So here are 3 things we try to do that work.
Think nice:
Your relationship cannot be happy if you're thinking mean or harsh things about your spouse all the time. Happiness and harsh words or critical thoughts cannot coexist. They represent darkness and light, contention and peace, like and dislike and they cannot exist in the same space. Not that we have complete control over what wanders into our head, but I believe we have a choice about what we do with those thoughts once they end up there. So stop it. Stop is as soon and as often as you can. Make a conscious effort to think only good things about your spouse for a full day- a full week- forever. They will feel the difference and so will you. And remember your brain is like a muscle, and the more you work that muscle and choose what you do with those thoughts, the stronger it will get. You can literally rewire your brain. It may take time, especially if you haven't exactly worked on your thoughts very often the last year (or five or ten years).
Don't keep score:
Things aren't even- no two jobs are the same, no two people are the same. Some people enjoy laundry, some people hate dishes, so no two jobs are equal in the grand scheme. Not to mention no to peoples' mental capacities are the same at the same point in time. Some seasons are more emotionally exhausting than others, and it's ok for things to be a little imbalanced on paper during those times. Some days are more exhausting, and we each may have less capacity for things left at the end of those. Preferences and abilities are different: some people care more about it being clean, some people don't. Some people like doing research and planning, and some would rather just go for it. So the best way I've found to even the drawing board is to forget it. Totally and completely forget it. If I want to do something (aka I want the dishes done right this moment or have a clean house or whatever) that's my prerogative- not something Jay is indebted to me for. And vice versa. If he prefers to do really detailed planning on trips and projects or have a perfectly manicured lawn, that can be his thing. Important sidetone: if you need help, ask, but it is never fair to keep silent score against your spouse. It creates immediate opposition. You only keep score if you're on different teams. Stop. It.
Be happy and express love:
If we are to act not be acted upon, I think the best choice we can make is to be happy regardless of the circumstance. I'm always struck at how quickly attitude contagion happens. If Jay is happy, it's hard for me to be upset or angry and vice versa. We (hopefully) love our spouses, and we may even tell them. What if we followed the Savior's advice and took it a step further to show them love and kindness every day. It's a lot easier to think, "they know I love them" than it is to make sure that they know and have not forgotten. Try using their love languages. I'm not exaggerating when I say speaking each others love languages has made all the difference in our marriage. You may be showing them love in ways they don't recognize, which makes you feel bad or irritated, and them feel unloved. Make an effort to show kindness and to be happy regardless of circumstance. When you have capacity to- be the sunshine.
I say these things not because I'm perfect at them, but that I'm imperfect.
I can be intense and emotional and a million other things all in one day,
and these are things that help me to have a happier marriage.
I am happier when I do these things, and I'm trying to be happy.
I believe life is made for us to be happy, so if you aren't feeling happy... trying is always worth a shot.
This was so important for me to read, thank you Taylor. I think you were inspired to write this, because it came at the exact moment that I needed it. ❤️
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