how I do it

I do a lot of things.
I say that, but there's days (not infrequently) that I feel like I've accomplished nothing at the end of the day.
But every time I talk on social media about the things I'm working on, I inevitably get some version of this question.....

"BUT WHERE ARE THE KIDS?!"
Basically, you folks want to know how I do it and have two wild, needy, hungry, perfect, sweet, loud minions running around. And it's a good question that I would probably ask if I was outside my life looking in, too. So this is my attempt to answer it, because a simple phrase won't do the question justice. (Don't we all wish it was as simple as that.  Can I be Molly Weasley and have brooms picking up after my children all day.... ?? #simplefix but I digress)

First, I'm going to tell you a story about the moment my pain to stay still became bigger than my pain to start.

When Rory was three weeks old we moved into a foreclosure. I mean, it didn't have to be gutted.... but it was definitely a foreclosure. The yard was made of weeds our dog could get lost in, the walls had all been painted a hideous brown by the foreclosure company, the carpets reeked of urine, and there were egg stains on the front from some teenage kids. Cute. But Overwhelming. The only thing we hired out was the floor installation (after a huge debacle ripping the nasty carpet out which included baby Rory strapped to my chest and a very mean trespassing goose.... a story for another time). 

We were over the moon, regardless of the flaws. And Rory was colicky, and Jay was working long hours and exhausted every night, and I was totally overwhelmed with both my new situation and the enormity of the projects ahead. (As a side note, I was raised in a house with a dad who preferred to hire out all maintenance, so although I had the heart for it, whether I had the skill was tbd)

Rory didn't nap at all at first, so I spent a lot of time holding her through naptime and staring at the ugly brown walls (as I watched countless hours of Gilmore Girls) but then we got over that hurdle and I thought maybe I could do some things. But I didn't. EVERY, SINGLE wall and ceiling in this house needed to be painted... at a minimum. Not to mention the 137 nail holes in what must have been a poster-clad teenager's room upstairs. So I waited for Jay and I to find some magical hour where we weren't exhausted and didn't have more pressing projects that required a team. Months passed, and it just didn't happen. And I looked at those walls every day. And they were not quite sparking joy if you catch my drift.

But one day I had the realization that if I was intentional with the hour and a half that Rory napped each day, in one week I could have a room painted. And in 52 maybe I could actually do this myself. And I was tired of waiting. So I would prep before she fell asleep. Get my paint clothes on, get all the tools prepped and ready, and the moment she went down I would paint. I felt so empowered. Because I've been where you are, sitting and waiting for a time when I can do all these things I want to do. And I've been on the other side hustling with whatever time I have. Not scrolling, not waiting, not tidying, not delaying, just hustling. (There are still days... lots of them... when I don't hustle like I should. But I've worked on it and I have more days than not when I chase dreams in my downtime)

So if you aren't here for stories here's the four things that I think are the most crucial to understanding how I do the things I do.

1- Just use what you have.
I don't use fancy tools, and we've honestly never had much of a budget for these sort of things. I pay for the stuff I want to do with birthday giftcards and side hustle money selling used clothes. For painting the exterior of our house I literally started by using a roller because I just really wanted to start and if it took all summer I was going to do it (Luckily, a neighbor saw me and took pity on me and my gumption... and we learned how to use his sprayer as we went!) So learn on youtube, borrow tools when necessary, but mostly start where you are using what you have and go from there. In the words of Alison Robertson- DONE IS FUN!

2- Be ok with incremental progress
This is huge- because it's not going to feel like an HGTV makeover show. Immediate gratification is nice, but working your tail off doing things yourself is so much less glamorous. There is sawdust and unfinished projects taking up space, etc. etc. etc. Sometimes for months. depending on the project. (It's easy to think "oh my gosh! 8 posts ago she was starting and now she's done! But I started my closet in October so let that serve as a little reality check for us all) We have never had a nanny (although I just recently struck a trade deal for a couple hours a week with the girl down the street and I. AM. STOKED) or a housecleaner, and for the first four years of the process I didn't even have a car so just do what you can. I've learned to leverage mornings, naptimes, clothing resale apps, and amazon prime. You can do anything you set your mind to, but just set your expectations on incremental but consistent(ish) progress... at least at first.

3- Your house won't be clean.
It just won't, and from watching/knowing other women doing things like this (and not like this)  I just can assure you that if you spend every spare moment in a week working on something that takes you away from your daily routine and chores, YOUR HOUSE WILL BE WRECKED. And unless you have a house cleaner, that's just a price you have to pay. Somebody said to me yesterday, "But your house is probably always clean" and I laughed out loud. They obviously don't know me well enough yet, because it's just not. really. ever.

4- Sometimes the kids will watch TV and eat less than ideal snacks
This is self explanatory, but I always think of my kids playing in the dirt (oh, you thought we had a backyard!? Wrong you were!) wearing their pajamas at 3pm while we painted the house exterior..... and I think they ate cheese sticks and cereal for dinner. You can't have it all. The illusion of a perfectly clean house, perfectly groomed children, and sh*t getting done all at the same time is just that... an illusion.

So there it is. I work slowly, with what I have, sometimes with help but a lot by myself. Some days my kids are a little wilder and the work halts or progresses more slowly. But I've learned to manage expectations and be pleased by progress. Both my time and my budget are small, but my impact can be big if I just give it time. I'll be over here working if you need me.

And now a couple before and afters, because what's more satisfying than that?!
*and a blurred out bra because there aint no going back to take new 'Before' pictures now!*

The hardest year of my life/how I made it

Last summer my grandpa died, and thus ushered in the hardest year of my life thus far. The 11 months after that included my parents getting separated and divorced, losing a cousin, and a painful miscarriage. It was a lot to take on in a year, and one year later I'm still standing, but in a radically different world than I did before.

I'm not saying I have come out unscathed from the hardest year of my life (thus far). But I am saying I survived- and I feel emotionally stable and healthy and in a good place almost every day now. I know it may not be the worst year of my life ever but by any standard it was a pretty life altering and terrible period of time. There are a million different ways to have a really hard period of your life, but I found that when I was doing certain things I was much more okay than when I wasn't- and the same may ring true for you.

1. Find your therapy. (Also, if you need it, get some therapy) Find something that's therapeutic for you, and make the time to do that thing. I write, and I exercise and I sat down and made goals about those things even though I've got a lot on my plate. This is related to recharging your batteries (below), but distinctly different. Therapy can recharge your batteries, but more than that therapy helps actively clear your mind and recenter your spirit.

2. Say no. There are "no" periods of our lives, and there are "yes" periods. (link here to a podcast I love that talks about this very thing) Essentially, it's ok to say no. Not to everything- but when you are overwhelmed and know what you need to do to stay afloat, say no to the things that are more than you can handle. Narrow things down, cut out the static and focus on the core things you need to focus on. (e.g. taking care of your mind, body, and your family relationships)  If you can't take on another project or responsibility it's ok to say no. I did this quite a bit on my hardest days, and I always looked back and was grateful that I allowed myself some grace. Sidetone: this is a lot easier to do and a lot less guilt inducing when you are open with friends and family. A straight "no" is a lot more harsh and a little less honest than a "you know what, I wish I could. We are going through a lot/have a lot on our plate right now and I really feel like I can't take this on right now"

3. Recharge your batteries SO. MUCH. MORE. OFTEN. For example, I like people and I like being with and talking to people....but when I need to recharge, I am a classic introvert. And so is Jay. I need to stay home and take a bath, and clean my house, and do my nails and read a book. And when you are in the middle of something really hard, you are so emotionally spent so often that you need to do more recharging than you might normally do. Maybe recharging for you looks like girl's nights or long walks or good workouts. Find out what recharges you and do more of it.

4. Sit in your feelings and feel them. Don't wallow in your feelings forever, but don't suppress them in hopes that they will disappear. (Big hint: they don't) Sit and take them as they come. Get mad, cry when you need a good cry, call a safe person and talk it out if you need to explode. If you don't know how to feel and express complicated emotions therapy is a good option to help you sort through them.

5. Hold onto your God and your spirituality with your life. If you've ever heard the term "buy low, sell high" the principle applies here so well. (can you tell I was raised by a father in the financial industry...?) The concept is that people get scared when things (stocks, etc) are low and things are hard and they bail out because it's scary and hard to stay. In reality, that is the worst possible thing you could do. You should evaluate whether to pull when things are high- the low times are when it's most important to stay and ride the curve back up.  Stay in the boat. Ride out the wave. All of these sayings are about staying on board with whatever was keeping you stable and safe even when it gets scary.

6. Keep your head up and look forward. There are so many things you can't control in the past or things that you could dwell on that could suck up your entire day, week, or year. No matter how intense or non-intense our hardships have been, this is true. But we also all have so many good things to look for in the future. We each also have new experiences and hope ahead of us. Tomorrow is always a new day and the good news is we can keep refocusing on the hope ahead rather than the tragedy and heartache in the past and sometimes the present.

Essentially, simplify your life and focus on the essentials. Really take a deep look at yourself and your situation to figure out what helps you. Be kind and forgiving to yourself, and even more than that be a little more kind and forgiving to others- because you know what it feels like to not feel your best.

Potty Training: the good, the bad, and the yucky

Potty Training happened over here a few weeks ago. Now before you think I'm some overachiever, you must know I wasn't planning on it all happening this early. It started when she would follow me into the bathroom, then she watched the Daniel Tiger episode (season 2, episode 1 you're welcome) and I thought it would be good to start a conversation about it. You know, just to make sure she has a happy from of reference for the whole thing once it came.

Then, (guys, she is crazy verbal) she started saying things like "I wanna go potty on the big girl potty!" and walking into the bathroom and closing the door every time she went pee or poop, and telling me as she paused and got a blank stare on her face, "Mom, I'm peeing right now!". And that went on for two solid months. Because we were headed on a twelve hour roadtrip with just the two of us, and another week-long family vacation so I was dragging my feet and thinking it might go away. Then I wanted to get her in a big girl bed first, in case she was the kind of kid that could potty train through the night. Luckily (sort of) that wasn't in the cards for her because we never did get that bed done and installed before we started potty training.

Long story short, we started. I had two different friends who had really good luck with the three-day method for potty training, so that's what we decided to use. I loved it. It's a quick read--like, you can read it all in one night. It's common sense and involves positive reinforcement, understanding, and creating opportunities for learning. Also it requires potty training and attention to your child to be your job and #1 priority for a few days- which I thought was logical since it is basically a job. So Jay and I talked through it, read the book, talked about what I won't be doing, what I will need from him, etc. and we started.

Day 1: We had several accidents in the morning, but by night time she had told me and made it to the potty more than once. We watched a lot of Moana and drew a lot of pictures sitting on a towel outside the bathroom this day.

Day 2: This was our hardest day. She hadn't slept well for her nap during day 1 or nighttime (accidents both times) and was tired. She made it through the first half of the day without accidents, but woke up from her nap early super grumpy and proceeded to have several more accidents before the end of the day. She successfully pooped on the toilet before bed (I basically caught her in the act of pooping and set her on the potty for her to finish the job, but it worked) and got a present for that, so we ended the day on a high note.

Day 3: Day 3 was a dream! A stressful dream, because I was worried about her having an accident all day, but still a dream! She went all day without an accident and I felt like she had finally caught on.

Post-three day method & issues we encountered:
The day after we finished the "method" training we went to Costco and she successfully went on a public toilet, which I was worried about! (Also worried about shopping in a warehouse so far from the bathroom, but we made it). I was feeling pretty good about it all. Then we went to the park with some cousins. And it was terrible. She told me she needed to go, but it was a little too late and she had a small accident, we rushed her to the potty to finish but I think she was stressed out and couldn't. I mean, I don't blame her- have you seen park bathrooms?! So that meant she had a second accident. Then we let her free-wander off in the trees with Boo for a while and came back with... can you guess? A little present for me. So 48 hours of no accidents finished off with a solid 3 within two hours.

One major problem we had (that contributed to the park accidents) was that if I knew she had quite a bit to drink and should probably go before we left somewhere she WOULD NOT. Like, would scream and do the dying swan type of would not try. She was totally great about going if it was her idea, but "trying" was not something she was game for. We have successfully skirted this issue by making a game out of "taking turns" with mom. Since we found this trick we haven't had any accidents because I can typically get her to empty her bladder before we end up somewhere I know could be too distracting for her to tell me in time. The other issue we've had is less major, and actually a little funny. Rory just has a hard time remembering to pull her underwear down, so three separate times she has gone up and gotten on the potty by herself and gone, only to call me up to help because she realized she still has her underwear on. Honestly, it's a pretty hassle-free mistake so I laugh more than get frustrated. Check with me in a few months to see how I feel if it doesn't change.

Night time. The woman who wrote the book had tons of ideas for nighttime potty-training and is a big believer that you should do both at the same time (meaning daytime and nighttime). This is I think the only point that I somewhat disagree on. Well actually, if you were super diligent and wanted your kid to be nighttime trained really badly I'm sure you could. But before we started potty training, Rory would still wake up with a super full diaper every morning and even if we withheld liquids 2-3 hours before bed and went potty twice before going to sleep, she would still have an accident an hour or two before she usually wakes up in the morning. I think 12 hours was just too long for her tiny bladder and she is the kind of girl who NEEDS her sleep, so we decided to give it the old college try, then after three nights we went to pull-ups. My plan is to hopefully do cloth diapers since there's only one per day and that's totally doable, and save pull-ups for things like vacations.

Update after a few weeks: Poop is still a little bit of a trial. I know when she needs to go because she tells me she needs to, then the moment she sits down stands right back up and declares, "No! I don't need to!" and does this about 6 times in a day. Apparently she likes her privacy on this matter, because if at the end of the night I take off her underwear for her and let her go by herself, she almost always gets the job done.

As for night time, we use ordered a cheap cloth diaper with good reviews off Amazon, and that's worked great. I'm planning on ordering several more and saving pull-ups for special occasions and babysitters! Unless she has something big to drink directly before bed, she wakes up fairly dry almost every morning anyways, which is new for her. Since we won't be spending money on pull-ups I'm putting off nighttime potty training for a while.

Otherwise, we still have accidents here or there, maybe once per week if I forget to take her potty before her nap or she's with a babysitter that's not family for the first time since potty-training (oops!), but otherwise she is doing amazing! I know this may not be the case with all my kids, so I'm counting my lucky stars with her.

Back home

Gosh, I love my grandma's house. It's the one place from my childhood that is still ours and still the same, and there's just something so comforting about that. 

Our trip was full of simple magic and nostalgia. We stayed at grandma's house, ate cobbler made from fresh peaches, went to the zoo, spent quiet mornings on the porch, and Rory romped around with Ginger (the dog) and the new kitten as often as we'd let her. Ginger passed away and went home a few weeks after we left: I like to think she went home to be with grandpa when his year anniversary of being called home came. Rory still talks about Ginger often, and I still think of all that's different these days.. and hold tight to all that remains the same. 

Grandma still gardens, she still loves books and read to Rory every night, she still makes the best tortellini soup and sourdough pancakes on the planet. She still sends me home with homemade jams and cinnamon raisin bread, and she still has impeccable taste. On that note, I think every time I'm there I find a new piece of timeless furniture I love and haven't noticed before. 

We went home because i needed my people. And I needed them to know my baby. We moved when Rory was just three weeks old and with everything happening in my own family, we haven't come back for more than a few days for funerals in over a year. So these people who came to my graduations and made me dinner more times than I can count and were in the temple on my wedding day didn't know this tiny person who made me a mom. And I just couldn't live with that for another year; so I went home. 

Because I went home, I will always chuckle thinking of Rory jumping off the couch onto Uncle Ty's lap yelling "Uncle Pie!", and I will always remember bathing my baby in the claw footed tub where grandma used to bathe me, and I will remember Rory asking for weeks and weeks after (ok, she's still asking) if we could "go to California mommy". I will remember how sweetly she asked if she could help grandma put flowers on grandpa's grave in my favorite sweet little cemetery, and how much she obsessed over her cousins (especially baby Ruth: pronounced Roof). There's just something about being home that grounds me and reminds me what I actually want and who I want to be. So for today we will keep chugging along from far away grateful that there's always holidays and eternities where we get to be with all our people. If you have a chance-- (even if that chance involves 13 hours of driving by yourself with a toddler) go home.

Pool time at Nana's

Both girls (puppy + tiny human) were introduced to the water when we went to CA a few weeks ago.
Boo literally could not get enough, and we often had to escort her out to take a break.
(her presence/enthusiasm & doggy-paddle/claw combo was a little overwhelming)
Rory was much more content sitting on a towel and watching from afar.
There may have been some panicky whining when her toes touched the water.

We are really wishing we were back there lathered in sunscreen right now.
A community pool just doesn't live up to that view, am I right?

It is what's ahead, not behind.

High school is such a fun, confusing time when the world is at your fingertips

and it still mostly feels small and safe. 

Your world still resides largely inside a bubble that feeds, clothes, and protects you. 

Dating is friendly and fun and innocent and doesn't have to go anywhere.

Half of me envies that stage, then the other half of me remembers how hard it can be too.

You don't have freedom to do and be where you want yet, 

society hasn't caught up to how grown up you feel, 

and you really haven't figured yourself out for most of those years. 

I spent far too many hours worrying about whether people could see the fat on my legs 

when I sat in my desk, or wishing I had somebody else skin or clothes or body.

I wish somebody would have by some miracle made me understand that none of that really matters, and that the best is yet to come. 

The realest, deepest felt, most expanding, life changing experiences are still out there. 

Enjoy high school for what it is! Don't wish for it to be different or over. 

And be so excited for what's just around the bend, it is so so good if you choose it.

It's what's ahead, not as much what's behind that makes up the rest of your life.

Brooke, congratulations! You were so great in high school 

and I wish I would have been more like you in so many ways. 

As with all, you will be great in this next chapter too. So proud of you!

Part 2: "my nickname is tree" and an adventure

One of my very favorite memories from my childhood is when dad took us salamander fishing. I'm sure it didn't start out as that, but we were all together out on the ranch and we came across this little spring (at least I think it was a spring) that was full of salamanders. Dad got right down in the water and caught them and let us hold them and feel their rubbery skin and I remember being so happy and full of wonder. You know the kind? That giddy excited wonder you can only feel as a kid.

Well Friday morning papa, Clara, and I hopped in the polaris for a drive (and some chores, or it just wouldn't be a ranch) We drove "reeawy fast", used my arm as a seat belt, and had a conversation about nicknames, in which I was informed that Clara's nickname is not Roser, it's Tree... a fact that I was told I could not disclose to her mother. (I was about crying)

We made a detour so Papa could show Clara a waterfall that's running right now. We hiked up to the top with Clara on Papa's shoulders, then made our way down to the pools at the bottom. And guess what we found? Salamanders! Papa hopped in with his boots on and caught one for Clara to see. She wasn't sure she wanted to hold it, but after we told her they were really nice and didn't have teeth she wasn't scared a bit and kept telling us, "salamanders are reeaawy nice".

We hiked back out along the stream and on our way we found a turtle, so I pulled off my boots and hopped in to catch him. We held him and looked and him for a minute, and he even popped his head out after a few minutes to let Clara get a good look. Then we let him back into the water (not that we wouldn't have anyways, but Clara very much insisted) and went on our way. Jay and I have said it a thousand times, but we feel so grateful and lucky to have the ranch, and parents that love our Rory (and will love our other littles too someday) and will take them on adventures that let them feel that wonder.