Motherhood: A trial of fire

There's a concept I've never spoken out loud.

It felt too vulnerable and scary.

I don't even know that the voice constantly running in my head had put it into words. 

Because words make it real and to be honest- I didn't want it to be real. 

Because shame, and expectation, and upward progression... you know?

Then my sister in law threw it out in a family conversation one day. 

We were laughing about our kids throwing fits during quarantine and how we're all losing our minds and our tempers a little and all of a sudden she said, "I think I was a better person before I became a mom." 

It was my actual worst fear spoken out loud- and it hit me square in the chest. I had been scared to death, because for a while now, I've been feeling like I've become a worse person through motherhood instead of a better one. Because isn't that what people say? Motherhood made me more of myself, and filled with love, and stretched me, and made me so much better and less selfish....?

I had been listening from my bed (being pregnant and nauseous will do that to a girl) but I stood up and walked over to let her know that she had just spoken my truth. 

Immediately every mother on that call laughed hysterically (in a very 'we feel you girl' type way) and my mother-in-law chimed in that she had said the same thing to my father-in-law when she was a young mother. 

But how could this be?! Eternal progression! Why don't the trenches of motherhood and family life seem to be such a stretch for the "more of myself" moms?

But what if that progression.. the eternal kind... isn't a straight upward trajectory? What if you're on a path that leads to elevation 100, and you're at 95... but the Lord wants you to reach 1000, so He puts you on a path that starts back at 85, but you have potential on that path to get to 700? Divorce, death, job loss, failure, and radical change all can seem like a set back in the moment but often they put us on this beautiful (albeit often painful) growth trajectory. What if ease and comfort and routine and warm sunshine aren't the point? What if that trajectory is the point?

Anything that's worth doing is hard, so they say (whoever "they" is") but would it be hard, or challenging at all if it was just straight upward? If there weren't paths with some elevation loss, cloud cover, or shrubs blocking the view?

I think if we're working hard and constantly feeling the fruit of our labor it's more of a carrot before the horse situation that requires no faith. And although there have certainly been stretches of motherhood that have felt love-soaked and sacred (I always think of Rory at 18 months), I've had to practice a lot of faith. I haven't always been able to see the carrot. There hasn't always been love and bathtubs of giggles and hugs and sloppy kisses and I love yous before I lay them in their beds each night and it hasn't been all puzzles and sunshine and tickle fights each day either.

I think motherhood is the epitome of trial by fire. And I'm practicing faith for that gleaming diamond I'm turning into (I pray) at the end. I'm certainly still a lump of coal in the midst for now, but I get glimpses every once in a while. Of the diamond, the house being built, the majesty of the mountain through the shrubs. And it reminds me what path I'm on, and helps me continue to forge forward. On days there are carrots and on days when there aren't. 

A nursery reveal, two years late.

It's been two and a half years, so I guess it's about time for a nursery reveal. 

We knew the moment we first walked into this house that this tiny corner room would be the nursery. It is tiny and wonderful and after painting the walls a ghastly too-dark shade of raspberry pink, we found the perfect peachy pink shade for the walls. Muted, but just a little girly. (Behr Almond Kiss if you wanted to know!)

Everything in this room is gifted, second hand, discount (hello, swivel rocking chair from TJMaxx and cheap Amazon curtains!) or handmade and I love the way it all came together. It's the most meaningful and sentimental room in the house and I'll forever think of my sweet baby Rory in it. 

It's also the room that (aside from re-painting) required the least amount of prep work. It was a lovely shade of lilac when we bought the house as opposed to the terrible, pealing, cheap, brown paint everywhere else and it seemed to be mostly well-cared for. (we won't talk about the 150+ nail holes I had to fill on my office walls. I counted. It was unbelievable) 

We've since moved Rory to a twin bed, put the crib in storage, and sold the changing table. A lot seems to be changing with a very indefinite future ahead.  Lately, and very poignantly since June I've spent an extra allotment of time in this room with Rory trying to soak her in. I know she won't be little and full of adventure in this tiny nursery again and to me it feels like sacred ground. 

A couple of details for those interested:

-the mobile I made myself. I knew I wanted Rory's nursery to have a somewhat floral theme and I had the idea for it in my head and couldn't find exactly what I wanted-so I made it.

-the banner is a hand-painted gift from my sister that hung across the mantle at Rory's baby shower in California. She's the best sister ever. 

-The unicorn lamp is Target, and one of the only full-priced items pictured, because it's amazing. 

-and the little nightstand was a thrashed little thing I found for $5 secondhand and sanded down to re-paint with a tiny test-color pot of paint that cost maybe $2 at home depot.  It makes for the perfect little bookshelf.

Momming part I: takes and tips

This post isn't about MY mothering tips, but rather the things I've learned that have made the biggest difference in the way I mother and the dynamic that I have with Rory. I don't think every kid is the same, but the same way there are  marriage principles that apply universally, I think there are mothering "principles" if you will, that apply pretty well across the board.

Every kid wants to be heard. (you'll find with most of these, the principles also apply to adults. Don't we all want to be heard?). So listen when they speak. I find that if I really listen and respond to what Rory has to say, she doesn't get frustrated or louder or scream or practice any negative behaviors to get my attention. I look in her eyes, respond, and she moves on content. Obviously, there are times you can't listen right away to your child, or it's inappropriate to give them your full attention (i.e. when you're in a conversation with another adult) and a simple thing I read that I'm working on is to have your child hold your hand when they need your attention and you aren't available to talk right away. 

Be direct. Kids don't know or understand semantics, and they don't read between the lines. So if we ask, "honey, can you do this for me?" and they say 'no' we don't have a right to be upset. They were asked a question, and they gave an answer because asking a question implies that you have a choice. If there is no choice in the matter, don't ask a question. Say, "I need you to go get your shoes on right now, please" if that's what you want. I learned this principle from a University preschool director and author, and when I went home I realized how much I asked questions when the thing I wanted was a request! (By the way, this rule applies with adults too. Being straightforward and kind makes a world of difference) She compared this to the way God speaks when he says, "This is my beloved Son. Hear Him." Completely direct, right?! 

Consistency is KEY. One more time people: consistency is KEY. This is the parenting advice that I think helps both Rory and I the most. I take no credit whatsoever- I didn't come up with this. But I've watched some really good parents nail this concept and it works. I find that as I practice setting boundaries and being consistent it pays off in terms of Rory's behavior and our relationship together. What I mean by this, is when you say you will do something- do it. When you say you will not- don't. When you say they have to go to time out if they do that one more time or they can't have ice cream if they don't eat some salad- follow through! It's hard. It's really hard. Because it's really inconvenient most of the time. If I say to Rory that she has to pick up what she just threw on the ground and she decides she doesn't want to, it may take a half hour and 3 time outs to make it happen (this really happened last week when I had a friend visiting) when it would have taken me all of 30 seconds. It's also hard because you have to REALLY think about your words before you say them and mean it. You can't throw consequences around like confetti then change your mind when you realize you don't want to follow through. The more consistent you are, the more your child trusts you (for good and for bad! ha). And for us, the more we practice this concept, the less boundaries she feels like she has to test. Because that's what they call it right? Testing boundaries? And if there are no boundaries, or if they are different every time, they will continue to try to find them.

Honestly, I think empathy can go a long way with parenting, and it's really easy to have unrealistic expectations with kids. They are young, and learning, and feeling all kinds of new emotions and frustrations that they don't know how to handle every day. I lean toward wanting Rory to act like a tiny, well-behaved adult all the time but when I keep in perspective how it might feel to be her, it helps me to have more patience and empathy as her mom.  

I call the combination of these things fighting the good fight. Because it's hard. But it's so worth it. I have a really good kid, but she's hard-headed and intelligent and throws tantrums on a regular basis like any other toddler. It's so rewarding to watch her grow and to see parenting practices like these pay off in kindness and genuine helpful behaviors as she learns. 

Happy Mothers day, champions

Mother's Day is funny. It falls right in the middle of life. Beautiful, busy, messy life.

And while I am a full fledged believer in the sentiments behind Mother's Day, I hope we love on our Mamas more than that. I hope we call them. I hope that we try to be kinder than we were in high school, I hope we tell them they did (or are doing) great through our words and actions.

This was a hard week for being a mom around our house. Rory was teething, so she favored early mornings and short naps. And last weekend I came down with this cold that I have NOT been able to get rid of, and like they say, "babies don't keep". When you're sick as a mom, the show must go on. You can't call in sick, or ditch school, or lie in bed and work from home. You work at home. And there is just as much poop and crying and feeding and loving on sick days as any other day.

And in this young stage of Motherhood there's nobody to say, "thanks mom" or "I love you mom" or "my mom's the best mom". There's a lot of guesswork and trying and hoping that you're doing the right thing all amidst both the most magical giggles and highest pitch screams. And when your love language is words of affirmation (or honestly anything else), it can sometimes be hard to feel loved and appreciated when you're in the throws of your life's greatest work. But gosh if it isn't still the best work I've ever done.

So this year I didn't feel glamorous on Mother's Day (let's be real, I don't feel glamorous often these days) but I felt loved and needed. And my baby called for mama from her room when she couldn't fall asleep so I'll take that as an I love you. (*and I got a back massage and flowers from Jay and Zane brought dinner so I didn't have to cook. Kudos to my main men)

And she's calling for me now, at the top of her lungs, yelling "muuuah!" AND "mama mama" so I must be off.

But I went through my pictures from the last year and picked the ones that tug my heartstrings on the subject of being a mama. You should do it sometime, it's a good practice in loving your babies and the work you do in caring for them.

So to the mamas I know, and those I don't, and especially to those in the trenches... You got this *fist bump* and I love you and your babies love you and someday will say thank you and I love you and you're the best and not misbehave on Mother's Day. Cheers. Eat some cake (I made myself, and have subsequently finished, a Texas sheet cake for the occasion. Worth it.)

our tiny human: 10 months

Rory really seems to get more and more fun every month. She now smiles and laughs and plays and thinks her dad and Boo are funny. She is happy as a clam to sit and play most times (the obvious exceptions being when she's teething, hungry, or tired) and calls for her puppy "Ba" over and over until she comes and lays at her feet. I've started to get brave enough to take her to child care at the gym a couple times a week and they've asked more than once upon my return, "does she ever cry?" to which I chuckle and say "not really, she's a pretty good kid" which is true. She has her moments that are tough, but that has everything to do with being a baby and nothing to do with her temperament. She's currently sleeping in the carseat on the floor next to me, the tiny champion. 

At 10 months she:

-has two teeth. One just barely broke the skin, but the other sticks up and I call it her little snaggle tooth. She has this super cheesy, squinty-eyed, full-faced smile that shows it off perfectly.

-is a good sleeper, but is cutting back on morning hours and now sleeps from 7:30p-7:30/8a and is then up until her morning nap around 11. I haven't been sleeping super well, so getting up before her to get in my morning chores and prep pre-baby has been a challenge!

-feels a broader range of emotions. She cries now if something scares her. And on the flip side, she has a sense of humor. It's amazing how all of these new parts of her personality come out. 

-doesn't have any desire to crawl, but loves to stand up holding onto either us or a couch, table, etc. She can rotate 360 degrees in seated position and has a pretty impressive reach to grab whatever she wants. My guess is she will walk before she really gets around to crawling. 

-jabbers all the time. Ma-ma, da-da, na-na, ba, etc. She loves them all, and when she's in the mood throws in a good old fashion high pitched scream for variety. (<-- which is only cute for the first five seconds)

-has a constant companion in her trusty steed Boo, who never fails to give her too many kisses and be forever up in her business. That is except when Rory instates one of her high-pitched screams, which drive Boo away (even though most times they are screams of protest because Boo isn't close enough to her).

-finally loves her bath... *hallelujah! praises!* so that's what we do for a solid 30 minutes during the grumpy stage before bedtime. And she's a freakin sweaty kid, so I'm glad this all happened before summer temperatures really set in.

We feel lucky every single day to have this perfect girl as a part of our family. 

We honestly think she's the best and say to each other in bed every night, "she's so awesome". (true story)

9 months: a splash of green

Our baby is getting so big! She's seeming much more like a big baby these days. Does that make any sense at all? There are little babies and big babies... like... the stage before toddlerhood, where they're moving and interacting but they're still babies? Anyways, that's what Rory feels like to me at 9 months. There's no more cross-body baby holding, and there seems to be more singing and clapping and playing. We are loving it all the same. The bittersweetness of parenthood, huh?

At 9 months Rory:
-Observes everything where ever we go. She looks at people and studies plants and lights and families. Everything seems to be fascinating to her.
-Has a list of babysitters who are dying to play. Honestly, it has been such a huge blessing being in Provo to be around all of our friends who love our baby and want to be in her life. Especially Uncle Zane, that guy thanked me at least 3 times for us letting him babysit last weekend, and Rory is pretty enamored with him herself.
-Doesn't crawl, but is just starting to show interest (see the sequential images of her latest efforts below) She rocks back and forth to try and get to her knees, but typically ends up flat on her stomach and hopefully ends close enough to get whatever is is she wants. If not, she starts squawking for me to come get her back sitting upright.
-Still has no teeth, though the teething adventure of this past week was no joke. The doctor was a little perplexed by the severity of her fever and mucus during the whole affair and told me to call if it gets that bad again, but it has all since gone away and our happy baby is back.
-When she isn't teething or sick, sleeps beautifully. She goes down around 7:30-8 post daylight savings time, wakes up because she's pushed herself against the slats at the top of the crib around 5:30am (we put her pacificer back in and she goes right back down), wakes up to nurse around 7:30 and sleeps again until 9! It's dreamy and I love it.
-Definitely prefers mom at this point, and I'm not complaining. She still loves daddy, but if I'm in the room it makes it harder for them to have a good time together.
-Loves most all food and still chews with those little bare gums like a champion. Baked carrots, beans, eggs, sweet potatoes, yogurt, and frozen blueberries are her current favorite foods (along with anything sweet dad happens to give her while I'm not looking).
-Waves at pretty much everyone, is always the star of the show, and gets the attention of every strangers anywhere we go.

We love her.
* Uncle Zane took us out to lunch today, (have I mentioned we love him?) so there's pictures of that too. And a green head tie for St. Patricks day! We fully plan on having green alfredo with gnocchi for dinner to celebrate. Any suggestions on fun (and original) St. Patrick's day traditions for next year when Rory is old enough to appreciate it?