

This past week I've spent several days alone with Rory. And when I say it's been the best of times and the worst of times that's really what I mean. Mostly best of times, but we will get to that. Jay had packed up the uhaul and moved our things to Utah (we bought a house! So excited!), so I went to the beach for the 4th of July with my family. Well, they all headed back for work, girls camp, etc. and my house was empty and my husband still gone... So I decided to stay at the beach until they came back for family vacation later in the week. 

Although my family was panicking a little about leaving me by myself with a newborn, I thought it would be great. I mean- the ocean, a sweet baby, and the best ice cream known to man within walking distance? What could go wrong? Though those parts were dreamy, what I didn't know was that Rory would choose part of our time together for one of her growth spurts and would be extra fussy and clingy and need to eat every hour or two.  I was so exhausted. It's amazing what lack of sleep and full responsibility for another human life can do to your nerves. Also the value of having another adult to talk to and give a hug to, or have hold the baby while you take a shower is a luxury I didn't realize I would miss. Luckily, it didn't last forever and after a tearful prayer and a phone call to Jay, she gave me two 3.5 hour stretches of sleep in a row and we woke up two new people. 

But though sometimes the really hard moments try to overshadow everything good, in this case it just can not be done. The rest of our days have been filled with dancing in the living room, swaying to the sound of the ocean on the deck, naps in the kitchen (for her) and the couch (for me) with the doors open for a breeze, taking walks to get ice cream, eating leftover pizza, and lots of cuddling while I read Little Women. Oh and nursing, lots and lots of nursing. 

I'm still figuring out how to be all the things I aspire to be and a mom at the same time. Luckily most of them coincide when I really think about it. We love our little life (and will love it even more when we have daddy in it again), and are grateful. So so grateful.

*Also, we took some self timer pictures today to record the fact that I actually am here. I think all I have from the last three weeks are pictures of this sweet muffin!

why dating is hard.

Dating was so hard.
Gosh, I was thinking about it the other day, and it was hard.
Sometimes I remember how fun dating was, and yes, that's true.
But overall, even if you're going on dates, and even if they're fun dates-
at the end of the day it's hard.

You know why?
Because you have options, and none of them are easy.
You can choose to be open and vulnerable and experience it fully.
Or you can block yourself off and put up walls and keep yourself safer from all that.
But it ends. Whatever it is for you, it ends.
The game is not meant to last.
There's going to be one that's right for you someday,
but until that one comes everyone else will be wrong.
That's the reality of it, and some days it sucks.
Sometimes it sucks because you wasted time on someone that was wrong,
and sometimes you're not even sure what was wrong at all- but it was.

But somehow when it ends, whatever it is, this little voice inside your head tells you you weren't enough. Sometimes it's glaringly obvious that they were not good enough for you, but that little voice is loud. It shouts, it's convincing. And then when they start dating someone else the little voice shouts that you weren't enough but they were. And when you're having a bad day it shouts. And when you see them online or in public it shouts.

It's terrible. And girls, it gets to us. Boys, you may not talk about it so much, but it gets to you too.

I'm here to tell you that it's a BIG FAT LIE.
You are good enough. You are more than good enough.
I bet if you compare strengths to strengths you are so far beyond whoever it was
that it seems silly you were ever there in the first place.

The fact of the matter is you were enough, you just weren't right.
And that's okay. Thank heavens they said something or you said something or whatever and however it happened it ended. Because sometimes being with the one that's right for you has bumps in the road- but can you imagine trying to do it all with someone that wasn't right? Maybe someone who didn't have the capacity to love you the way you ought to be loved? Or didn't appreciate your quirks?

I don't think it's asking for too much but I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE MY WEIRDNESS.
[thanks for being that someone, Jay Winters]
And you should too.

Stick it out.
Find someone who loves you enough.
Find someone who loves your quirks and weirdness.
Find someone who will make you laugh, if that's what it is for you.
At minimum find someone you can laugh with.
But whatever it is you're looking for, know that you're enough.
You may have not been right for anyone yet, but you were enough for all of them.
You have always been good enough. You will always be enough.
But if they couldn't see that, then they were not right for you.

And that's ok.
So dating is hard, I know.
But keep on keeping on, because someday you'll find someone that's right for you.
God has a way of working it all out the way it's meant to be.

what you actually learn in your undergrad

It's surreal to have spent my last day in a BYU classroom.
At least for now.
At least in my undergrad.
But really... probably forever.
It doesn't feel real that I will never return to this phase of my life.
The chapter that has been my last five years is over.
And what a big chapter it has been.
College changes people- or at least that's been my experience.

So maybe my title is kind of bossy. 
These are the things i learned in my undergrad, 
but feel free to let me know if your experience was similar!

Onward...
I didn't learn what I thought I'd learn in my undergrad.
I had these expectations of feeling ready for the real world,
and being completely prepared for a career with tangible skills.
I was so wrong.
I learned about those things a bit, sure.
But most of the things I learned were less tangible,
and so much better.

I learned to think for myself,
and come to my own conclusions.
I learned my family and our way of life,
is not the only kind that exists.
Not even close.
I learned to stand up for myself,
and to only listen to advice that was right for me.
Because "you need to give boys a chance",
and "don't do student leadership until you've got yourself figured out"...
were pieces of advice I'm glad I ignored.
Student leadership and service changed my life and college career,
and had I given that boy a chance when he didn't deserve it...
I would have missed Jay.

I learned the steps to follow and connections I needed to follow my dreams.
I learned that things don't work out how I want most of the time,
but typically they work out better.
I learned how it feels to fundamentally disagree,
and that not everybody cares the way you do.
I feel in love for real, and I learned that like everything else...
it wasn't what I'd expected, and that love is a process-not an event.

I learned that group projects are the worst,
but I also learned how to keep my cool and be kind in the most frustrating situations.
And to be patient, because there was a point where I was that person,
and I was grateful for teammates who were patient with me when I really needed it.

I learned to be braver and bolder,
because opportunities pass by far too quickly...
and you miss every shot you never take..
and you never want to be left to wonder.

I learned to speak my mind, but watch my tongue.
I might be wrong, but at least if I say what I feel I'll find out quicker.
And watch my tongue because words have consequences.
They leave lasting scars and imprints, and they aren't easily taken back.

I learned how to dance like you don't care,
and how to throw a mean party that never lasts long enough before the cops come running.
(if you bring oreo cupcakes, they will come every time)

I found the strength in myself to run races, do hard things,
and make the jump out of my comfort zone every once in a while.
I found the real meaning of coming home,
and needing home so badly you're willing to drive through the night to be there.
I learned that no matter how many people I met here,
my family will always be my best friends.

So college didn't teach me as much about what I thought it would teach me,
but I think it taught me how to be a better me.

"marriage is hard"

We're coming up on marriage season,
so let's talk marriage.

And let's be real about it.
I'm about to be that girl who tells you how wonderful marriage is.
But before you stop reading because I must be some naive newlywed with no problems...
Let's talk about the why and the HOW, because I think too often we aren't real about marriage.
Too many times we hear this...
"Marriage is good, marriage is great, marriage is the hardest thing you'll ever do."
What does that even mean?!
And UM, hello.... since when do hard things ever sound appealing?
And what's with the vagueness of that statement?
I don't know everything, but I know something... and I've learned quite about what they mean.
A lot that nobody ever happened to mention before I got married.

Nobody told me it was hard, until the 4th of July.
I was sitting at a bonfire thinking about how I'm a horrible wife and I'm failing at this...
And a lady I didn't know asked me how long I'd been married.
I replied "two months" she did a little dramatic gasp and exclaimed,
"Wow! Two months! You look really happy, so you are ahead of the game....
I was a wreck at two months and felt like I had no idea what I had gotten into.
It just gets better and better from there. If you look this good now, you're doing great"
I will never forget that moment.
It was the first time I realized someone else didn't have a perfect marriage right away either.
And even though it was harder than I thought, I was going to be okay.
So this is me, telling you you'll be okay.

Marriage can be hard.
Even if you're an awesome partner with tons of love and good intentions.
Even if you're with the person you believe hung the moon.
Even if all those things are true, marriage can still be hard.
But if you figure that out and learn to move past it, the hard gets easier.
Think about it logically and it makes perfect sense.
You are trying to bring into one unit two people with two different families and backgrounds,
different hobbies, different norms, different wants and likes, different senses of humor sometimes.
Oh, and different brain structure and communication styles and love languages and imperfections.
It's a miracle people are brave enough to dive in knowing even that much, isn't it?
But we do.
We fall in love and want to make each other happy and have babies and live happily ever after.
So we jump in.

But there's still that stuff. Those differences. The different brains.
And it's ok if sometimes there's disagreement, or it feels hard.
Guess what? It's ok if it IS hard. And it certainly doesn't mean it's broken.

The thing that I've found to be the key through all of my reading and interactions with people,
[and naturally, my marriage]
is you both have to be willing to try.
You have to be willing to try to understand, to feel empathy, to stand up for what you know is right.
You have to be willing to wake up every morning and make the decision to love that person.
Not just love them, but love them with all you've got.
And I can't tell you the inexplicable joy that will come when every day
your marriage gets better and stronger and happier than the day before.
Even if you didn't think that was possible.  Or maybe you just hoped it was.

Marriage wasn't some kind of walk in the park for me, at least not right away.
I am stubborn, I thought I had life figured out.
Then I had to re-adjust and be exposed to all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities..
and be willing to share mine and learn his? It was an adjustment.
But as I did my best and was open and honest with my sweet boy,
each day got easier and better and happier.
Being married to Jay has made me the happiest I have ever been.
There have certainly been happy days and weeks and moments in my past,
but being married is different.
I feel whole and truly happy knowing that I get to be with Jay forever.
And I get to wake up each day and choose him again.
And roll over into his arms and dedicate my life and love to my marriage.
Every day. For the rest of forever.
Marriage is the best thing that I've ever done.
It is worth it all and so much more.

"All good things are worth waiting for and worth fighting for"
-Susan Gale

cheers to more years

Last week marks Jay and I having been together for a year and married for 6 months,
and what an amazing, growth-filled, happy year it has been.
We went to Park City last weekend for a romantic dinner (steak, of course)
and came home promptly because that is our very favorite place to be.
Call us what you want, but we would rather be home and cuddled in a blanket than most anywhere.

Seeing that it's been a year, we reminisced on what we've learned and our favorite moments.

Hands down, our wedding day was the happiest day on record.
Of course there have been plenty of perfect, happy moments since...
but April 27th as a whole was just moment after moment of pure happiness.

I love that day, and the boy and family and friends who I got to share it with.
Looking back on the last six months, I feel like I've grown exponentially.
I've learned that communication is more powerful than I ever realized,
and that there are some things that matter less than you think.
Consequently, some things matter more than you thought.
I have learned that the Lord knows me, and knows what I need.
I know that because he sent me Jay, who is not what I had planned,
but is so much better than anything I knew was out there.
I have learned that what they say is true-marriage can be work,
maybe even hard work sometimes,
but being married to Jay has brought a whole new level of happiness I never knew existed.
I have learned that my husband is the funniest person on earth,
and is the only one who can make it all better.

That's how I knew it had to be him, at the end of the day.
If I was off, if something was wrong, if I didn't think I could do it anymore:
he was and always has been the only one who can make it better.

Happy six months, my blue-eyed boy.
It sure has been happy, hasn't it?

engagement: a small memoir.

Being in love has been a very personal, vulnerable thing for me.
Vulnerable makes it seem fragile, but that's not so.
Not this love, not the one that's forever.
It was just mine, and something that close to your heart is hard to share sometimes.
So I didn't feel like I wanted to share that part of my life on the internet.

The proposal was perfect: just the two of us, him on one knee, me taken off guard.
He told me he loved me, and wanted to spend his life with me.
I honestly don't remember everything he said...
maybe my shaking hands clasped over my mouth were impairing my hearing.
I hugged him tight, being absolutely speechless.
He suggested that he would like to hear the word yes, and I willingly said the word.

And now my fate is sealed to his, and wedding planning has begun in full force.

I found this saved as a draft in my old blog.
Why it never got posted, I'm not sure.
I thought I would post it now as an explanation,
and for some of you an apology of sorts.
Jay was my first love, and now will be my only love.
And being caught up learning how to be in love,
my feelings felt very personal and tender.

So, you didn't hear a lot from me for a while.
I suppose I just took a few of my allotted "personal days".
Thanks for sticking with me.

[ps this picture was taken just before the first time we ever looked at wedding rings! eek!]

marriage: what I think about the deal

Jay asked me the other day,
"Have I gotten more or less weird since we got married?"

I thought about it for a second.

Um. more fun?
Maybe it's more weird in someone else's opinion,
but I love it.
We sing and dance and laugh our heads off.

As fun as marriage is,
those of you who are married may know what I mean when I say it's also a learning experience.
I feel like I've learned an exponential amount since being married.

One being this:
Jay was a bit of a tough cookie to open up.
When we were dating, he would often just be quiet.
Good heavens, we all know that's not exactly my cup of tea.
If I'm quiet for a length of time I'm either ticked, or thinking, or moody and not wanting to open my mouth.

So everytime Jay was quiet I analyzed and overanalyzed what was wrong.
"Are you ok?....Are you sure?"
After quite a few months I learned that silence isn't negative-
Whaaaaat..? Well fancy that!  
He doesn't think like me.

So naturally, I moved on to asking what he was thinking about.....
Let's skip over that and assume that I learned the exact same lesson.
Shockingly boys minds aren't always going 200 mph,
and they aren't always doing 3 things at once.
[aka driving, listening to music, and thinking about life]

Oh my, there are a million other things I've learned.
Like, "oh wait, everything isn't about me?!"
That pretty much sums up all of them.

You know, I didn't think my life was all about me when I was single, but I was wrong.
Even if I was doing things for other people,
it was my choice
and my timing.
And I thought the way I thought,
and if someone thought differently it was ok.
After all, I wasn't going to be with them forever.
I've learned that it's less about having the same opinion,
and more about learning respect and real understanding for that opinion.

It's a fascinating thing, marriage.
I was told many a time to beware of marriage,
because dating is the best it's ever going to be.
I will contest that until the end of time.
For me it keeps getting better.
But that is a whole different story.

Just know that marriage is happy. 
Really, really, happy.

And I'll be happy to keep learning with this boy forever.