Heart of Autumn. Or just, my heart currently.

We've had a rough go of it around here.

Gosh, life can be hard and heavy and confusing. 

But I've learned that I can bear it if I just take a minute and refocus, 

and make the center of that refocus the Savior and gratitude for what I have. 

Because we all have something. We all have so much to be grateful for.

On the flip side we all have hard things. We have tensions and trials and burdens to carry. 

So if we made a list of it all I think it would all come out even over the course of life. 

Yours, mine, everyone's. 

And maybe you're skating along pretty easy right now. Or maybe you're crying on your bed. 

Maybe you're praying your guts out in pleading, or maybe in thanks. I don't know.

Just be gentle and be kind, and amidst all the swirling confusion and hate

and weight of the world, or just what's in your own little world. 

Hang tight, and be nice, and put out any sliver of love you can. 

And if it's just a sliver that's ok. I've been there. Some days right now I am there. 

I feel you. And believe it or not, it's not just me. 

I bet you that person you think has it all figured out has been there too. 

And the person next to you in line. Or at work. Or at church or at school.

And if they haven't they will, and they will understand. 

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is happy fall. Hold on to your people. 

Say a prayer, send up thanks. Write a note. Send a text. 

Send out love, however you can and whenever you can. 

And enjoy these pictures of my squishy baby in tights.

It is what's ahead, not behind.

High school is such a fun, confusing time when the world is at your fingertips

and it still mostly feels small and safe. 

Your world still resides largely inside a bubble that feeds, clothes, and protects you. 

Dating is friendly and fun and innocent and doesn't have to go anywhere.

Half of me envies that stage, then the other half of me remembers how hard it can be too.

You don't have freedom to do and be where you want yet, 

society hasn't caught up to how grown up you feel, 

and you really haven't figured yourself out for most of those years. 

I spent far too many hours worrying about whether people could see the fat on my legs 

when I sat in my desk, or wishing I had somebody else skin or clothes or body.

I wish somebody would have by some miracle made me understand that none of that really matters, and that the best is yet to come. 

The realest, deepest felt, most expanding, life changing experiences are still out there. 

Enjoy high school for what it is! Don't wish for it to be different or over. 

And be so excited for what's just around the bend, it is so so good if you choose it.

It's what's ahead, not as much what's behind that makes up the rest of your life.

Brooke, congratulations! You were so great in high school 

and I wish I would have been more like you in so many ways. 

As with all, you will be great in this next chapter too. So proud of you!

My grown up littlest sister

Last week I braved the barren sojourn to California with a baby and puppy in tow.
Most everyone thought I was crazy, but it was a fun adventure!
(one that added a few extra hours to the trip to be sure)
But it was all worth it to see my little sister graduate from high school.
I've been there for all of my siblings graduations, and it didn't disappoint.
I'll share pictures of that later, but I think a tribute to Brooke is what's in order today.
I was lucky enough to be in town a few months ago to take her senior pictures, and my goodness the girl shines.

Brooke literally doesn't care what anybody thinks. She is who she is, and there is no pretending for anybody. She begged my mom to use such tight curlers that she could wear a full afro to school when she was in elementary school.

She stayed out until well past midnight hanging out with my freshman in college dorm-mates when I couldn't because I had to write a paper. (She was twelve, and they honestly thought she was the coolest)

She slept in my bed with me every night of my senior year until I left for college after realizing that I wasn't going to live there anymore after that. (and would leave me surprises under my pillow when I spent the night somewhere else)

She cried at my wedding (#besties), but then subsequently became besties with my husband and forgot all about being sad.

She is the best baby whisperer I know aside from my mom, and that's saying something.

I love you Brooke and I'm excited to watch the next chapter of your life unfold! (And from 5 miles away. SCORE) You are beautiful and talented and smart and have way too many people that love you. We are your biggest fans.

Christmas '14: The Christmas of Clara

Wait, is that allowed?
Mom, I'm not discounting all of the awesomeness that was my own Christmas....
but if we were all being honest with each other, I think it would be unanimously agreed:
this Christmas belonged to Clara. And I picked the title because, well, the pictures reflect that.
But you won't complain, will you? Great.

Really, Christmas at home (as always) was a dream.
Brooke did, as she has every year since we can remember, sleep in my bed with me.
And no, I didn't kick Jay out. And yes, three is a crowd when you're in the middle.
But I loved it! Santa came Christmas Eve, jammies showed up magically on the beds for the big kids,
and around bedtime, Santa's sleigh bells circled the house and I smiled in the dark.
As always, Brooke and I rose bright and early.
This year we were a little more mature than most, and helped with breakfast instead of directly jumping on everyone to wake them up.

But Christmas was different than it's been before.
For one, I've never had Christmas at home with Jay which is a different kind of wonderful itself.
And Clara- oh, Clara changed everything. She squealed "oh, baby Jesus! He's so cute!"
about ten times a day[referring to our nativity's baby Jesus], and had an obsession with ornaments and
Christmas trees and candy and her brand new baby doll.

We couldn't keep our eyes off of her.
And knowing that there will be three littles the next time we all have Christmas together?
That made it even sweeter.

Oh and happy 16 weeks to our sweet baby as of Saturday!
These pictures are in between 15 and 16 weeks, so that counts for both right?

14 weeks: citrus and little sisters

We've entered second trimester over here!

That's the best thing in the world because I'm hardly ever nauseous anymore.
And I sleep well, and don't die when I get up early to commute with my dad.
And I don't want to puke every time I open the fridge.

Seriously it's a dream.

So I mean there's not many symptoms to speak of aside from my constantly growing tummy.
That, and being starving every two hours.
But oh oh! cravings. If you know me you know I have a serious sweet tooth. And I don't mean like Jolly Ranchers and Sherbet... I mean vanilla, carmel, cookies, ice cream, cupcakes; the sweeter the better.
But I have three unfinished pints of ice cream that have been sitting in the freezer for a month, because all I want is fruity, tart (mostly citrus) anything.
We have a full bag of both oranges and grapefruits in our fridge right now. (I mean, grapefruits?!)
Who eats grapefruits? They're bitter and sour and apparently freaking delicious.
I eat one or two every day.

And I apologize for the late post. We were out of town all last weekend then came home to Brooke's
FIRST DATE/winter formal. And, embarrassingly, I am posting it here.
But there's pictures of Clara too who gives the best "squeeeeze"s and kisses and is obsessed with our dog-like cat who doesn't even get mad when jay picks him up by the tail or clara lovingly chokes him out. The cat is a people freak- I can't even get in my front door without him following me inside. Anyways.... moral of the story is she really can't get that mad (and you can't get mad about the update being late) because the other pictures balance it out- and she looks like a babe, am I wrong?

16 ways I wish I was more like Brooke.

Today is the 16th birthday of the best teenager I know.
She is really something else, I tell ya, and there's about a million ways I wish I could be more like her. For sake of time and your attention, I'll give you 16.

[1] Her sense of style is above and beyond. I'm serious- the girl was wearing combat boots and blazers when she was 13.
[2] She knows who she is and she isn't ashamed.
[3] She knows how to have fun.
[4] She can eat with the champions. a quality we do share
[5] She is funny. Hot dang the girl is funny.
[6] She speaks the truth, even when it's the uncomfortable, awkward truth.
[7] She's a natural born nurturer and a baby whisperer like our mama.
[8] She has rocking blonde beach wave hair.
[9] She is cool. Though she is both fun and funny that's not what I mean-this girl is cool. 
[10] I don't have to babysit her- ever. aka she is quite the independent little tyke.
[11] She's a great sister. Last time I was sick she called to ask if she could bring me soup, bless her soul.
[12] She loves to read. My mom is constantly saying she can't keep her in books.
[13] She tells people what's up, kindly but sternly.
[14] She can apologize. Brooke is awesome, but she is a teenage girl and so naturally there are sassy moments here and there.... you know? But she knows how to recognize them and say sorry.
[15] She doesn't need boys to feel good about herself. That's my girl!
[16] Even though I'm 8 years older, she still thinks I'm cool enough to hang out with.

When my mom came home from the hospital with Zane, I asked when she was taking him back and bringing a girl home. I cried because I just wanted a little sister. Little did I know it would be a few years, but well worth the wait, to have you come along and make my little dreams come true.

I love you Brooke Elizabeth! You are the best little sister I could have ever hoped to have.
You hot babe you.

life lately: graduated and celebrated

This past week was wonderful.
My parents and in-laws came into town for graduation,
and so did my sweet sister and her family!
[that girl... she's the best]
We ate and talked and talked and ate.
Then our tired mouths rested and we watched this one waddle around and give lots of kisses.
Naturally, we were fat and happy and grateful to be together.
Family is the very best.

Not to mention that I graduated from college!
You know, the whole time you are in college, everyone around you is too...
So it's easy to forget that it's any accomplishment at all.
But, as I've been reminded several times since, it's a great accomplishment.
I feel blessed to have had all the support that got me through these past few years.
I am grateful to have a college education and to have studied something I love.
Yay college! Yay family! Yay moving forward.

blogging, a bit of a perfectionism problem, & a birthday

First I want to say thank you
to those of you who reached out and showed gratitude for my last post.
I can't emphasize it enough- we are not alone in this world,
we just need to have courage and be open.
We need each other. Or at least I need you.

Anyways.... let's talk about this blog.
Here's the issue.
I like blogging, I really do.
I like my camera. I like taking pictures. I like it all.
...but I'm gone most days, and cook when I get home and it's dark and lighting is horrible.
But I'm a freak- and feel like I can't create a post without an accompanying picture.
So thus, my writing comes few and far between.

BUT today let's talk about birthdays.
Because they're awesome. and important.
And it's my opinion that everyone should feel special on their birthday.
I think it should be yours too.
Why? Because people are important, and I've thought that since the dawn of time.
And everybody. Good or bad, spoiled rotten or nearly forgotten,
deserves for someone to make them feel special on their birthday.
And all you need is five dollars worth of confetti, streamers, and cake mix really.

And sometimes, you get to come home for your sister's fifteenth birthday,
and don't have many options except for a hotel room and a car.
So you buy all the nail polish and junk food you can gather.
(Including the best dark chocolate raspberry bar I've ever tasted)
And you sing really loud in the car, and paint your nails,
and girl talk until ridiculous hours (or at least ridiculous hours for non-fifteen year olds...)
and decorate like mad while said birthday girl is sleeping.

And speaking of the birthday girl. Man, I love her.
She is the life of the party and the best friend and mother of literally all who she comes in contact with.
She has the best sense of style....ever, and is absolutely adored by everyone.
She is a baby whisperer like my mama, and chuck full of sarcasm like my daddy.
She is one of my favorite people on the good earth and I will love her until the day I die.
Actually, I will love her forever.
I'm glad you picked me to be your sister Brooke, I couldn't have picked a cooler friend if I tried.
And hollaback for being in the homecoming court this week,
and at the Jason Aldean concert right now.
You are quite literally the coolest.