Momming part I: takes and tips

This post isn't about MY mothering tips, but rather the things I've learned that have made the biggest difference in the way I mother and the dynamic that I have with Rory. I don't think every kid is the same, but the same way there are  marriage principles that apply universally, I think there are mothering "principles" if you will, that apply pretty well across the board.

Every kid wants to be heard. (you'll find with most of these, the principles also apply to adults. Don't we all want to be heard?). So listen when they speak. I find that if I really listen and respond to what Rory has to say, she doesn't get frustrated or louder or scream or practice any negative behaviors to get my attention. I look in her eyes, respond, and she moves on content. Obviously, there are times you can't listen right away to your child, or it's inappropriate to give them your full attention (i.e. when you're in a conversation with another adult) and a simple thing I read that I'm working on is to have your child hold your hand when they need your attention and you aren't available to talk right away. 

Be direct. Kids don't know or understand semantics, and they don't read between the lines. So if we ask, "honey, can you do this for me?" and they say 'no' we don't have a right to be upset. They were asked a question, and they gave an answer because asking a question implies that you have a choice. If there is no choice in the matter, don't ask a question. Say, "I need you to go get your shoes on right now, please" if that's what you want. I learned this principle from a University preschool director and author, and when I went home I realized how much I asked questions when the thing I wanted was a request! (By the way, this rule applies with adults too. Being straightforward and kind makes a world of difference) She compared this to the way God speaks when he says, "This is my beloved Son. Hear Him." Completely direct, right?! 

Consistency is KEY. One more time people: consistency is KEY. This is the parenting advice that I think helps both Rory and I the most. I take no credit whatsoever- I didn't come up with this. But I've watched some really good parents nail this concept and it works. I find that as I practice setting boundaries and being consistent it pays off in terms of Rory's behavior and our relationship together. What I mean by this, is when you say you will do something- do it. When you say you will not- don't. When you say they have to go to time out if they do that one more time or they can't have ice cream if they don't eat some salad- follow through! It's hard. It's really hard. Because it's really inconvenient most of the time. If I say to Rory that she has to pick up what she just threw on the ground and she decides she doesn't want to, it may take a half hour and 3 time outs to make it happen (this really happened last week when I had a friend visiting) when it would have taken me all of 30 seconds. It's also hard because you have to REALLY think about your words before you say them and mean it. You can't throw consequences around like confetti then change your mind when you realize you don't want to follow through. The more consistent you are, the more your child trusts you (for good and for bad! ha). And for us, the more we practice this concept, the less boundaries she feels like she has to test. Because that's what they call it right? Testing boundaries? And if there are no boundaries, or if they are different every time, they will continue to try to find them.

Honestly, I think empathy can go a long way with parenting, and it's really easy to have unrealistic expectations with kids. They are young, and learning, and feeling all kinds of new emotions and frustrations that they don't know how to handle every day. I lean toward wanting Rory to act like a tiny, well-behaved adult all the time but when I keep in perspective how it might feel to be her, it helps me to have more patience and empathy as her mom.  

I call the combination of these things fighting the good fight. Because it's hard. But it's so worth it. I have a really good kid, but she's hard-headed and intelligent and throws tantrums on a regular basis like any other toddler. It's so rewarding to watch her grow and to see parenting practices like these pay off in kindness and genuine helpful behaviors as she learns.