The hardest year of my life/how I made it

Last summer my grandpa died, and thus ushered in the hardest year of my life thus far. The 11 months after that included my parents getting separated and divorced, losing a cousin, and a painful miscarriage. It was a lot to take on in a year, and one year later I'm still standing, but in a radically different world than I did before.

I'm not saying I have come out unscathed from the hardest year of my life (thus far). But I am saying I survived- and I feel emotionally stable and healthy and in a good place almost every day now. I know it may not be the worst year of my life ever but by any standard it was a pretty life altering and terrible period of time. There are a million different ways to have a really hard period of your life, but I found that when I was doing certain things I was much more okay than when I wasn't- and the same may ring true for you.

1. Find your therapy. (Also, if you need it, get some therapy) Find something that's therapeutic for you, and make the time to do that thing. I write, and I exercise and I sat down and made goals about those things even though I've got a lot on my plate. This is related to recharging your batteries (below), but distinctly different. Therapy can recharge your batteries, but more than that therapy helps actively clear your mind and recenter your spirit.

2. Say no. There are "no" periods of our lives, and there are "yes" periods. (link here to a podcast I love that talks about this very thing) Essentially, it's ok to say no. Not to everything- but when you are overwhelmed and know what you need to do to stay afloat, say no to the things that are more than you can handle. Narrow things down, cut out the static and focus on the core things you need to focus on. (e.g. taking care of your mind, body, and your family relationships)  If you can't take on another project or responsibility it's ok to say no. I did this quite a bit on my hardest days, and I always looked back and was grateful that I allowed myself some grace. Sidetone: this is a lot easier to do and a lot less guilt inducing when you are open with friends and family. A straight "no" is a lot more harsh and a little less honest than a "you know what, I wish I could. We are going through a lot/have a lot on our plate right now and I really feel like I can't take this on right now"

3. Recharge your batteries SO. MUCH. MORE. OFTEN. For example, I like people and I like being with and talking to people....but when I need to recharge, I am a classic introvert. And so is Jay. I need to stay home and take a bath, and clean my house, and do my nails and read a book. And when you are in the middle of something really hard, you are so emotionally spent so often that you need to do more recharging than you might normally do. Maybe recharging for you looks like girl's nights or long walks or good workouts. Find out what recharges you and do more of it.

4. Sit in your feelings and feel them. Don't wallow in your feelings forever, but don't suppress them in hopes that they will disappear. (Big hint: they don't) Sit and take them as they come. Get mad, cry when you need a good cry, call a safe person and talk it out if you need to explode. If you don't know how to feel and express complicated emotions therapy is a good option to help you sort through them.

5. Hold onto your God and your spirituality with your life. If you've ever heard the term "buy low, sell high" the principle applies here so well. (can you tell I was raised by a father in the financial industry...?) The concept is that people get scared when things (stocks, etc) are low and things are hard and they bail out because it's scary and hard to stay. In reality, that is the worst possible thing you could do. You should evaluate whether to pull when things are high- the low times are when it's most important to stay and ride the curve back up.  Stay in the boat. Ride out the wave. All of these sayings are about staying on board with whatever was keeping you stable and safe even when it gets scary.

6. Keep your head up and look forward. There are so many things you can't control in the past or things that you could dwell on that could suck up your entire day, week, or year. No matter how intense or non-intense our hardships have been, this is true. But we also all have so many good things to look for in the future. We each also have new experiences and hope ahead of us. Tomorrow is always a new day and the good news is we can keep refocusing on the hope ahead rather than the tragedy and heartache in the past and sometimes the present.

Essentially, simplify your life and focus on the essentials. Really take a deep look at yourself and your situation to figure out what helps you. Be kind and forgiving to yourself, and even more than that be a little more kind and forgiving to others- because you know what it feels like to not feel your best.

Trials, survival, and thriving

The snow is not over. 

It will never be all the way over. 

(unless you live in certain parts of the world, in which 'snow' can be replaced with either heat or bugs) 

It comes back, whether it's in 8 months or 2 weeks. And some people hate it and some people love it. And some of us love it one day and hate it the next. 

I've thought a lot about it lately. And the snow draws this strong parallel to opposition/trial/heartache for me. Maybe because in a lot of ways snow can pose literal opposition. Whether it's opposition getting out of your driveway, or having to shovel or just the feeling of being freezing cold. None of those feel quite like the warm sun on your skin, am I right?

Anyways, I feel like it's ok to stay in for a day when it's just too much. And it's ok to not drive to the gym at 5am when the roads haven't been plowed. But life does have to go on, and we have a choice what we do with that bit of truth. We can go out and shovel before first light and enjoy the quiet peace and exercise that comes with that, or we can do the same and be miserable and cold. We can prepare to go out in that snow by wearing the right clothing, and driving the correct way for the weather, or act in protest of reality and be miserable.  

And everything applies the same way to opposition. Some days we're going to need to stay in and take cover, whatever that looks like. Some days we're going to need to show ourselves  grace and be okay if we were too overwhelmed to do the dishes or mop the floors (or feed the baby well-rounded meals or go to the gym more than once a month haha) But life does go on- it must. We must continue to get up and brave the snow, so to speak. We must do all we can, and wear warm clothes and pray our guts out and make the best of that alone/crawl-in-a-hole-to-deal time, keep our important relationships as in tact the best we can, and then go out and keep living. And believe it or not, there are beautiful moments in the chaos if we will recognize them. And the sun will come out eventually, even though some storms seem to last forever. And every long winter helps you to appreciate a warm spring, and every bad relationship helps you appreciate your healthy relationships, and every illness helps me feel grateful for my health, and every hard day makes me grateful for easier days. 

I've heard people say that they are grateful for their trials, and I wasn't sure that I really believed that. I mean, grateful for them?? But I'm starting to slowly understand it. When I get to the end of my life I want my life to have character and meaning. I want it to have texture and depth and understanding, and I honestly believe that the way we handle our trials is one of the things that most thoroughly has that effect on our lives. 

I'm not saying I love trials (is that even possible?). I don't ask for them in my prayers or accept them with open arms. They are hard and painful and soul-stretching, which is uncomfortable at minimum. I'm just saying that I've done a bit of aforementioned soul-stretching, and am working on becoming more through my trials. On strengthening my muscles through shoveling the snow, so to speak. 

Maya Angelou said it best, "Surviving is important, thriving is elegant"

So here's to striving for more days of elegance. 

What teenagers need to know: from the mouth of babes.

Since I've been home, I've been thinking a lot about high school.
I've seen people from high school, and listened as my high school sister tells me about her life...
I guess being back in your home town can do that to you.

Anyways, high school is hard.
Heck, I had relatively small problems and was active in leadership and usually had friends
And even then, none of that seemed to make it any easier. It was hard.
There were things I should have done that I didn't have the confidence to do.
I look back and remember most days being so worried sitting in my desk
about whether or not anybody was looking at my thighs squishing over the sides.
So worried that I couldn't focus.
And flirt with boys? Dance by myself? Make new friends? Take risks?
My narrow focus on my insecurities and whether or not I had friends, or if people liked me...
well, took me so far away from myself that I couldn't even think of those things most times.

High school can tell you that you have to be skinny or have a car or a place on a team
or a great group of friends and a perfect home life and everything else to be happy.
That is a lie.
It's a bold lie that our adversary loves to use over and over and over,
and it's been working for years.

I taught high school seminary last year, and I learned a lot.
I thought a lot about what I wish I had known.
But I was surprised to find that they already know what they need!
Of course, it's easier to say than it is to do, but that's where our job comes in.
If our focus is in the right place, we can help them learn how to do this.
So let me share with you what they know they need to be happy.
I asked them myself, and these were their responses.

D&C 121:7-8 Trials don't last! Even when it seems like the world is ending or like nothing will ever be okay again- through Christ and the Gospel it WILL BE OKAY! God is with us! We can endure to the end.

Temptations can come when you are not ready for them so prepare early and never think "that will not happen to me"

What you do now will make your future. So be your best self.

Go and do what the Lord commands-Rapidly! (1 Nephi 3:7)

Without faith you can do nothing... (D&C 8:10)

Don't take off your spiritual armor

Be nice to one another. Love one another.

Keep the commandments (1 Nephi 3:7)

(We are free to choose) This is our life and we were sent here to be tested. We choose our own happiness. We choose to choose the gospel. [choose the right path]. (2 Nephi 2:27)

There are so many ways to mess up, and it takes great diligence in order to police yourself all the time (Mosiah 4:30). However, you will mess up, and when you do, you need to have the courage and humility to accept the Savior's atonement.

Repent, and come unto Christ.

I believe to be the most important thing I have learned for myself is to have faith. I think that having faith, you also need hope, as well as charity. I also believe that coming unto Christ is very important. It gives you power. You will be able to conquer any trial that you have. You will also be an example to others of how to do it and it will give them confidence and hope. You will bring happiness into other's lives. You will endure to the end! Satan will have no power over you. You will gain greater knowledge constantly. You will have a sense of clarity. In the bible it talks about Jesus healing a blind man. The blind man was looking for Jesus because he knew Jesus could heal him. People told him he wasn't worthy to see him, but he sought him out anyway. Jesus has him come unto Him and helped him see again. He was able to see everything clearly. As we come unto Jesus, He will help us to see.

Learn in thy youth to keep the commandments (Alma 37:35)

Remember all you need is to know & share the pure love of Christ in all you do and say. In all your thoughts and at all times.

Remember the choices you make today will affect your eternity (2 Nephi 2:28-29)

Pray always and not faint. Always have a prayer in your heart.

Just be happy. This is temporary. Make the best of life. (Rom 8:28)

3 Nephi 18:1-14 Ye must watch and pray always, lest ye be tempted by the devil and ye be led away captive by him.

Learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God (Alma 37:35)

Jesus loves you. And he wants to bless you and have you live with him again. All you have to do is live a life worthy enough to receive and recognize All that he blesses you with.

Build your life on Christ's foundation (Helaman 5:12)

Pray to God always (3 Nephi 18:15, 20-21)

Your kids are smarter than you give them credit for. They may have young minds and bodies,
but their souls I've found to always be wise beyond their years.
And they are right, you know.
If they have eternal perspective and a relationship with their Heavenly Father they will have all of those things they know they need.
The closer I felt to my Heavenly Father, the better I felt then (and feel now) about myself.
What it comes down to is that the youth of our nation need the gospel of Christ.
They need to know their Savior, because if they have that knowledge they never have to feel alone.
And what if no high schooler felt alone?

Just a thought.

[Also, here's a link to an article I read the other day that I thought was both relevant and true.]

And for your viewing pleasure- high school taylor & friends.

feminism.

When I was little, I was on a soccer team with all boys. 

I was never told I couldn't, and I was not afraid of them. 

So I just played believing I could.
I got the wind knocked out of me more than a couple times.
I played the "who could swing the highest and jump" game,
and scraped all the skin off my nose.
I wasn't afraid to compete with them- they were just boys. 

I grew up in a home where I could be anything I wanted to be.

If I could dream it, I could do it. 

And it made no difference that I was a girl.
In fact, I'm pretty sure my dad was my biggest advocate.
He never stopped believing that I could rule the world.
He was a head-of-household, providing priesthood holder.
Yeah, he believed his daughter could rule the world.

Feminism has turned into this emotionally charged word,
and I feel like I have a unique perspective that falls somewhere along it's lines.
Often, I'm not vocal about it.
But I learned somewhere that we allow evil to win when we do nothing.

I attend a University and am part of a major that is LARGELY male.
In most of my project groups, I'm the only female.
But if I pull my weight, woman or not, I've found that I'm respected for my work.
Yeah, sure, there have been times where I've been looked at differently for being a girl.
But mostly, it's been a good thing.
My group of all girls was where I felt the least tolerance and kindness.

I have run hard races with all boys.
I didn't want them to wait for me, and they didn't.
I kept up because I worked by butt off for it.
I knew if I trained hard enough I could keep up with the boys.

However, I'm "team mom" in most of facets of my life.
I give hugs, I write thank yous, I bake treats, I give rides home from school.
That used to kind of bother me. I wanted to be "hottest" or "smartest" or "funniest".
Team mom didn't seem like the most flattering, or awesome title to be given.
As I have gotten older, and maybe a little wiser, I have grown to love that title.
I am team mom.
Guess what. My body was MADE to be a mom, and I love that about myself.
I love the qualities that make me a woman.

I am married, to a boy who loves me and supports me in whatever it is I want to do.
I've never been made to feel less than him.
You know where the most discrimination has come from?
Other women.
Mostly from my choice to put my husband's career before my own.
As if that was a bad thing. 
As if, as a woman who has gone through the business program,
and done a lot of hard work for an education who chooses to get married
and chooses to put her husbands career in from of her own is a bad thing.

GUESS WHAT.
I could've chosen not to get married, and I could have had a rocking career,
because I can do whatever I want and I have feminine charm and I work hard.
But I made a choice. Yeah, that choice was kind of hard for me.
But it was my choice, and it was what I wanted.
Because I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I wanted in my marriage.
I knew that my career path was about to be rocked because it wasn't about just me anymore.
Because this feminist thing looks down on women for taking a "back seat".
Guess what? I'm not in the back seat.
I would like to submit that I'm actually just in the passenger seat.
Taking turns driving on this adventure. Helping be the navigator.
Helping make decisions
I believe that it's not all about me.
Novel, right?

So what gives? What do I think about the feminist movement?
I don't believe in fighting for people to respect me because I'm a woman.
I don't like labels.
I want respect because of who I am and what I do.
I want equality in whatever form that is for me because I'm Taylor.
I believe change starts not when we shove change at people,
but when we act accordingly to what we believe.
Show it.
Show the little girls of the rising generation
what they can do and who they can be through your example.
BE who you believe you can be. Be who you tell them they can be.
History is hardly ever written by those who argued.
By those who complained.
History is written by people that stood up and did.
They took action and did what they believed.
So girls, don't be scared. Don't sell yourself short.
Apply for the job. Be the astronaut. Be the entrepreneur. Be the mother to your babies.
Live your dreams, and give women hope of living theirs.

So yeah, maybe I'm a little feminist if that's what you want to call it.
I believe in the power of women.
I believe in their power to make a difference, do great things, and change the world.
But I don't want to be treated differently (good or bad) because I'm a woman.
I want to fight for respect, and earn it.
I want to show people who I am by the content of my character and the quality of my work.
I want to make a difference as a mother someday, and as a contributing member of society.
Yeah, and I want to do that while supporting my husband in his career.
That's a choice I've made.
I respect women who work, I respect women who stay home,
I respect women who are single or married.
I love women and I believe in their power.
I believe we are given gifts and talents that often men don't have.
We are different and that's beautiful.
We can do anything we want, I just hope your choices are yours.
I hope it isn't influenced by the world one way, or the other.

I am capable.
I am team mom.
I am a woman.
I am good enough.
I am grateful.

how to be healthy and eat heavy whipping cream

No, you're not about to be introduced to some weird health fad.
I'm not going to tell you to eat only vegetables, or liquids, or anything of the sort.
I just want to talk about being healthy.
I want to talk about how to be healthy.

I'm not claiming to be the epitome of perfect health,
but I've figured out a few things through my rocky relationship with my body over the years.
I'm a happier, better person for it and I think it's time I share what I do know.
And I really started learning the things I know now when I met Jay.

Let's rewind for a second.
I hated my body for a lot of years.
Hate is a strong word, but in some ways it's accurate.
So anytime something went wrong in my life,
anytime a boy didn't like me,
anytime I didn't have the confidence to go after something,
I blamed my body.
Maybe not always intentionally, but still pretty much always.

"If I was skinny, it would be different... it would be easier... I would be happier"
And that continued to magnify the problem. 
And somewhere in between there I tried crazy diets,
and ate too much, [because who cared anyways]
and I exercised to punish myself for eating,
and I never could reach that skinny point that I wanted so badly.
Then I fell in love with a boy,
and he loved me for exactly how I was,
and I still weighed the same I always had.

And very slowly, I began to love my body.

Now, I'm not saying all it takes is a boy to love your body.
Apparently I was just so blinded by hate that God had to send Jay to intervene.
I think the word I'm looking for is..... stubborn.

But I think more than love my body,
I began to care about my body.
And I cared for a variety of reasons.
I wanted to be healthy and feel good and be happier and better and have healthy babies someday.
And I wanted to stop abusing my body.
And consequently I began to treat my body better.

I didn't do any crazy diets,
I didn't starve myself,
I just listened.
And when I was hungry, I ate.
And I ate what I felt like eating. 
Sometimes I craved a little sugar,
sometimes not.
And I followed my body's orders.

I wasn't trying to lose weight anymore,
I was simply focusing on treating my body well.  
And it came off slowly, imperceptibly, but hasn't come back.
And now I'm married to that boy,
and on occasion I cook with heavy whipping cream.
And I don't even punish myself.
And sometimes I eat fries for lunch,
and I don't even feel guilty.
And sometimes I feel like I've eaten too much heavy food,
and I eat an apple because that's what sounds good.

And that sweet husband of mine liked me how I was twenty five pounds ago,
and likes me how I am now.
Because he loved me.
He didn't care about that number on the scale I'd been obsessing over.

Being healthy is an adventure, not a destination.
And shockingly, healthy looks different on each of us.
We just have to figure out what makes us feel good,
and what our individual healthy looks like.

Now I'm re-figuring out my relationship with exercise.
Because it was my punishment for eating for so long,
I've got to reach a healthy medium there too.
But that's a story for another time. 

I searched up some pictures that are painful to post,
but I think they help tell the story a little.
Maybe you don't really see the difference, and maybe that's the point!
I see it, but mostly I see the way I felt then, and the way I feel now.
Not all of you will understand, and you may have never been at war with your body before.
But some of you have, and maybe some of you will have daughters that will.
Some of you have best friends who battle themselves, and some of you have wives.
And I hope somewhere in there this gives you understanding, or hope,
or just a quick read about what it felt like to be me for a long time.
And where I'm at now.

I hope you're happy today,
I sure am.