The hardest year of my life/how I made it

Last summer my grandpa died, and thus ushered in the hardest year of my life thus far. The 11 months after that included my parents getting separated and divorced, losing a cousin, and a painful miscarriage. It was a lot to take on in a year, and one year later I'm still standing, but in a radically different world than I did before.

I'm not saying I have come out unscathed from the hardest year of my life (thus far). But I am saying I survived- and I feel emotionally stable and healthy and in a good place almost every day now. I know it may not be the worst year of my life ever but by any standard it was a pretty life altering and terrible period of time. There are a million different ways to have a really hard period of your life, but I found that when I was doing certain things I was much more okay than when I wasn't- and the same may ring true for you.

1. Find your therapy. (Also, if you need it, get some therapy) Find something that's therapeutic for you, and make the time to do that thing. I write, and I exercise and I sat down and made goals about those things even though I've got a lot on my plate. This is related to recharging your batteries (below), but distinctly different. Therapy can recharge your batteries, but more than that therapy helps actively clear your mind and recenter your spirit.

2. Say no. There are "no" periods of our lives, and there are "yes" periods. (link here to a podcast I love that talks about this very thing) Essentially, it's ok to say no. Not to everything- but when you are overwhelmed and know what you need to do to stay afloat, say no to the things that are more than you can handle. Narrow things down, cut out the static and focus on the core things you need to focus on. (e.g. taking care of your mind, body, and your family relationships)  If you can't take on another project or responsibility it's ok to say no. I did this quite a bit on my hardest days, and I always looked back and was grateful that I allowed myself some grace. Sidetone: this is a lot easier to do and a lot less guilt inducing when you are open with friends and family. A straight "no" is a lot more harsh and a little less honest than a "you know what, I wish I could. We are going through a lot/have a lot on our plate right now and I really feel like I can't take this on right now"

3. Recharge your batteries SO. MUCH. MORE. OFTEN. For example, I like people and I like being with and talking to people....but when I need to recharge, I am a classic introvert. And so is Jay. I need to stay home and take a bath, and clean my house, and do my nails and read a book. And when you are in the middle of something really hard, you are so emotionally spent so often that you need to do more recharging than you might normally do. Maybe recharging for you looks like girl's nights or long walks or good workouts. Find out what recharges you and do more of it.

4. Sit in your feelings and feel them. Don't wallow in your feelings forever, but don't suppress them in hopes that they will disappear. (Big hint: they don't) Sit and take them as they come. Get mad, cry when you need a good cry, call a safe person and talk it out if you need to explode. If you don't know how to feel and express complicated emotions therapy is a good option to help you sort through them.

5. Hold onto your God and your spirituality with your life. If you've ever heard the term "buy low, sell high" the principle applies here so well. (can you tell I was raised by a father in the financial industry...?) The concept is that people get scared when things (stocks, etc) are low and things are hard and they bail out because it's scary and hard to stay. In reality, that is the worst possible thing you could do. You should evaluate whether to pull when things are high- the low times are when it's most important to stay and ride the curve back up.  Stay in the boat. Ride out the wave. All of these sayings are about staying on board with whatever was keeping you stable and safe even when it gets scary.

6. Keep your head up and look forward. There are so many things you can't control in the past or things that you could dwell on that could suck up your entire day, week, or year. No matter how intense or non-intense our hardships have been, this is true. But we also all have so many good things to look for in the future. We each also have new experiences and hope ahead of us. Tomorrow is always a new day and the good news is we can keep refocusing on the hope ahead rather than the tragedy and heartache in the past and sometimes the present.

Essentially, simplify your life and focus on the essentials. Really take a deep look at yourself and your situation to figure out what helps you. Be kind and forgiving to yourself, and even more than that be a little more kind and forgiving to others- because you know what it feels like to not feel your best.

The one college lecture I remember

There was a specific lecture in college in which I both decided on my major,
and also learned a principle I've never forgotten and one that has changed my life for the better.

Let me start by emphasizing that I believe we are all born to create. We are creative beings.
But I think too often we get caught up in the term "creative" as right brained or left brained or artsy or crafty or deep or borderline genius when really, I think it's much more simple than that.
We create every single day. We create in our relationships: we create trust, we create understanding, we create experiences. We create in our jobs, we create in our homes, we create in our social media presence.

Now back to the point. There I was in my intro to marketing class, and the professor asked us to think up a really cool, creative clock: one that's unlike anything we had ever seen before. So I sat, and my mind raced, and I came up with exactly.... nothing. Then he suggested we turn to our partner and create a new, creative clock that was an owl. So many cool ideas started to sprout- it could have wings that spread when it chimed or feathers that shimmered and glowed at the strike of the hour, or any number of cool things.

Then he revealed this simple principle that has changed my life: "Creativity loves constraint". It seems simple enough, but the more I thought about it the more true it became. You see, this principle changed my life because it changed the way I see constraints.

Every time I have a new constraint show up in my life, I try to figure out how that's going to stretch my creativity. How I'm going to make things work within that constraint. Jay and I have only had one car for over two years now, so I started going to the gym at 5am last year to make my schedule work. My schedule got more creative (and hard, but I really really loved that time) to work within the constraint. When Jay and I moved to Utah, we had a budget to buy a house with. Because of that budget, we bought a foreclosure to get a house we really truly loved. We would never have bought the house we did if we could have afforded a nice, new house just like it. I had to be creative to decorate our house on a  budget. I had to walk into DI and look at everything with a creative eye. I have had to learn new skills and new talents and make curtains and shop clearance sales and make old pieces work instead of buying new pieces. If a person wants to stop using foul language (constraint), they have to be creative and find new ways to say things! The list of examples could go on forever.

The moral of the story is we all have constraints. We have time constraints and budget constraints and constraints within our relationships. And it's really easy to look at those as negatives, but this principle taught me that it doesn't have to be that way.

And for good measure, here's Rory and I in our matching unicorn outfits that I made from things I already had on hand plus less than ten dollars in supplies because... can you guess? Constraints. 

So I want to hear what other constraints have forced you to be creative and learn new skills or create something in a different way than you otherwise would have!

Miscarriage: A Sorority of Strong Women

I was exactly 11 weeks pregnant on the day of our first appointment.

We were so so excited, and were planning to announce the happy news to our family the next week on vacation. We had braced ourselves for staying home for Christmas, because I was due in early January. We had Rory watch the Daniel Tiger episode about his baby sister to prep her to tell her she was going to be a big sister. My sister just had a baby in March, and our babies would be less than a year apart. Rory was so ready, we were so ready, our world seemed so ready for our growing family.

I had Rory in California, so I'd never met with an OB in Utah before. I'd done my research and read really good things about the OB we were meeting with and in the first two minutes, I knew I'd done a good job. He was gregarious and kind, and had incredible bedside manner. We wouldn't have made a different choice if we could've. My pregnancy had been relatively easy, and I hadn't been nearly as nauseous as I was with Rory. I chalked it up to being at home (instead of working full time) where I could rest more often and graze with a whole pantry of options at my disposal. Jay chalked it up to the baby being a boy. I'd been taking better care of myself and going to the gym 4 times a week wanting to keep that up as long as possible, and wanting to run a race with Jay's family in October if I could. It had really been a breeze, and I was feeling great. I had spotted a little here and there, but I spotted quite a bit while I was pregnant with Rory so I didn't think anything of it. The morning of my appointment, I bled ever so slightly. Jay asked me on the way to the appointment, "on a scale of 1-10, how worried does that make you?" I said a 5- I honestly wasn't worried. 

But the moment the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong. He kept searching and searching for what I knew from having a Rory should have been relatively easy to find. He couldn't find the baby, and when he did- he couldn't find a heartbeat. My reaction then was the same as it is now, almost two months later as I write this. My breath started coming rapid and shallow and I tried with all I had to hold back the tears. I pressed my cheek into the seat and tried to slow my breathing, but it didn't seem to matter what I did. By the time he told us out loud that our baby had no heartbeat I was sobbing. The kind of sobbing where you can't speak, and you can't move. He gave me a hug and told me he was so so sorry. That sweet, sincere man was an angel. He left the room and told us he would be back in a minute so we could talk about what happens next. What happens next is for another time, but giving birth to a baby no matter how small is a terrible thing to have to do if there's no screaming, pink, chubby-cheeked love on the other side. 

There was so much kindness shown to us those few days after and the subsequent week which I will never be able to adequately repay. 

Before this all happened, I really feel like God had prepared all of these tender mercies for me. Months before, I was painting my friend's nails and somehow her two miscarriages came up and she shared her experience. A friend in my neighborhood had a second miscarriage in a row and was brave and vulnerable enough to post what had happened and a public thank you to all of those people who helped her with meals and support. Family members had told me they had experienced miscarriages, and I knew they were not uncommon.

In all the pain of miscarriage, of losing a tiny person that I held and loved and planned for for months and years- I never felt alone. I'll never, ever forget sitting in the car after that appointment with Jay, just crying together and wondering what to do now. He turned to me and said, "You're joining a sorority of strong women". It resonated with me. It spoke truth to my soul. In all this heartache, there was this sorority of women who knew what I was going through and had gone through it before. There's something about standing together, even if it's only symbolically. 

And that's why I share these things that are hard and vulnerable and close to my heart. Every time I go to write things like this, I almost don't, because I don't want to bring undue attention or pity or judgement on myself. I share these things because somewhere out there there's somebody who had a heartbreaking miscarriage and felt all alone. And I want them to know it's ok, and it's painful and it hurts. But you aren't alone. And if you need someone to reach out to, I'm listening. Come join this sorority of strong women who have survived the pain you are feeling right now, and they will stand behind you and succor you. And instead of alone you can feel validated and strengthened. 

Because if we aren't all here on earth together to to that for one another, why are we here?

A picture our happy family of three. Because although I long for the day when there's more of us, we are really happy to be a family.

Of economics and of soul mates

I've sold more than one item second hand. Have you? I've sold unopened water filters and shoes and cars and mattresses, etc.

And there's one thing I've learned. (Aside from that sometimes people are flaky and the worst) And it's that not everything has a huge market. And sometimes, even with the things that you love most or have the most value, it may take a while to find the right buyer. Almost always, you just have to wait.

Example: after Jay and I got married I inherited this GORGEOUS black BMW. You guys, I'm talking black, sleek, gorgeous coupe. I felt like a million bucks in that car, and it drove like a million bucks. Black leather, great sound system, fast-- the car was a dream. Then we started feeling like we wanted to have babies and start our family.

You know what doesn't work with a carseat? A low, two-door, beautiful coupe.

So we looked up what it was worth, I detailed it by hand, we took to-die-for pictures of it on a mountain top, and we listed it online. And then....

*crickets*
  and.....
*more crickets*

We couldn't figure out why nobody wanted this car. It was legitimately perfect (I will forever mourn having to sell it in the first place) and I would have kept it forever and ever-- yet, it seemed like nobody wanted it. We waited and waited and waited some more. We received some interest without offers, and some offers that were laughably low. We took it to carmax, only to walk out with an offer so insulting my dad swore he would never do business with them. The whole thing was incredibly disheartening.

It made us question... was the car not worth what we thought it was? Was the authority we referenced to find its value wrong? But we hoped that wasn't the case, we stuck to our guns, and we waited. And you know what? It took a long time, but we found a buyer. We happened to be out of town when they came, and they asked my mom what our lowest price was. She told them a few hundred below list price, and they snatched it right up. And do you know what my mom told me later? She told me she thinks they would have payed full price. Maybe even more. This car was just what they were looking for, and they knew what it was worth. When you find someone who recognizes the value of what you have to offer, you don't have to cut them a bargain for them to want to take it home.

Now on to dating/marriage/self worth/the bigger picture here. Gosh, we all have so much inherit worth inside of us. And our hearts are on the market there for a little while, and sometimes longer. And it's tricky. It's all just really tricky. There's people telling us there is no such thing as a soul mate, and 'you can make things work with anyone'. But you date and date and date and there's still this nagging feeling that you just couldn't make do with what you've been handed so far. And if you feel like there's a soul mate out there for you it can be overwhelmingly heavy concept to carry. And it's just downright hard to reconcile all of the ideas swirling around on the subject with real life and how your heart feels while you're living it.

Basically, it's the worst. But I think our hearts are all a little bit like a precious item for sale-- in the midst of a bunch of other unique, precious items for sale. We're all different and look and feel and sound different and are made up of different stuff. And we're all worth a lot. But not everybody is looking for exactly what you're offering, or maybe they value you a bit under you're worth. Or maybe they would take you for half price but somewhere inside of you it sits wrong. You're worth more than that. And you sit... and you wait... and you wonder if you're worth what you thought you were, or worth anything at all. Maybe you're wondering if there's anybody out there that's looking for, well... you. And you wonder if whoever or whatever told you you were worth something was wrong, or maybe didn't know you well enough.

And here lies your option. You can take a lowball offer, a lot of people do I think. You can lower you price and take less because you think that's what you're worth. Or you can go to the source and the one who knows you best and ask. Ask what you're worth. Ask if you're loved. Ask if someday someone will come and see you and know your value.

You can find somebody looking for you. For some people maybe there's only one buyer in the world that's looking for what we have to offer, but I think for most of us there's probably a few who would see you and you see them and you both know exactly what the others worth, and are willing to pay the price to take that home with you. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes there just isn't any interest coming in, sometimes there seems to be a ton of insulting low ball offers, maybe somebody is interested but with some hefty changes here and there. And you may question what the heck you're doing here, or if it's all worth it. But wait. Be patient. I implore of you. The right one will come and jump at the chance to give all they've got to have you.

I was there. I remember. I remember the ones who were interested but fickle. The ones who thought maybe I was worth it, but changed their mind on the subject from day to day. The ones who just took a look and weren't interested in what I had to offer.

It's economics, people. If there's one buyer out there for you it's just bound to take a minute. If there are two or three that could work it will still take a minute. Every once in a while, fate smiles on people and they find each other right away without a lot of searching, but I think it's much less common. The rest of us must soldier on and exercise patience and try our best not to take our hearts off the market because it hurts to keep it up when it seems like there just aren't any perfect buyers out there.

3 things

I don't know everything,  and I certainly don't know everything about marriage. But here's the deal: Jay and I are imperfect people, but we love each other and we've worked really hard to create a marriage that is happy and comfortable and full of love. We've worked for it, and I think any two people who want to work for it can have a happy marriage too. (I fully understand that relationships are complicated and it takes two to tango, but all of these things have really worked in our specific situation and others that I know. Plus, science and research.)

So here are 3 things we try to do that work.

Think nice:
Your relationship cannot be happy if you're thinking mean or harsh things about your spouse all the time. Happiness and harsh words or critical thoughts cannot coexist. They represent darkness and light, contention and peace, like and dislike and they cannot exist in the same space. Not that we have complete control over what wanders into our head, but I believe we have a choice about what we do with those thoughts once they end up there. So stop it. Stop is as soon and as often as you can. Make a conscious effort to think only good things about your spouse for a full day- a full week- forever. They will feel the difference and so will you. And remember your brain is like a muscle, and the more you work that muscle and choose what you do with those thoughts, the stronger it will get. You can literally rewire your brain. It may take time, especially if you haven't exactly worked on your thoughts very often the last year (or five or ten years).

Don't keep score:
Things aren't even- no two jobs are the same, no two people are the same. Some people enjoy laundry, some people hate dishes, so no two jobs are equal in the grand scheme. Not to mention no to peoples' mental capacities are the same at the same point in time. Some seasons are more emotionally exhausting than others, and it's ok for things to be a little imbalanced on paper during those times. Some days are more exhausting, and we each may have less capacity for things left at the end of those. Preferences and abilities are different: some people care more about it being clean, some people don't. Some people like doing research and planning, and some would rather just go for it. So the best way I've found to even the drawing board is to forget it. Totally and completely forget it. If I want to do something (aka I want the dishes done right this moment or have a clean house or whatever) that's my prerogative- not something Jay is indebted to me for. And vice versa. If he prefers to do really detailed planning on trips and projects or have a perfectly manicured lawn, that can be his thing. Important sidetone: if you need help, ask, but it is never fair to keep silent score against your spouse. It creates immediate opposition. You only keep score if you're on different teams. Stop. It.

Be happy and express love:
If we are to act not be acted upon, I think the best choice we can make is to be happy regardless of the circumstance. I'm always struck at how quickly attitude contagion happens. If Jay is happy, it's hard for me to be upset or angry and vice versa. We (hopefully) love our spouses, and we may even tell them. What if we followed the Savior's advice and took it a step further to show them love and kindness every day. It's a lot easier to think, "they know I love them" than it is to make sure that they know and have not forgotten. Try using their love languages. I'm not exaggerating when I say speaking each others love languages has made all the difference in our marriage. You may be showing them love in ways they don't recognize, which makes you feel bad or irritated, and them feel unloved. Make an effort to show kindness and to be happy regardless of circumstance. When you have capacity to- be the sunshine.

I say these things not because I'm perfect at them, but that I'm imperfect.
I can be intense and emotional and a million other things all in one day,
and these are things that help me to have a happier marriage.
I am happier when I do these things, and I'm trying to be happy.
I believe life is made for us to be happy, so if you aren't feeling happy... trying is always worth a shot.

How to help happy, a birthday list.

I had a birthday last month, and I made a list last year on my birthday that I never published. 

It still rings true so I thought I'd use it and add one more for this past year. 

I remember in high school a girl threw gum at my car...while I was in it. 

A drive by "I hate you" message, if you will. 

That experience really bothered me. It was such a blatant expression of hate, and I hardly knew her. 

After some sleuthing (it was high school. stuff gets around) I found out that the girl hated me because she thought I was fake. She didn't think anybody was actually that happy all the time. 

I couldn't decide whether that made me feel better or worse, because I wasn't faking it. I really was generally happy and tried to be nice. But I also wanted to be genuine, and I wanted people to be able to tell that I was real. Nobody likes being fake, and nobody likes someone who is fake. 

Mind you, my life wasn't perfect in high school. I had friends, but no close friends in my class at school, by my senior year most often ate lunch with the school counselor, and had blaring body image issues at play that eventually turned into an eating disorder. But though that was all very real and I had hard days, I wanted to be happy. So I did all I knew how at that point. 

I've gone through phases where I've been down and depressed, I think everyone does. 

But my life is easier and so much better if I choose to be happy, and I honestly believe it's a choice. 

And not that I'm any sage, but here are 26 things I've learned through trying (and sometimes failing miserably) that work for me:

1. Be nice and you'll never regret it (whether they deserve it or not). 

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt. 

3. Love your family above everything. 

4. Eat together. 

5. When you know you should, but don't want to... do it anyways. 

6. When you follow that advice ^ don't pout, it takes all the good out of it. 

7. Talk to your neighbors. 

8. If you think of something nice to do, do it. 

9. If you dream of something you want to do, do it. 

10. Don't let fear take your joy. Fight back (and if that fear comes from anxiety/depression:get help)

11. Love your body- it is amazing. And if it's healthy, you are more blessed than you know. 

12. Find your escape, and make time for it  (e.g.: reading, running, magazine browsing, painting, etc.)

13. Be confident in who you are. God made you who you are, and there's a reason for that. 

14. Eat what makes you feel good. Sometimes that's a cupcake, and sometimes it's salad. 

15. Figure out how to love your spouse even when you don't feel love toward your spouse. (*or friend, sibling, parent!)

16. We are all trying, and that looks different on everybody.

17. Practice self care. When you feel better, you do better. 

18. Pray. 

19. Practice patience, and if you aren't good you can learn how. 

20. Most things that you think you don't have, you can learn. (insert patience, talents, etc)

21. Learn your spouses (roommate/sibling/boyfriend) love language and speak it. Even if it's unnatural for you.

22. Figure out how to be happy where you are. 

23. Say hi to people, even if you are afraid. 

24. Say I love you. A lot. 

25. Make life meaningful- whatever that looks like for you.

26. Even if you fail, and fail, and fail- keep trying. 

So yeah, some days I feel mopey and tired and grumpy and fail miserably. But I keep trying and that makes a huge difference. When I look back, most days are happy days, not because every moment was happy but because I want to be happy and I make an effort to be.

So cheers to 26, and here's to hoping it's the most genuine, happiest one yet.