sweat the small stuff

We've had a million showings on our house and just generally a LOT to do after those were over the last couple months. And gosh, I'm tired.

But through all the cleaning and prepping and packing, as it does, my mind has been doing a lot of thinking and drawing parallels and coming to conclusions. Something that has come to the forefront of my mind the most is this concept of the small stuff vs. the big stuff.

We all put off the big things sometimes. I do, at minimum. The mopping floors, cleaning all the baseboards, the huge painting projects, etc. etc. But you know what I put off more often? The small stuff. The packing a couple more boxes in free moments here and there. The keeping up with the dishes before there's a whole sink full. There finishing a small project instead of starting a new one. The taking five minutes to meditate...to read...to shower.

Satan has this insane way of making us feel hopeless. The "I haven't done it in several days/months/years, so if I don't do it for one more day it will make no difference." "Or I'm so overwhelmed with everything I don't know where to start."

So instead of taking a small step and putting another couple drops in that bucket of things we have to do, we just... don't. We waste time, we lose ourselves in social media for an hour, we look through a meaningless catalogue sitting on the counter, we stare at the wall, we start another project instead of finishing one that needs attention. Even if we just do one, or two, or three small things to put a drop in our bucket of "small stuff" each day; at the end of each week we have a dozen or more extra drops and at the end of the year we have hundreds or thousands.

What I'm really saying here is that if I/you/we sweat the small stuff.. if I put one foot in front of the other... even if they are small steps, the big stuff really seems more manageable. If I read a chapter every day, the test on the concepts seems easier. If I keep the house tidy, the deep cleaning doesn't seem so mind-blowingly huge. When I check in and keep up with my friendships, it doesn't seem like such a daunting task to call or know what to do when something catastrophic happens to them (or me). When I feel a little distance or detect a small problem between Jay and I, if I have the small conversation then it keeps bigger harder conversations from being necessary. The list could go on (and leave in a comment what situation it makes you think of for you!)

I want to be the kind of person who sees what needs to be done, and does it. I feel better on days when I'm closer to being that kind of person. And can you imagine if we had a world full of people who didn't freeze when they got overwhelmed, but instead put a drop in the bucket?

And here's Rory sitting on and falling into my massive pile of laundry, that happens to be my small stuff that was ignored and turned into big stuff right now.

The hardest year of my life/how I made it

Last summer my grandpa died, and thus ushered in the hardest year of my life thus far. The 11 months after that included my parents getting separated and divorced, losing a cousin, and a painful miscarriage. It was a lot to take on in a year, and one year later I'm still standing, but in a radically different world than I did before.

I'm not saying I have come out unscathed from the hardest year of my life (thus far). But I am saying I survived- and I feel emotionally stable and healthy and in a good place almost every day now. I know it may not be the worst year of my life ever but by any standard it was a pretty life altering and terrible period of time. There are a million different ways to have a really hard period of your life, but I found that when I was doing certain things I was much more okay than when I wasn't- and the same may ring true for you.

1. Find your therapy. (Also, if you need it, get some therapy) Find something that's therapeutic for you, and make the time to do that thing. I write, and I exercise and I sat down and made goals about those things even though I've got a lot on my plate. This is related to recharging your batteries (below), but distinctly different. Therapy can recharge your batteries, but more than that therapy helps actively clear your mind and recenter your spirit.

2. Say no. There are "no" periods of our lives, and there are "yes" periods. (link here to a podcast I love that talks about this very thing) Essentially, it's ok to say no. Not to everything- but when you are overwhelmed and know what you need to do to stay afloat, say no to the things that are more than you can handle. Narrow things down, cut out the static and focus on the core things you need to focus on. (e.g. taking care of your mind, body, and your family relationships)  If you can't take on another project or responsibility it's ok to say no. I did this quite a bit on my hardest days, and I always looked back and was grateful that I allowed myself some grace. Sidetone: this is a lot easier to do and a lot less guilt inducing when you are open with friends and family. A straight "no" is a lot more harsh and a little less honest than a "you know what, I wish I could. We are going through a lot/have a lot on our plate right now and I really feel like I can't take this on right now"

3. Recharge your batteries SO. MUCH. MORE. OFTEN. For example, I like people and I like being with and talking to people....but when I need to recharge, I am a classic introvert. And so is Jay. I need to stay home and take a bath, and clean my house, and do my nails and read a book. And when you are in the middle of something really hard, you are so emotionally spent so often that you need to do more recharging than you might normally do. Maybe recharging for you looks like girl's nights or long walks or good workouts. Find out what recharges you and do more of it.

4. Sit in your feelings and feel them. Don't wallow in your feelings forever, but don't suppress them in hopes that they will disappear. (Big hint: they don't) Sit and take them as they come. Get mad, cry when you need a good cry, call a safe person and talk it out if you need to explode. If you don't know how to feel and express complicated emotions therapy is a good option to help you sort through them.

5. Hold onto your God and your spirituality with your life. If you've ever heard the term "buy low, sell high" the principle applies here so well. (can you tell I was raised by a father in the financial industry...?) The concept is that people get scared when things (stocks, etc) are low and things are hard and they bail out because it's scary and hard to stay. In reality, that is the worst possible thing you could do. You should evaluate whether to pull when things are high- the low times are when it's most important to stay and ride the curve back up.  Stay in the boat. Ride out the wave. All of these sayings are about staying on board with whatever was keeping you stable and safe even when it gets scary.

6. Keep your head up and look forward. There are so many things you can't control in the past or things that you could dwell on that could suck up your entire day, week, or year. No matter how intense or non-intense our hardships have been, this is true. But we also all have so many good things to look for in the future. We each also have new experiences and hope ahead of us. Tomorrow is always a new day and the good news is we can keep refocusing on the hope ahead rather than the tragedy and heartache in the past and sometimes the present.

Essentially, simplify your life and focus on the essentials. Really take a deep look at yourself and your situation to figure out what helps you. Be kind and forgiving to yourself, and even more than that be a little more kind and forgiving to others- because you know what it feels like to not feel your best.

Get in the game

Today, whatever news station somebody previously had on when I hopped on the stairclimber was talking about fandom and it's benefits and mostly- it's downfalls. They were talking about the phenomena that hardcore fans essentially go through the same stress and adrenaline rush as the players they love so much, except for the fact that we have absolutely no control or part in the outcome. SO that stress just sits- there's nowhere productive for it to go. Today I want to write out loud about sitting on the sidelines of our own lives, and how we can possibly get in the game and start feeling fulfilled. It's not about the fame, it's about playing a game that you want to win.

First, I hope we are all fans of our own lives. I hope we dream of "winning" of the house cup or the world championship or whatever it is for you. And mind you, I don't think that has to be anything grand. I think my "winning" or "succeeding" largely has to do with growing old with Jay, having lots of babies, being financially stable and independent, and having a massive greenhouse on a piece of land somewhere pretty. Also owning my own business. Maybe a massive garden and lots of Boo's puppies running around. Some beautiful, frame-able photography for pleasure thrown in there. And I get to be on the field working toward that goal every day.

So yeah, I hope we're at least fans. I hope we are cheering for ourselves. But what I really hope is that we are down in the dirt doing it. I hope we are playing the game, and playing with all we've got. (mind you, I believe taking time to heal from injuries/catastrophes in our lives is ok too) There are a million things we can/need to do in a day. All of us. And for me it at times can be completely overwhelming and I would rather crawl in a hole and lie in a stressful sea of nothingness than do something. But I always feel better if I just play the game (or do the darn thing, ya know?), so why don't I just do it?

Do you have the same struggle? Why do we do this to ourselves (assuming it's not just me)? When I take a step back it seems like most of the time I know the antidote to whatever I'm feeling, but just don't want to make the initial hurdle. Even if you aren't perfect at whatever it is, or it's going to take you five years to really accomplish or whatever the case may be... it is so much more satisfying to be playing the game, even if you aren't completely sure of exactly what you're doing!

My dad always said, "point, shoot, aim (repeat)" which sounds a little silly at first, but it's really the principle that you've gotta shoot to see where you're at and you can re adjust from there.

So here's to being better at sewing and photography than I was last year because I kept doing them despite my imperfections. Here's to living our lives and making the phone calls we should and getting out of bed on time and exercising and taking twenty minutes to clean the dishes that have been staring at you from the sink. Here's to making the hard phone calls and e-mails and doing all the things we know will help us get closer to that victory, even when they're hard. Especially when they're hard.

Get a planner, find a new alarm clock that works, surround yourself with inspiration (whatever that looks like-podcasts and books are a good start), make time to do the things you love. For me, I'm a "point, aim, aim, aim, aim, aim, aim, and then maybe shoot" type person more often than not. I'm a solidly functional perfectionist, who used to scrub the dirt off her old navy flip flops with a toothbrush after school every day. (that, dear friends, is the truth) And so it's hard for me to move forward knowing things aren't perfect. Knowing they aren't exactly how I wanted them to be or pictured them to be. But I'm working on it. I'm making steps forward and sewing and ripping out a lot of seams and taking more pictures in manual. And you know.... it feels good.

Basically, this quote from instagram sums it up-
"You don't have to get it perfect. You just have to get it going" @haleyacres

And for my weekly photo I've got a shot I'm really proud of recently that makes me proud of keeping in the game and practicing photography even when I have been discouraged and it's a lot easier to leave my heavy camera at home. There's motion and light and real, genuine, human beings.

My baby and my hair

There's this conversation from college that I sometimes think of and chuckle. My hair was always a little crazy and pretty much always different. I never have been a girl who wears my hair the exact same way every day. Half-up, straight, curly, messy, bun, braids, etc. I admit that I am a much more boring hair person in my new role of motherhood, but the concept still resonates.

The conversation went something like...
Roommate: "how do you do that with your hair?"
Me: "I just figure out how it wants to be... then I help it along."

My roommate then proceeded to laugh at me for a good while, which is I think why I remember it so well. I had just spoken of my hair like it was a separate living creature, so I guess I understand. And I never thought of that as an actual applicable principle then- but it applies to motherhood pretty dead on.

First, a story:
Rory was sick for a week. (she wasn't dying, just bad enough to be clingy and not sleep well enough to get better) And I'm just not very good at slowing down. You know, exercise, shower, get the baby up, make sure all the dishes are done before Rory has finished her breakfast, get her dressed, finish a project, vacuum the floors, plan dinner, make lunch, do more dishes, four loads of laundry, pick up all the toys, wipe counters, pay bills. Oh, you didn't want to hear about the endless chores in my life? Me either. But by the end of Rory's sick week I couldn't handle the rat race with a whiny toddler. So late in the afternoon when both of our nerves were about gone (insert "HOLD YOU" in the whiniest voice possible 20 times the next time you try to make dinner)  I grabbed her softest blank and we cuddled into my bed and watched a movie of her choice. And as we laid in bed and she held my hand that conversation about my hair popped into my head.

What if I were a little more like that with my kid? What if instead of trying to force her to be the exact same every day (i.e. my hair has a little curl today? Cue the straightener) I tried to first figure out what she's prone to be that day, and worked with that instead of against it? What if I slowed down and watched a movie with her when she was clingy and took her to the park when she had too much energy? What if I sat down and gave her five solid minutes of my undivided attention when she needed it instead of ignoring her and pushing forward at half-capacity because she needed me and I didn't want to slow down?

Even with one baby I have an embarrassing amount of days on record where I have tried to force everything to happen instead of listening to what she needs. And to be completely honest, most of the time what she needs ends up being what I need too. (Funny how that works) I'm not saying you should give your child everything they want right when they want it, but I'm learning there is something to giving your child what they need. So here's to publicly admitting fault and committing to be better. To do more listening, and less ignoring needs until I can't deal anymore. I think this probably means more hand holding in my near future. I've always been a believer that if you put the important things first, everything else will fit. And being a mom- like, really being a Jesus following, intentional, kind mom is just one of those really important things that needs to come first.

Why we left our baby (and why you should too)

We thought long and hard about bringing Rory on this trip.
We are fully and unabashedly obsessed with her, and honestly I was sick just thinking about leaving her for so long. Our life is better and more complete with her in it, so why didn't we take her? After all, it's trendy to vacation with your kids these days. I feel like every famous blogger is constantly taking their kids on trips around the world... am I wrong?

But here's why I think you should take a trip just the two of you. Not every trip you ever go on, but at least a good solid once every year or two.

I think life itself is a process of change and rediscovery, and so our marriages (being a union of two lives) must be thus. So, especially after you have kids and get into the throws of life, do you know who you are as a couple? Not who you were when you got married, not who you are at the end of a long day when you're exhausted and fall into routine, but who you are when you get to just be....you?

I'm glad we didn't take Rory on this trip because it was fun for me to rediscover  Jaylor.
Who have we become as a couple 4 years post-matrimony and 2 years post-kid?

We are:
Dog lovers. We are the people who oogle over every shaggy, sweet dog being taken for a walk. And guys, who knew?! There are dogs EVERYWHERE in Europe. In restaurants, on trains, walking the streets. Everywhere. I had no idea we were (I for sure didn't realize I was) those kind of people. I don't think we ever even looked twice at a dog before getting our own and accidentally becoming dog people in the process and now we are slightly ridiculous.

Foodies. Food was more of a priority than museums in most every city, and thank the high heavens because I don't do well without good, full meals. Also ice cream. Gelato was a priority for us both, and gosh if Jay asking me if I want another gelato doesn't make me swoon.

Hand holders. I remember loving when we were dating that Jay always held my hand. We haven't done a ton of that lately, because when does that happen when you're wrangling a cat... I mean two year old? Grateful that part of us hasn't changed.

Serious talkers. Jay and I aren't chit chatters, necessarily. Jay is my quiet place, and always has been. And I am a big fan of quiet places. But when it comes to talking about stuff that matters (I mean, like relationship stuff, because isn't that what matters the very most?) we don't wait, and we get to the bottom of it. I like that about us. We fix anything that needs fixing. Immediately. And we can talk about hard things, which is a big big deal for me. I don't care if we aren't professional mindless chatterers as long as we can talk when it does matter.

Small town people, through and through. My handle for most social media is smalltowntaylor, and I did it because it's kind of clever... but OH MY GOSH IT'S SO TRUE. You guys, I wanted to die being surrounded by 5000 tourists and signs telling you to watch your back for pick-pockets. It's draining and emotionally exhausting for me, and I hate it. The museums are cool and everything but more often than not I'm just as happy to sit and enjoy God's creations. Roses, beautiful hillsides, the sunset, etc. We both enjoy solitude rather than crowds. Win.

There's lots more, but these were some of my favorites. I told Jay several times on this trip "I like us", and it's true. It's so good (and necessary) to be in love, but it's so fun to be in like too and I think sometimes that's harder to hold onto. I want to always genuinely like Jay and who we are/are becoming together. And if you go on a trip together and don't like who you right now, it's good to figure that out! Use it as a reason to open a conversation, and work toward something you can build on and grow old together with. Grateful for my forever person.

I like Jaylor.

tiny teething troubles

Ok, teething has been a beast around here. Rory started getting unusually grumpy last week and wasn't sleeping well and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then one day I was holding her and she let out a "pain" cry. You know the kind? The horribly sad kind? So I gave her some medicine and she took the best nap she'd taken in a while. She was licking her bottom gums on top of all that, so we figured it was teething. Frozen fruit seemed to help and of course tylenol if it got really bad, but she still seemed pretty much her happy self. However, it has seemed to continually get worse! Runny nose, now stuffy nose, then a fever yesterday and all through the night, and crying every few hours. It's all starting to look just like her double ear infection last month around this time! 

So tomorrow we are off to the doctors. Since she turns 9 months this week, we just moved up her well check and will have the doctor take an extra look to see if I'm crazy or if this girl's little system is on the fritz again. Has anybody else had bad teething turn into something more? What are your favorite teething remedies? We've tried ice in a sock and teething tablets, but frozen fruit, ice chips, and tylenol are the only things that have seemed to be any help at all. 

From our darling, happy, tragically sad, non-napping, sporadically crying baby filled house to yours.

See you on the other side. Until then, send happy thoughts, good advice, and pizza.

*and since nobody can appreciate teething, can we all appreciate how good Boo is with Rory these days?

6 weeks of Rory

Last night I looked at Rory and thought she didn't look like a newborn to me anymore. 

Of course, to you, she probably still does, but to me she has already gotten so so big. 

She's more squishy and feels more solid when you pick her up to cuddle her.... 

and today she looked at me from all the way across the room. 

Anyways, I had this little moment of panic, or nostalgia, or whatever you want to call it. 

Wait! She was only so little for half a second!

And since we were ripping out nasty urine-stained carpet when she turned a month old, 

(and also chasing the meanest goose of all time out of our house and to stop attacking boo...long story)

I made up my mind to take pictures of her today at 6 weeks. 

At 6 weeks Rory:

-is starting to like her bath! She still screams a bit when she's cold after you take her out, but the process of taking a bath she actually really likes!

-speaking of baths, her poor skin went through quite the ordeal when we moved to dry UT. Her cheeks literally were scaly poor thing! We had done some research and people raved about Tubby Todd bath products. They are a little pricey, but when she started getting red and dry I had to do something! It has totally worked for us. Both Jay and I could tell a difference in her cheeks after the first bath. And now we are on bath number two and her skin is already starting to look smooth and milky like baby skin should.

-she is starting to put on the chunk! The double chin and cheeks are really getting awesome, and the legs and arms are slowly gaining speed. I bought a scale so I could weigh her and she's over 12 pounds! Also, we ran into my friend who was due with her baby girl Emmy the same day I was due and she looked so tiny compared to Rory! 

-She is getting to be such a good eater! Nursing now only takes 20-30 minutes total including burping which is so nice. She nurses about 12-15 minutes total and has gotten pretty efficient judging by how much weight she has gained and how many diapers she goes through.

-her head is now big enough to wear all of her little headbands! Hallelujah too, because homegirl doesn't have much hair. Thus, the question, "oh so cute! Is it a girl or boy?"comes up if I don't either put a bow on her or dress her in pink. And I'm a little funny about pink, so headbands are usually my choice. 

-still doesn't have a nursery. The flooring people were supposed to come Monday when all of our supplies got in, then Tuesday, then Wednesday..... then after calling like every day when my hopes and dreams of being able to move in were crushed, somebody came Wednesday at 5pm, dropped off supplies, ripped out 1/3 of the flooring in the entryway, and left saying they would be back in the morning. They finally showed up tonight at 4:30 to drop off the grout and thinset for the tile, and I actually loved them, but the poor guys are so so overbooked. I may have mentioned that our newborn is sleeping on the kitchen table until we get flooring in, and they may have asked if they can work on weekends. (don't judge me I'm desperate) We hired them on a recommendation, and they're supposed to be really good...but I'm going to go crazy if I have to live another week on dusty cement slab with no furniture. 

-if you couldn't tell from the pictures, she's a serious drooler!

-she totally prefers sleeping on the right side of her head. I don't know if it's an issue or not yet, but we're working on putting the things she likes to look at on the other side to try and coax her to use her neck muscles on that other side.

-as far as sleep goes, she typically gives me a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep at night, which is great. For a second there I had my expectations a little out of line, which made me question everything I was doing. (Shouldn't she be sleeping a little longer by now? Am I spoiling her?! Should I be letting her cry it out? Am I doing something wrong? etc etc) This mom gig can be rough- how are you supposed to know how to do this when every baby and mom are different and you've never done it before?! Anyways, I think we've got our expectations in line a little better and maybe now we'll be more happy and in tune.

Anyways, we are doing as good as can be. Jay is loving work, and I really am loving being a mom. The sweet moments are more sweet than anything I've experienced yet and we feel really lucky to be Rory's parents. 

*Also, I have gotten so so many questions about this cotton poppy swaddle. For those of you curious, it's from Little Unicorn. Link here.

And the "love your guts" onsie is from here. 

Life lately in iphone pictures

Here's how life lately looks: [and pictures for grandma] 

-First things first, the pictures range from family vacation at the beach until now. Rory has been so blessed to have felt so much love during this first little stretch of her life! Grandma and grandpa great visited us, and then Clara and Winnie came and I swear I've never seen a two year old as obsessed with babies as Clara is with Rory. Every morning when we would come down the stairs she would rush out to see "baby cousin" and immediately plop down on her butt where ever she was and open her arms to hold her. It melted me every single time- I miss that chunky muffin. Anyways...

-We've moved! We're in Utah! Now, people keep asking me, "are you settled?", but the answer to that question is tricky. We are moved. We are living in our house. Jay has started his new job. I have a pseudo routine set up with Rory. But the house we bought is a foreclosure that needs a little tlc, so settled is not the right word. Our first day in our new house was spent ripping out the carpet because the previous owners had un-potty trained pets living inside.... it was disgusting. And nothing was really cleaned when they moved out, so everything had to be washed before anything could be put away. And doing that with a baby in arms is not the easiest thing I've ever attempted. As a mom, you find out really quick which things can be done with one arm and which can't. Also which things can be done with baby strapped to you. [though it helps, it doesn't make everything possible] So here we are, walking around in sandals indoors because we are living on mostly dusty concrete slab until they can finally come and put in our new floors... and putting only the most necessary furniture in the house [enter mattress and rocking chair] while the rest sits in the garage.

-THUS... we have so many people we want to see and have over, but our house isn't really ready to entertain (much less functionally eat dinner in) right now, so we are having to hold off on being hosts until we at least get floors. But we love you! We are working on it!

-A huge plus about being in Utah is that it puts us close to Jay's extended family. Our first Sunday here, his grandma invited everyone over for dessert and it was so fun! Jay has a whole passel of girl cousins from ages 9-24 (ish) and I'll just say that Rory never got put down with all of them there and loved every minute of it. We love being here so close to them!

-She is the funniest sleeper. First, she's loud- it is so so funny. She grunts and makes these little throaty groans in her sleep and it's hilarious. Also, she drools hardcore and if she escapes the swaddle she twists as far as she can onto her side and puts her hands straight up in the air.

-Within the first week we were here, there were a few really tough days. The kind where she didn't sleep well at night, took no naps during the day, and refused to be out of my arms for longer than 60 seconds. Luckily [though I thought for sure it would] it didn't last forever and now we are back to a totally livable schedule of a couple solid naps per day and only 1-2 nighttime nursings. Hallelujah, because I wasn't sure I could make it. One of the last pictures shows how I ended up at the end of one of those days- still in sweats, with baby strapped to me to keep her calm while I laid in bed to rest for just a second. Also shoutout to my sister's (and my) friend Erin for bringing me dinner on one of those rough days. You are a true gem and a lifesaver.

-Baby girl LOVES music. If I need to keep her calm a little longer to brush my teeth/do the dishes I just put some music on and sit her by the window she loves to look out and we swing it pretty nicely.

-Rory has just started this weekend to try to smile, which is the most adorable thing I've ever seen. So basically I'm now addicted to trying to make her do it again and I spend most of her waking moments talking to her and giving her the cheesiest grins. Somehow though, I just can't get the same amount of smiles Jay can- go figure.

-She's still SO TALL! I put her in some 3 month footie pajamas I had packed for the move thinking they wouldn't fit, and they are too short! Her leg can't quite straighten all the way in them! Really. It's wild- I measured her and looked up the growth charts and she's still somewhere above 90th percentile.

-Her baby acne has cleared up, but her skin has gotten so so dry since we moved! Her poor little cheeks look almost like they've got a mild case of eczema, and are so rough and scaly even though I use lotion every day. I've ordered Tubby Todd's lotion and baby wash to see if it will clear it up- I'll keep you updated on how that goes.

-Mostly, we are loving being here. Jay is loving his new job, and for now all my spare time is spent trying to furnish the house, clean, and get ready for all the company we have coming into town these next few weeks. We are a very happy little family of three.

(*oh, and we maybe snuck in to visit Aunt Karlee at the Oakland visitor's center and I made her kiss Rory's cheeks!)