Rory tested positive for the flu almost two years ago at the end of March, which happened to coincide with the start of croup and a nether-regions irritation requiring baking soda baths (thanks, sensitive skin). The poor thing was miserable. There were high fevers and body aches and gnarly, painful coughs, etc etc. But honestly? The hardest thing was the tamiflu.
We caught the flu in time to get her started on tamiflu, which was a miracle for this (then) pregnant mama. I would have taken anything to shorten those symptoms. But after the first dose she decided she didn't like it, nor did she want to take it.
There was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, literally. There were, of course, preemptive conversations trying to explain why she needed to take the medicine. There was bribing and sugar coating and every trick our frazzled minds could think of. But then, there was flat refusal. Unwavering, tireless, strong-willed refusal.
But the medicine still had to be taken. And it had to be taken now.
Our sweet (and spicy) two-year old didn't care about tamiflu's timeline, or mine. So weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth there was. There was screaming. There was blood. There was hitting and biting and every sort of fight. I would do all I could to get it in, but often had to bring out reinforcements and hold her down. She was furious, and miserable. But the medicine had to be taken and we knew it would be best for her to do it now.
Every day I tried to explain once again that if she just took the medicine (emphasizing that I knew it was yucky) it could be over sooner and we could feel well and do all sorts of fun things. I tried to tell her that this was going to help her get better faster... because remember how bad it feels to have the flu?
Then one day a switch flipped. Nothing had changed, but she decided she would take the medicine. And take it she did- Without so much as a whimper.
The warm sun streamed through the window as we sat there on her little bed together and I had this epiphany. Really hard things happen to us in our lives. The theoretical flu hits us out of nowhere and brings us to our knees, hiding under covers with our bodies shaking. Lucky for us, there is medicine. There is a healing balm provided for each ailment. And there's a Savior who knows the required treatment. And it might not taste like cookies. It might taste like forgiveness when it's hard. It might taste like repentance. It might taste like work and therapy and letting go.
Does taking the provided medicine make our ailments disappear immediately? No. And certainly the more painful and serious the flu the longer it may take to heal. But does that mean that we shirk our medicine after the first dose? Of course not.
And like my girl, we can fight the medicine as the Lord tries so lovingly to administer it. Though he doesn't force it on us, we may weep and wail and gnash under the pressure of knowing what we should do and NOT wanting to do it. Honestly, we may be sick for a long time before we open our eyes to see him sitting there, on our little twin bed in the sunlight- waiting. We may fight the medicine he offers for days, we may fight it for years.
But God willing there will come a day if we so choose, when we just stop fighting. When for some reason it clicks, or maybe we are just so desperate to get rid of the sludge in our chest that we sit in the sunlight and take the medicine. That we revel in the recovery. And I hope that day comes sooner than later, where we sit in the sunlight with the Lord and let him heal us.
Showing posts with label hardship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hardship. Show all posts
16 January 2020
26 October 2017
The hardest year of my life/how I made it
Last summer my grandpa died, and thus ushered in the hardest year of my life thus far. The 11 months after that included my parents getting separated and divorced, losing a cousin, and a painful miscarriage. It was a lot to take on in a year, and one year later I'm still standing, but in a radically different world than I did before.
I'm not saying I have come out unscathed from the hardest year of my life (thus far). But I am saying I survived- and I feel emotionally stable and healthy and in a good place almost every day now. I know it may not be the worst year of my life ever but by any standard it was a pretty life altering and terrible period of time. There are a million different ways to have a really hard period of your life, but I found that when I was doing certain things I was much more okay than when I wasn't- and the same may ring true for you.
1. Find your therapy. (Also, if you need it, get some therapy) Find something that's therapeutic for you, and make the time to do that thing. I write, and I exercise and I sat down and made goals about those things even though I've got a lot on my plate. This is related to recharging your batteries (below), but distinctly different. Therapy can recharge your batteries, but more than that therapy helps actively clear your mind and recenter your spirit.
2. Say no. There are "no" periods of our lives, and there are "yes" periods. (link here to a podcast I love that talks about this very thing) Essentially, it's ok to say no. Not to everything- but when you are overwhelmed and know what you need to do to stay afloat, say no to the things that are more than you can handle. Narrow things down, cut out the static and focus on the core things you need to focus on. (e.g. taking care of your mind, body, and your family relationships) If you can't take on another project or responsibility it's ok to say no. I did this quite a bit on my hardest days, and I always looked back and was grateful that I allowed myself some grace. Sidetone: this is a lot easier to do and a lot less guilt inducing when you are open with friends and family. A straight "no" is a lot more harsh and a little less honest than a "you know what, I wish I could. We are going through a lot/have a lot on our plate right now and I really feel like I can't take this on right now"
3. Recharge your batteries SO. MUCH. MORE. OFTEN. For example, I like people and I like being with and talking to people....but when I need to recharge, I am a classic introvert. And so is Jay. I need to stay home and take a bath, and clean my house, and do my nails and read a book. And when you are in the middle of something really hard, you are so emotionally spent so often that you need to do more recharging than you might normally do. Maybe recharging for you looks like girl's nights or long walks or good workouts. Find out what recharges you and do more of it.
4. Sit in your feelings and feel them. Don't wallow in your feelings forever, but don't suppress them in hopes that they will disappear. (Big hint: they don't) Sit and take them as they come. Get mad, cry when you need a good cry, call a safe person and talk it out if you need to explode. If you don't know how to feel and express complicated emotions therapy is a good option to help you sort through them.
5. Hold onto your God and your spirituality with your life. If you've ever heard the term "buy low, sell high" the principle applies here so well. (can you tell I was raised by a father in the financial industry...?) The concept is that people get scared when things (stocks, etc) are low and things are hard and they bail out because it's scary and hard to stay. In reality, that is the worst possible thing you could do. You should evaluate whether to pull when things are high- the low times are when it's most important to stay and ride the curve back up. Stay in the boat. Ride out the wave. All of these sayings are about staying on board with whatever was keeping you stable and safe even when it gets scary.
6. Keep your head up and look forward. There are so many things you can't control in the past or things that you could dwell on that could suck up your entire day, week, or year. No matter how intense or non-intense our hardships have been, this is true. But we also all have so many good things to look for in the future. We each also have new experiences and hope ahead of us. Tomorrow is always a new day and the good news is we can keep refocusing on the hope ahead rather than the tragedy and heartache in the past and sometimes the present.
Essentially, simplify your life and focus on the essentials. Really take a deep look at yourself and your situation to figure out what helps you. Be kind and forgiving to yourself, and even more than that be a little more kind and forgiving to others- because you know what it feels like to not feel your best.
I'm not saying I have come out unscathed from the hardest year of my life (thus far). But I am saying I survived- and I feel emotionally stable and healthy and in a good place almost every day now. I know it may not be the worst year of my life ever but by any standard it was a pretty life altering and terrible period of time. There are a million different ways to have a really hard period of your life, but I found that when I was doing certain things I was much more okay than when I wasn't- and the same may ring true for you.
1. Find your therapy. (Also, if you need it, get some therapy) Find something that's therapeutic for you, and make the time to do that thing. I write, and I exercise and I sat down and made goals about those things even though I've got a lot on my plate. This is related to recharging your batteries (below), but distinctly different. Therapy can recharge your batteries, but more than that therapy helps actively clear your mind and recenter your spirit.
2. Say no. There are "no" periods of our lives, and there are "yes" periods. (link here to a podcast I love that talks about this very thing) Essentially, it's ok to say no. Not to everything- but when you are overwhelmed and know what you need to do to stay afloat, say no to the things that are more than you can handle. Narrow things down, cut out the static and focus on the core things you need to focus on. (e.g. taking care of your mind, body, and your family relationships) If you can't take on another project or responsibility it's ok to say no. I did this quite a bit on my hardest days, and I always looked back and was grateful that I allowed myself some grace. Sidetone: this is a lot easier to do and a lot less guilt inducing when you are open with friends and family. A straight "no" is a lot more harsh and a little less honest than a "you know what, I wish I could. We are going through a lot/have a lot on our plate right now and I really feel like I can't take this on right now"
3. Recharge your batteries SO. MUCH. MORE. OFTEN. For example, I like people and I like being with and talking to people....but when I need to recharge, I am a classic introvert. And so is Jay. I need to stay home and take a bath, and clean my house, and do my nails and read a book. And when you are in the middle of something really hard, you are so emotionally spent so often that you need to do more recharging than you might normally do. Maybe recharging for you looks like girl's nights or long walks or good workouts. Find out what recharges you and do more of it.
4. Sit in your feelings and feel them. Don't wallow in your feelings forever, but don't suppress them in hopes that they will disappear. (Big hint: they don't) Sit and take them as they come. Get mad, cry when you need a good cry, call a safe person and talk it out if you need to explode. If you don't know how to feel and express complicated emotions therapy is a good option to help you sort through them.
5. Hold onto your God and your spirituality with your life. If you've ever heard the term "buy low, sell high" the principle applies here so well. (can you tell I was raised by a father in the financial industry...?) The concept is that people get scared when things (stocks, etc) are low and things are hard and they bail out because it's scary and hard to stay. In reality, that is the worst possible thing you could do. You should evaluate whether to pull when things are high- the low times are when it's most important to stay and ride the curve back up. Stay in the boat. Ride out the wave. All of these sayings are about staying on board with whatever was keeping you stable and safe even when it gets scary.
6. Keep your head up and look forward. There are so many things you can't control in the past or things that you could dwell on that could suck up your entire day, week, or year. No matter how intense or non-intense our hardships have been, this is true. But we also all have so many good things to look for in the future. We each also have new experiences and hope ahead of us. Tomorrow is always a new day and the good news is we can keep refocusing on the hope ahead rather than the tragedy and heartache in the past and sometimes the present.
Essentially, simplify your life and focus on the essentials. Really take a deep look at yourself and your situation to figure out what helps you. Be kind and forgiving to yourself, and even more than that be a little more kind and forgiving to others- because you know what it feels like to not feel your best.
24 August 2017
Of economics and of soul mates
I've sold more than one item second hand. Have you? I've sold unopened water filters and shoes and cars and mattresses, etc.
And there's one thing I've learned. (Aside from that sometimes people are flaky and the worst) And it's that not everything has a huge market. And sometimes, even with the things that you love most or have the most value, it may take a while to find the right buyer. Almost always, you just have to wait.
Example: after Jay and I got married I inherited this GORGEOUS black BMW. You guys, I'm talking black, sleek, gorgeous coupe. I felt like a million bucks in that car, and it drove like a million bucks. Black leather, great sound system, fast-- the car was a dream. Then we started feeling like we wanted to have babies and start our family.
You know what doesn't work with a carseat? A low, two-door, beautiful coupe.
So we looked up what it was worth, I detailed it by hand, we took to-die-for pictures of it on a mountain top, and we listed it online. And then....
*crickets*
and.....
*more crickets*
We couldn't figure out why nobody wanted this car. It was legitimately perfect (I will forever mourn having to sell it in the first place) and I would have kept it forever and ever-- yet, it seemed like nobody wanted it. We waited and waited and waited some more. We received some interest without offers, and some offers that were laughably low. We took it to carmax, only to walk out with an offer so insulting my dad swore he would never do business with them. The whole thing was incredibly disheartening.
It made us question... was the car not worth what we thought it was? Was the authority we referenced to find its value wrong? But we hoped that wasn't the case, we stuck to our guns, and we waited. And you know what? It took a long time, but we found a buyer. We happened to be out of town when they came, and they asked my mom what our lowest price was. She told them a few hundred below list price, and they snatched it right up. And do you know what my mom told me later? She told me she thinks they would have payed full price. Maybe even more. This car was just what they were looking for, and they knew what it was worth. When you find someone who recognizes the value of what you have to offer, you don't have to cut them a bargain for them to want to take it home.
Now on to dating/marriage/self worth/the bigger picture here. Gosh, we all have so much inherit worth inside of us. And our hearts are on the market there for a little while, and sometimes longer. And it's tricky. It's all just really tricky. There's people telling us there is no such thing as a soul mate, and 'you can make things work with anyone'. But you date and date and date and there's still this nagging feeling that you just couldn't make do with what you've been handed so far. And if you feel like there's a soul mate out there for you it can be overwhelmingly heavy concept to carry. And it's just downright hard to reconcile all of the ideas swirling around on the subject with real life and how your heart feels while you're living it.
Basically, it's the worst. But I think our hearts are all a little bit like a precious item for sale-- in the midst of a bunch of other unique, precious items for sale. We're all different and look and feel and sound different and are made up of different stuff. And we're all worth a lot. But not everybody is looking for exactly what you're offering, or maybe they value you a bit under you're worth. Or maybe they would take you for half price but somewhere inside of you it sits wrong. You're worth more than that. And you sit... and you wait... and you wonder if you're worth what you thought you were, or worth anything at all. Maybe you're wondering if there's anybody out there that's looking for, well... you. And you wonder if whoever or whatever told you you were worth something was wrong, or maybe didn't know you well enough.
And here lies your option. You can take a lowball offer, a lot of people do I think. You can lower you price and take less because you think that's what you're worth. Or you can go to the source and the one who knows you best and ask. Ask what you're worth. Ask if you're loved. Ask if someday someone will come and see you and know your value.
You can find somebody looking for you. For some people maybe there's only one buyer in the world that's looking for what we have to offer, but I think for most of us there's probably a few who would see you and you see them and you both know exactly what the others worth, and are willing to pay the price to take that home with you. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes there just isn't any interest coming in, sometimes there seems to be a ton of insulting low ball offers, maybe somebody is interested but with some hefty changes here and there. And you may question what the heck you're doing here, or if it's all worth it. But wait. Be patient. I implore of you. The right one will come and jump at the chance to give all they've got to have you.
I was there. I remember. I remember the ones who were interested but fickle. The ones who thought maybe I was worth it, but changed their mind on the subject from day to day. The ones who just took a look and weren't interested in what I had to offer.
It's economics, people. If there's one buyer out there for you it's just bound to take a minute. If there are two or three that could work it will still take a minute. Every once in a while, fate smiles on people and they find each other right away without a lot of searching, but I think it's much less common. The rest of us must soldier on and exercise patience and try our best not to take our hearts off the market because it hurts to keep it up when it seems like there just aren't any perfect buyers out there.
Example: after Jay and I got married I inherited this GORGEOUS black BMW. You guys, I'm talking black, sleek, gorgeous coupe. I felt like a million bucks in that car, and it drove like a million bucks. Black leather, great sound system, fast-- the car was a dream. Then we started feeling like we wanted to have babies and start our family.
You know what doesn't work with a carseat? A low, two-door, beautiful coupe.
So we looked up what it was worth, I detailed it by hand, we took to-die-for pictures of it on a mountain top, and we listed it online. And then....
*crickets*
and.....
*more crickets*
We couldn't figure out why nobody wanted this car. It was legitimately perfect (I will forever mourn having to sell it in the first place) and I would have kept it forever and ever-- yet, it seemed like nobody wanted it. We waited and waited and waited some more. We received some interest without offers, and some offers that were laughably low. We took it to carmax, only to walk out with an offer so insulting my dad swore he would never do business with them. The whole thing was incredibly disheartening.
It made us question... was the car not worth what we thought it was? Was the authority we referenced to find its value wrong? But we hoped that wasn't the case, we stuck to our guns, and we waited. And you know what? It took a long time, but we found a buyer. We happened to be out of town when they came, and they asked my mom what our lowest price was. She told them a few hundred below list price, and they snatched it right up. And do you know what my mom told me later? She told me she thinks they would have payed full price. Maybe even more. This car was just what they were looking for, and they knew what it was worth. When you find someone who recognizes the value of what you have to offer, you don't have to cut them a bargain for them to want to take it home.
Now on to dating/marriage/self worth/the bigger picture here. Gosh, we all have so much inherit worth inside of us. And our hearts are on the market there for a little while, and sometimes longer. And it's tricky. It's all just really tricky. There's people telling us there is no such thing as a soul mate, and 'you can make things work with anyone'. But you date and date and date and there's still this nagging feeling that you just couldn't make do with what you've been handed so far. And if you feel like there's a soul mate out there for you it can be overwhelmingly heavy concept to carry. And it's just downright hard to reconcile all of the ideas swirling around on the subject with real life and how your heart feels while you're living it.
Basically, it's the worst. But I think our hearts are all a little bit like a precious item for sale-- in the midst of a bunch of other unique, precious items for sale. We're all different and look and feel and sound different and are made up of different stuff. And we're all worth a lot. But not everybody is looking for exactly what you're offering, or maybe they value you a bit under you're worth. Or maybe they would take you for half price but somewhere inside of you it sits wrong. You're worth more than that. And you sit... and you wait... and you wonder if you're worth what you thought you were, or worth anything at all. Maybe you're wondering if there's anybody out there that's looking for, well... you. And you wonder if whoever or whatever told you you were worth something was wrong, or maybe didn't know you well enough.
And here lies your option. You can take a lowball offer, a lot of people do I think. You can lower you price and take less because you think that's what you're worth. Or you can go to the source and the one who knows you best and ask. Ask what you're worth. Ask if you're loved. Ask if someday someone will come and see you and know your value.
You can find somebody looking for you. For some people maybe there's only one buyer in the world that's looking for what we have to offer, but I think for most of us there's probably a few who would see you and you see them and you both know exactly what the others worth, and are willing to pay the price to take that home with you. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes there just isn't any interest coming in, sometimes there seems to be a ton of insulting low ball offers, maybe somebody is interested but with some hefty changes here and there. And you may question what the heck you're doing here, or if it's all worth it. But wait. Be patient. I implore of you. The right one will come and jump at the chance to give all they've got to have you.
I was there. I remember. I remember the ones who were interested but fickle. The ones who thought maybe I was worth it, but changed their mind on the subject from day to day. The ones who just took a look and weren't interested in what I had to offer.
It's economics, people. If there's one buyer out there for you it's just bound to take a minute. If there are two or three that could work it will still take a minute. Every once in a while, fate smiles on people and they find each other right away without a lot of searching, but I think it's much less common. The rest of us must soldier on and exercise patience and try our best not to take our hearts off the market because it hurts to keep it up when it seems like there just aren't any perfect buyers out there.
06 March 2017
Trials, survival, and thriving
The snow is not over.
It will never be all the way over.
(unless you live in certain parts of the world, in which 'snow' can be replaced with either heat or bugs)
It comes back, whether it's in 8 months or 2 weeks. And some people hate it and some people love it. And some of us love it one day and hate it the next.
I've thought a lot about it lately. And the snow draws this strong parallel to opposition/trial/heartache for me. Maybe because in a lot of ways snow can pose literal opposition. Whether it's opposition getting out of your driveway, or having to shovel or just the feeling of being freezing cold. None of those feel quite like the warm sun on your skin, am I right?
Anyways, I feel like it's ok to stay in for a day when it's just too much. And it's ok to not drive to the gym at 5am when the roads haven't been plowed. But life does have to go on, and we have a choice what we do with that bit of truth. We can go out and shovel before first light and enjoy the quiet peace and exercise that comes with that, or we can do the same and be miserable and cold. We can prepare to go out in that snow by wearing the right clothing, and driving the correct way for the weather, or act in protest of reality and be miserable.
And everything applies the same way to opposition. Some days we're going to need to stay in and take cover, whatever that looks like. Some days we're going to need to show ourselves grace and be okay if we were too overwhelmed to do the dishes or mop the floors (or feed the baby well-rounded meals or go to the gym more than once a month haha) But life does go on- it must. We must continue to get up and brave the snow, so to speak. We must do all we can, and wear warm clothes and pray our guts out and make the best of that alone/crawl-in-a-hole-to-deal time, keep our important relationships as in tact the best we can, and then go out and keep living. And believe it or not, there are beautiful moments in the chaos if we will recognize them. And the sun will come out eventually, even though some storms seem to last forever. And every long winter helps you to appreciate a warm spring, and every bad relationship helps you appreciate your healthy relationships, and every illness helps me feel grateful for my health, and every hard day makes me grateful for easier days.
I've heard people say that they are grateful for their trials, and I wasn't sure that I really believed that. I mean, grateful for them?? But I'm starting to slowly understand it. When I get to the end of my life I want my life to have character and meaning. I want it to have texture and depth and understanding, and I honestly believe that the way we handle our trials is one of the things that most thoroughly has that effect on our lives.
I'm not saying I love trials (is that even possible?). I don't ask for them in my prayers or accept them with open arms. They are hard and painful and soul-stretching, which is uncomfortable at minimum. I'm just saying that I've done a bit of aforementioned soul-stretching, and am working on becoming more through my trials. On strengthening my muscles through shoveling the snow, so to speak.
Maya Angelou said it best, "Surviving is important, thriving is elegant"
So here's to striving for more days of elegance.
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