How to end the madness

I think I have a unique circumstance in some ways: I grew up in small town USA, where most people were white, but it wasn't suburbia where everyone was the same economic class. In fact, the people I knew with very little money were mostly white people. The people I knew that used drugs and did stupid stuff and had kids out right out of high school and had dysfunctional homes? The kids I knew in the foster care system? Mostly white. I'm not here to make a point of any of this. I'm here to share experience from a different perspective, which I think is important. It's a perspective that often feels apathetic and helpless.

I don't know how to do this delicately, and I'm not saying by any means that my experience is representative of the whole country, or my goodness- the whole state or county. But that does not make my experience any less real. And I think that's the problem. If someone has a different experience than what the loudest news station or protestor or blogger is saying, it's jumped on and discounted and we all end up with these extreme views because they're the only ones that are acceptable. BUT WHAT IF WE DIDN'T. What if we prioritized kindness over politics and did things that made a difference? Here! Now! And were bipartisan! I just think if we focused on people over politics life would be such a better place.  I'm suggesting... what if these issues with riots and bigotry and hatred were bipartisan, and what if there was a simple solution to begin fighting them? End rant momentarily.

I'm not saying kids who were different in my town weren't ever picked on. I think it happens everywhere in every high school in America, because.... high school. Different clothes, different likes, different levels of nerdiness, and sometimes different skin color.  When it happened it made me uncomfortable, and I knew it was wrong, and I didn't always speak up because I didn't know what to say and I wasn't confident enough in myself to put myself in a situation where that could possibly bring attention (probably negative attention) to myself. But I should have. It wasn't always someone with different skin color, in fact I think more often it was just kids who were different. Different in any way.

I want to offer a way that we can work to dispel hatred and bigotry, and I don't believe riots and verbal confrontation are the answers. And though peaceful protest has a place and purpose, I don't think they are the end-all answer either. I think to get started we have to do one thing; a simple thing that only requires a decided mind and brave heart. Decide today to teach our children to speak up when somebody is picked on, or when somebody says something mean. They don't have to end friendships over these sorts of comments, in fact, I think friends who consistently and kindly encourage us to be better and think differently are a good thing. Practice kindness and boldness and bravery. If something makes you feel funny in your gut, say calmly, "I don't think that's true" or "that hasn't been my experience". Do it yourself, and teach your children to do it. Nobody needs be embarrassed or called out or shamed. We don't have to have heated arguments over everything, because nobody is converted to kindness through shouting and argument. Those create immediate defensiveness and form a wall, which is exactly what we don't want. Be calm, but firm. Be kind.

I've always had this gut feeling that if we focus on our families and our communities and the things we can change, instead of obsessing over the people and the politics that we cannot (or at least maybe not right this second) the world would inherently be better. If people with mental illness had a supportive family or community to go to for help, if when hate was expressed it was overwhelmed by love, if our children felt safe and confident enough to stand up for right because we had set that example for them, if every person had a friend, family member, or neighbor to go to when times were tough wouldn't our world be different?

If we teach our children these things, and be them ourselves, we can change our circle. And if we each change our respective circles, we can change the world. We may not live in a community where racial tensions are prevalent, or where the hatred rampant in our country seem extremely present. In those situations it's easy to feel the hopelessness rise and ask yourself, "what on earth can I do from here?" I'm suggesting that if we do these things and practice, we will have the strength to say something if someone is treated unfairly at work, and our children will know how to respond to ignorant and hateful remarks whether in their circle now, or in their jobs twenty years from now.

Has a politician ever changed your mind more than your mother or your father, or your most influential professor or teacher? The influence we have in our homes and communities is/can be so deep and far-reaching, that if we discount it and it's effects we are leaving more on the table than we know.

We can vote. We can voice our concerns, we can be involved in politics however we can. But we also can work within the walls of our own homes and the boundaries of our own communities to make sure our children are brave enough and strong enough to help where ever they are and where ever they end up. Kindness spreads and changes people. And it is the antidote to hatred. Don't discount your instinct to go home and hug your babies after something horrific like Las Vegas happens. I think our gut is right on about these sort of things.

“If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family.” -Mother Teresa

How to help happy, a birthday list.

I had a birthday last month, and I made a list last year on my birthday that I never published. 

It still rings true so I thought I'd use it and add one more for this past year. 

I remember in high school a girl threw gum at my car...while I was in it. 

A drive by "I hate you" message, if you will. 

That experience really bothered me. It was such a blatant expression of hate, and I hardly knew her. 

After some sleuthing (it was high school. stuff gets around) I found out that the girl hated me because she thought I was fake. She didn't think anybody was actually that happy all the time. 

I couldn't decide whether that made me feel better or worse, because I wasn't faking it. I really was generally happy and tried to be nice. But I also wanted to be genuine, and I wanted people to be able to tell that I was real. Nobody likes being fake, and nobody likes someone who is fake. 

Mind you, my life wasn't perfect in high school. I had friends, but no close friends in my class at school, by my senior year most often ate lunch with the school counselor, and had blaring body image issues at play that eventually turned into an eating disorder. But though that was all very real and I had hard days, I wanted to be happy. So I did all I knew how at that point. 

I've gone through phases where I've been down and depressed, I think everyone does. 

But my life is easier and so much better if I choose to be happy, and I honestly believe it's a choice. 

And not that I'm any sage, but here are 26 things I've learned through trying (and sometimes failing miserably) that work for me:

1. Be nice and you'll never regret it (whether they deserve it or not). 

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt. 

3. Love your family above everything. 

4. Eat together. 

5. When you know you should, but don't want to... do it anyways. 

6. When you follow that advice ^ don't pout, it takes all the good out of it. 

7. Talk to your neighbors. 

8. If you think of something nice to do, do it. 

9. If you dream of something you want to do, do it. 

10. Don't let fear take your joy. Fight back (and if that fear comes from anxiety/depression:get help)

11. Love your body- it is amazing. And if it's healthy, you are more blessed than you know. 

12. Find your escape, and make time for it  (e.g.: reading, running, magazine browsing, painting, etc.)

13. Be confident in who you are. God made you who you are, and there's a reason for that. 

14. Eat what makes you feel good. Sometimes that's a cupcake, and sometimes it's salad. 

15. Figure out how to love your spouse even when you don't feel love toward your spouse. (*or friend, sibling, parent!)

16. We are all trying, and that looks different on everybody.

17. Practice self care. When you feel better, you do better. 

18. Pray. 

19. Practice patience, and if you aren't good you can learn how. 

20. Most things that you think you don't have, you can learn. (insert patience, talents, etc)

21. Learn your spouses (roommate/sibling/boyfriend) love language and speak it. Even if it's unnatural for you.

22. Figure out how to be happy where you are. 

23. Say hi to people, even if you are afraid. 

24. Say I love you. A lot. 

25. Make life meaningful- whatever that looks like for you.

26. Even if you fail, and fail, and fail- keep trying. 

So yeah, some days I feel mopey and tired and grumpy and fail miserably. But I keep trying and that makes a huge difference. When I look back, most days are happy days, not because every moment was happy but because I want to be happy and I make an effort to be.

So cheers to 26, and here's to hoping it's the most genuine, happiest one yet. 

Summer magic & one year plus some

The months are flying! I've been reminiscing a lot on how far we've come this past year. From the work we've put into our fixer-upper home (which is an entirely different set of posts in itself) and watching our baby grow it has really been something.

Rory is so fun right now. She's got the best sense of humor and loves making people laugh. And she laughs easily, which she comes by naturally.

She crawls EVERYwhere, sometimes in the downward dog position because she still prefers using her feet over using her knees. She can stand for long periods of time and took her first step on the 4th of July, but doesn't regularly walk without a finger or couch to hold on to. She does crawl up the stairs like a champ, and is getting pretty good at going down as well. Her favorite thing to do is crawl over to the bottom of the stairs and laugh and squeal preemptively because she knows I'll come get her any second.

She finally decided that she likes the water! So our favorite thing to do right now is go to the gym the moment she wakes up from her morning nap, then spend an hour or so at the rec center pool after I'm done. She stands waist high in the kiddie pool water and happily splashes and watches the other kids. It's so so magical.

She eats more than I do, and that's not a joke. Some days I run out of ideas of things to feed her. Anybody else have this issue? We've mostly weaned. I still nurse her once every couple of days if she will nurse, though I know that can't go on forever as I'm sure I eventually won't have anything left to give. Thank heavens for Boo the vacuum cleaner who eats all her crumbs off the floor as self-feeding is a beautiful, messy thing. Rory has also been known to feed Boo on purpose from her chair the little rascal.

Puppy and baby become more and more mutually obsessed as the days go by. Rory easily gives Boo ten kisses in the space of 5 minutes and giggles at her so hard that she gives herself hiccups at least once a day. Boo is done with the bulk of her shedding for summer, but even still the constant vacuuming is worth it for how much these two love each other.

Our neighbor has the most magical apricot tree in her backyard. It's so full of apricots that she and I had to go out and brace the limbs to keep them from breaking, as several of the others already had. She has no family here and is so sweet to let us play on the lawn and steal an apricot here and there. (she sent me home with 3 full bags last week) Speaking of lawns, we are finally going to have a yard! We've been doing everything ourselves, so it's been quite the process. But we are almost there! My friend said I will just roll around in it I'll be so happy, and I quite agree. Anyways, I knew the moment I saw those limbs full of apricots that I needed to get a picture or two of Rory there. So I did, and Rory picked an apricot right off the tree and ate it mid-photo. Sometimes there's magic in our backyards. Really.

I did include a crying picture to bring us all back to reality. Homegirl is breaking 4 of her top teeth at the same time right now. So much drool, so many chewed fingers, and a good bit of fussing depending on the day.

11 months: our little/big chunk

I had a friend say yesterday that she seems even bigger than she was two weeks ago. And it's true! I'm getting all nostalgic just thinking about it. Don't even talk to me about her being a year old next month. My baby!

Rory at 11 months:

-Gets asked all the time if she's "...6, 7? Maybe 8? months old" I blame it on the chub, bald head, and lack of teeth. But heck I don't care, stay my baby!

-Is all about her daddy. Unless she's upset about something (in which case, as Jay says, I'm the epitome of comfort) she lights up every time he walks into a room and lunges out of my arms to get to him.

-Loves to dance. The moment the new JT song come on or her dad whistles "Once upon a dream" she begins to rock back and forth, swing her arms and shake her head. She was the star of the dance floor at the wedding we attended last weekend where she danced like crazy up on top of her dad's shoulders or in my arms. The photographer said to me more than once, "I can't stop taking pictures of her!" And I didn't blame her one bit.

-Caught the movement bug a week or so ago and is now trying to walk and crawl all at once. We even found her sitting up in the corner of her crib yesterday. This all makes for an exhausted mama, because she wants to move but needs my help all the time. Luckily, standing against the couch or a chair on her own keeps her happy for 10 minute intervals and I can get things done.

-LOVES FOOD. Jay is constantly impressed by how much food she can put down, especially for breakfast. Most days she eats a whole piece of fruit (or massive handful of frozen blueberries), a pancake or muffin and sometimes a scrambled egg to top it off. These last two weeks especially I've had to strain my creative juices to come up with new things for her to eat a million times per day.

-Sleeps pretty well, but not currently. Whenever she's teething or about to pass a developmental milestone, Rory's sleep schedule gets thrown way off. And right now she's doing both, so it's killing me! She wakes up bright and early at 6:30 to nurse (even though she had previously pushed that back until 8 a month ago) then gets up around 7:30 wide awake. I typically like to get up early, but I've been fighting a cold for almost three weeks so this whole sleep-protest thing has got me beat.

-Has the cheesiest, full face grin that we can't get enough of, and has the cutest sense of humor! When she's by herself in the living room or in her carseat she will randomly start giggling at whatever stuffed animal she's playing with. Sometimes she's just cracking herself up. It's the best. We can't get enough.

Mostly, we still go to bed at night talking about how cute our little chunk is and spend a minute watching her sleep on the baby monitor. We're clearly obsessed.