how I do it

I do a lot of things.
I say that, but there's days (not infrequently) that I feel like I've accomplished nothing at the end of the day.
But every time I talk on social media about the things I'm working on, I inevitably get some version of this question.....

"BUT WHERE ARE THE KIDS?!"
Basically, you folks want to know how I do it and have two wild, needy, hungry, perfect, sweet, loud minions running around. And it's a good question that I would probably ask if I was outside my life looking in, too. So this is my attempt to answer it, because a simple phrase won't do the question justice. (Don't we all wish it was as simple as that.  Can I be Molly Weasley and have brooms picking up after my children all day.... ?? #simplefix but I digress)

First, I'm going to tell you a story about the moment my pain to stay still became bigger than my pain to start.

When Rory was three weeks old we moved into a foreclosure. I mean, it didn't have to be gutted.... but it was definitely a foreclosure. The yard was made of weeds our dog could get lost in, the walls had all been painted a hideous brown by the foreclosure company, the carpets reeked of urine, and there were egg stains on the front from some teenage kids. Cute. But Overwhelming. The only thing we hired out was the floor installation (after a huge debacle ripping the nasty carpet out which included baby Rory strapped to my chest and a very mean trespassing goose.... a story for another time). 

We were over the moon, regardless of the flaws. And Rory was colicky, and Jay was working long hours and exhausted every night, and I was totally overwhelmed with both my new situation and the enormity of the projects ahead. (As a side note, I was raised in a house with a dad who preferred to hire out all maintenance, so although I had the heart for it, whether I had the skill was tbd)

Rory didn't nap at all at first, so I spent a lot of time holding her through naptime and staring at the ugly brown walls (as I watched countless hours of Gilmore Girls) but then we got over that hurdle and I thought maybe I could do some things. But I didn't. EVERY, SINGLE wall and ceiling in this house needed to be painted... at a minimum. Not to mention the 137 nail holes in what must have been a poster-clad teenager's room upstairs. So I waited for Jay and I to find some magical hour where we weren't exhausted and didn't have more pressing projects that required a team. Months passed, and it just didn't happen. And I looked at those walls every day. And they were not quite sparking joy if you catch my drift.

But one day I had the realization that if I was intentional with the hour and a half that Rory napped each day, in one week I could have a room painted. And in 52 maybe I could actually do this myself. And I was tired of waiting. So I would prep before she fell asleep. Get my paint clothes on, get all the tools prepped and ready, and the moment she went down I would paint. I felt so empowered. Because I've been where you are, sitting and waiting for a time when I can do all these things I want to do. And I've been on the other side hustling with whatever time I have. Not scrolling, not waiting, not tidying, not delaying, just hustling. (There are still days... lots of them... when I don't hustle like I should. But I've worked on it and I have more days than not when I chase dreams in my downtime)

So if you aren't here for stories here's the four things that I think are the most crucial to understanding how I do the things I do.

1- Just use what you have.
I don't use fancy tools, and we've honestly never had much of a budget for these sort of things. I pay for the stuff I want to do with birthday giftcards and side hustle money selling used clothes. For painting the exterior of our house I literally started by using a roller because I just really wanted to start and if it took all summer I was going to do it (Luckily, a neighbor saw me and took pity on me and my gumption... and we learned how to use his sprayer as we went!) So learn on youtube, borrow tools when necessary, but mostly start where you are using what you have and go from there. In the words of Alison Robertson- DONE IS FUN!

2- Be ok with incremental progress
This is huge- because it's not going to feel like an HGTV makeover show. Immediate gratification is nice, but working your tail off doing things yourself is so much less glamorous. There is sawdust and unfinished projects taking up space, etc. etc. etc. Sometimes for months. depending on the project. (It's easy to think "oh my gosh! 8 posts ago she was starting and now she's done! But I started my closet in October so let that serve as a little reality check for us all) We have never had a nanny (although I just recently struck a trade deal for a couple hours a week with the girl down the street and I. AM. STOKED) or a housecleaner, and for the first four years of the process I didn't even have a car so just do what you can. I've learned to leverage mornings, naptimes, clothing resale apps, and amazon prime. You can do anything you set your mind to, but just set your expectations on incremental but consistent(ish) progress... at least at first.

3- Your house won't be clean.
It just won't, and from watching/knowing other women doing things like this (and not like this)  I just can assure you that if you spend every spare moment in a week working on something that takes you away from your daily routine and chores, YOUR HOUSE WILL BE WRECKED. And unless you have a house cleaner, that's just a price you have to pay. Somebody said to me yesterday, "But your house is probably always clean" and I laughed out loud. They obviously don't know me well enough yet, because it's just not. really. ever.

4- Sometimes the kids will watch TV and eat less than ideal snacks
This is self explanatory, but I always think of my kids playing in the dirt (oh, you thought we had a backyard!? Wrong you were!) wearing their pajamas at 3pm while we painted the house exterior..... and I think they ate cheese sticks and cereal for dinner. You can't have it all. The illusion of a perfectly clean house, perfectly groomed children, and sh*t getting done all at the same time is just that... an illusion.

So there it is. I work slowly, with what I have, sometimes with help but a lot by myself. Some days my kids are a little wilder and the work halts or progresses more slowly. But I've learned to manage expectations and be pleased by progress. Both my time and my budget are small, but my impact can be big if I just give it time. I'll be over here working if you need me.

And now a couple before and afters, because what's more satisfying than that?!
*and a blurred out bra because there aint no going back to take new 'Before' pictures now!*

My perfect three year old

Rory at 3:

Says something along the lines of "thank you for making us dinner mom. it's delicious" most nights. 

Has more than one book memorized and about 5 million songs (including the greatest showman soundtrack, every Daniel Tiger song, and several hymns and Taylor Swift songs)

Can keep up with adults in conversation with ease. 

Tells papa often that she's brave enough to ride horses, but jury is still out on whether that's true. 

Is a little on the bossy side, which most often I can appreciate. Ain't nobody going to step on our girl.

Loves "spinny dresses" (meaning any dress) and has a tribe of stuffed animals that she mothers. 

Is more excited than anything to be a big sister and talks/sings to/kisses my stomach every single day.

Is still an introvert like her mom and dad, but is starting to love playing with friends more and more.

Finally has hair! And curls at that! We waited a long time for this moment and are loving it.

Has really hard three year old moments, but makes up for them with sincere apologies and songs.

Has started to argue with me like an adult. It can be maddening....and sometimes hilarious.

Can mostly be reasoned with, though she's so smart that it HAS to be thorough reasoning. 

Is pretty obedient to her ok-to-wake light and once it goes off comes to our bed to cuddle. It's one of our favorite times of day- just unstructured time to snuggle as a family. 

Jay has started working from home and at least twice per day she asks if she can go down and give him a hug and kiss if she goes very very quietly. If he's not on a call I always say yes because somehow she's always true to her word and goes silently then comes straight back. 

Loves pink and purple and balloons and crowns and purses. and tutus and all things little girl.

Thanks Heavenly Father for Jesus and mom and dad and Boo and the baby in every prayer. 

Calls her personal prayers before bed "little girl prayers" and always tells me I can say the family prayer then she will say the little girl prayer. I once commented on how well she slept the night before and she responded, "it's because I said a prayer that I would have good dreams", which she does pray for nightly.

Is still a clean little chunk and is on the verge of a panic attack anytime she spills on her clothes or has something sticky on her hands. 

Thinks it's fun to sleep in the baby's crib and sleeps there some nights since it's set up in her room. 

Had a birthday party where all of her people showed up, which included some of her nursery friends, 7 year olds and teenage kids, my college roommates, our neighbors, her great grandparents, and my visiting teacher. She has the ability to engage and make friends with most anybody.

Any time my dad or Jay said happy birthday to her (she shared a birthday weekend with Father's Day this year) she responded with "Happy Father's Day" and was happy as anything to share her day with them. We love her more than words can say and are so proud of the intelligent, thoughtful, clean, empathetic, independent, and loyal little person she's becoming more of each day. 

Potty Training: the good, the bad, and the yucky

Potty Training happened over here a few weeks ago. Now before you think I'm some overachiever, you must know I wasn't planning on it all happening this early. It started when she would follow me into the bathroom, then she watched the Daniel Tiger episode (season 2, episode 1 you're welcome) and I thought it would be good to start a conversation about it. You know, just to make sure she has a happy from of reference for the whole thing once it came.

Then, (guys, she is crazy verbal) she started saying things like "I wanna go potty on the big girl potty!" and walking into the bathroom and closing the door every time she went pee or poop, and telling me as she paused and got a blank stare on her face, "Mom, I'm peeing right now!". And that went on for two solid months. Because we were headed on a twelve hour roadtrip with just the two of us, and another week-long family vacation so I was dragging my feet and thinking it might go away. Then I wanted to get her in a big girl bed first, in case she was the kind of kid that could potty train through the night. Luckily (sort of) that wasn't in the cards for her because we never did get that bed done and installed before we started potty training.

Long story short, we started. I had two different friends who had really good luck with the three-day method for potty training, so that's what we decided to use. I loved it. It's a quick read--like, you can read it all in one night. It's common sense and involves positive reinforcement, understanding, and creating opportunities for learning. Also it requires potty training and attention to your child to be your job and #1 priority for a few days- which I thought was logical since it is basically a job. So Jay and I talked through it, read the book, talked about what I won't be doing, what I will need from him, etc. and we started.

Day 1: We had several accidents in the morning, but by night time she had told me and made it to the potty more than once. We watched a lot of Moana and drew a lot of pictures sitting on a towel outside the bathroom this day.

Day 2: This was our hardest day. She hadn't slept well for her nap during day 1 or nighttime (accidents both times) and was tired. She made it through the first half of the day without accidents, but woke up from her nap early super grumpy and proceeded to have several more accidents before the end of the day. She successfully pooped on the toilet before bed (I basically caught her in the act of pooping and set her on the potty for her to finish the job, but it worked) and got a present for that, so we ended the day on a high note.

Day 3: Day 3 was a dream! A stressful dream, because I was worried about her having an accident all day, but still a dream! She went all day without an accident and I felt like she had finally caught on.

Post-three day method & issues we encountered:
The day after we finished the "method" training we went to Costco and she successfully went on a public toilet, which I was worried about! (Also worried about shopping in a warehouse so far from the bathroom, but we made it). I was feeling pretty good about it all. Then we went to the park with some cousins. And it was terrible. She told me she needed to go, but it was a little too late and she had a small accident, we rushed her to the potty to finish but I think she was stressed out and couldn't. I mean, I don't blame her- have you seen park bathrooms?! So that meant she had a second accident. Then we let her free-wander off in the trees with Boo for a while and came back with... can you guess? A little present for me. So 48 hours of no accidents finished off with a solid 3 within two hours.

One major problem we had (that contributed to the park accidents) was that if I knew she had quite a bit to drink and should probably go before we left somewhere she WOULD NOT. Like, would scream and do the dying swan type of would not try. She was totally great about going if it was her idea, but "trying" was not something she was game for. We have successfully skirted this issue by making a game out of "taking turns" with mom. Since we found this trick we haven't had any accidents because I can typically get her to empty her bladder before we end up somewhere I know could be too distracting for her to tell me in time. The other issue we've had is less major, and actually a little funny. Rory just has a hard time remembering to pull her underwear down, so three separate times she has gone up and gotten on the potty by herself and gone, only to call me up to help because she realized she still has her underwear on. Honestly, it's a pretty hassle-free mistake so I laugh more than get frustrated. Check with me in a few months to see how I feel if it doesn't change.

Night time. The woman who wrote the book had tons of ideas for nighttime potty-training and is a big believer that you should do both at the same time (meaning daytime and nighttime). This is I think the only point that I somewhat disagree on. Well actually, if you were super diligent and wanted your kid to be nighttime trained really badly I'm sure you could. But before we started potty training, Rory would still wake up with a super full diaper every morning and even if we withheld liquids 2-3 hours before bed and went potty twice before going to sleep, she would still have an accident an hour or two before she usually wakes up in the morning. I think 12 hours was just too long for her tiny bladder and she is the kind of girl who NEEDS her sleep, so we decided to give it the old college try, then after three nights we went to pull-ups. My plan is to hopefully do cloth diapers since there's only one per day and that's totally doable, and save pull-ups for things like vacations.

Update after a few weeks: Poop is still a little bit of a trial. I know when she needs to go because she tells me she needs to, then the moment she sits down stands right back up and declares, "No! I don't need to!" and does this about 6 times in a day. Apparently she likes her privacy on this matter, because if at the end of the night I take off her underwear for her and let her go by herself, she almost always gets the job done.

As for night time, we use ordered a cheap cloth diaper with good reviews off Amazon, and that's worked great. I'm planning on ordering several more and saving pull-ups for special occasions and babysitters! Unless she has something big to drink directly before bed, she wakes up fairly dry almost every morning anyways, which is new for her. Since we won't be spending money on pull-ups I'm putting off nighttime potty training for a while.

Otherwise, we still have accidents here or there, maybe once per week if I forget to take her potty before her nap or she's with a babysitter that's not family for the first time since potty-training (oops!), but otherwise she is doing amazing! I know this may not be the case with all my kids, so I'm counting my lucky stars with her.

18 months for Rory

It seems like there's something new every day during this phase. There are constantly new words or "isms"... like her pushing us around, her little bowlegs and pigeon toes, her obsessing over our "eyebows", or laying face down on the ground when she's upset.

Some days are a constant battle of wills and I go to bed mentally beat. But some days I get hugs, kisses, nuzzles, and 'I love yous' the whole day through and all those hard moments are forgotten.

Things I don't want to forget:
-Her fuzzy little alfalfa hair when she wakes up in the morning.
-She approaches me at least 3 times a day asking me to "play",
-Is constantly "shushing" and rocking her baby that Nana got her for Christmas.
-Hands me her binky and her blanket the moment I come to get her from her crib so we can cuddle.
-Currently has pushed my computer off my lap so she can sit there to read a book.
-Is constantly asking for cookies (pronounced "kiki"). A legitimate cookie monster.
-Can smell Hi-Chews from a mile away. If I'm eating one in the front seat of the car, she smells it from her carseat.
-Continues her passion for shoes, and asks me to put some on her every morning before she's even gone downstairs.
-Went through an incredibly fierce mommy phase about a month ago. It has since cooled off, but during the holidays if I was ever out of her sight she would call my name on repeat.
-Has the best cheesy, gap tooth grin and fake laugh you've ever heard.
-Is more in love with Boo every day and if she's not in the toy closet she's typically lounging on Boo's bed giving her repeated kisses.
-Loves any type of ball and loves to dribble or play catch.
-Hands me my phone so we can FaceTime Nana, Papa, Zane, or Brooke multiple times per day.
-When she can't find something, or I ask where something is, she inevitably responds with "I-da-know?" or "([Inanimate object].....whey-are youuuu?"
-She will spontaneously look at you and say your name with a big cheeser, or give multiple kisses in a row while basically bouncing her face off of yours.
*Things I forgot: When she reaches up and says "holdyou?", says "otay" in rapid fire repeat to any question you ask [e.g. Would you like some eggs? Otay.] and especially when she says "I sorryyy" anytime she hurts herself. It's beyond cute.

Basically, she's a riot and we really like her.