Motherhood: A trial of fire

There's a concept I've never spoken out loud.

It felt too vulnerable and scary.

I don't even know that the voice constantly running in my head had put it into words. 

Because words make it real and to be honest- I didn't want it to be real. 

Because shame, and expectation, and upward progression... you know?

Then my sister in law threw it out in a family conversation one day. 

We were laughing about our kids throwing fits during quarantine and how we're all losing our minds and our tempers a little and all of a sudden she said, "I think I was a better person before I became a mom." 

It was my actual worst fear spoken out loud- and it hit me square in the chest. I had been scared to death, because for a while now, I've been feeling like I've become a worse person through motherhood instead of a better one. Because isn't that what people say? Motherhood made me more of myself, and filled with love, and stretched me, and made me so much better and less selfish....?

I had been listening from my bed (being pregnant and nauseous will do that to a girl) but I stood up and walked over to let her know that she had just spoken my truth. 

Immediately every mother on that call laughed hysterically (in a very 'we feel you girl' type way) and my mother-in-law chimed in that she had said the same thing to my father-in-law when she was a young mother. 

But how could this be?! Eternal progression! Why don't the trenches of motherhood and family life seem to be such a stretch for the "more of myself" moms?

But what if that progression.. the eternal kind... isn't a straight upward trajectory? What if you're on a path that leads to elevation 100, and you're at 95... but the Lord wants you to reach 1000, so He puts you on a path that starts back at 85, but you have potential on that path to get to 700? Divorce, death, job loss, failure, and radical change all can seem like a set back in the moment but often they put us on this beautiful (albeit often painful) growth trajectory. What if ease and comfort and routine and warm sunshine aren't the point? What if that trajectory is the point?

Anything that's worth doing is hard, so they say (whoever "they" is") but would it be hard, or challenging at all if it was just straight upward? If there weren't paths with some elevation loss, cloud cover, or shrubs blocking the view?

I think if we're working hard and constantly feeling the fruit of our labor it's more of a carrot before the horse situation that requires no faith. And although there have certainly been stretches of motherhood that have felt love-soaked and sacred (I always think of Rory at 18 months), I've had to practice a lot of faith. I haven't always been able to see the carrot. There hasn't always been love and bathtubs of giggles and hugs and sloppy kisses and I love yous before I lay them in their beds each night and it hasn't been all puzzles and sunshine and tickle fights each day either.

I think motherhood is the epitome of trial by fire. And I'm practicing faith for that gleaming diamond I'm turning into (I pray) at the end. I'm certainly still a lump of coal in the midst for now, but I get glimpses every once in a while. Of the diamond, the house being built, the majesty of the mountain through the shrubs. And it reminds me what path I'm on, and helps me continue to forge forward. On days there are carrots and on days when there aren't. 

Seeking God's Will

I've searched for God's will for me for a long long time. Every day in every circumstance (ok, not every circumstance, but like... a lot). And I'm going to be completely honest with you, I haven't always felt guided by Him.

DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?
Yeah, me too. But don't leave yet.

I've felt watched over by him, yes. But very often I have felt alone in making decisions. And it feels terrible, doesn't it? The floating in the balance and wanting desperately to know what he wants for you? It's a righteous desire... so why doesn't He answer?

Sometimes, I think He wants us to choose. To exercise our agency- because 'it is not meet to be commanded in all things'. I think this one happens more often than not, and while it's sometimes annoying (maybe it's not for you.... but I am the kind of person who really wants to be doing the right thing... and knowing I"m doing the right thing.... and not wasting time..... I'm obviously not the adventurous type..) it's fine. And doable. And we learn a lot in the process.  

But the experience I want to talk about is one that is a little more touchy. The one where He withholds answers that you know you need. Not because He doesn't have anything to say. The experiences where you feel like you need and want guidance on his will, and you just kind of get crickets... 

And for a long time it didn't make sense to me.

But the other day I was reading my scriptures and it clicked for me.

The Brother of Jared waited and wandered  in the wilderness for YEARS. Like actual years.... seems rude.

But you know what else? He wasn't praying. Do you think if he was forgetting to PRAY he had the kind of faith to be like 'hey God, make these rocks glow please...'?

But that's the kind of faith He needed to do the thing the Lord was going to ask Him to do.

So why didn't the Lord just tell the Brother of Jared what He needed to do and hope that some direction would shape him up into who he was supposed to be?

I believe it's because the Lord is merciful. He is kind. And He wants for us to have the best chance we can at the best life we can possibly have.

Soooo I think sometimes He waits until He knows we are ready not only to listen, but also to act on what it is we hear. It presents a great litmus test, really....

Do I act when He tells me to do little things? When I have the prompting to reach out to someone, take a different route, or make more time for something in my life- do I really listen?

Those little promptings matter. I think sometimes the Lord uses us as His hands in these little moments and sometimes we learn that we were an answer to someone's prayer, or we were kept safe, or a myriad of other circumstances. But I would like to bring up the possibility that maybe sometimes they're little tests to see if we are listening, and if we're brave enough to act after we hear.

We are held to a higher standard if we know what He would have us do and don't do it. So in His mercy, God waits. He waits until He trusts that we are ready to step foot into what he has in store for us instead of sitting in the misery of knowing what we should do and standing idle.


He loves you. He wants to speak to you. He knows what's best for you. And He knows the perfect timing of our lives. I know it I know it I know it. 

29

29 things I've learned
Meant to be written as a general list, but instead came out in a single sitting without pause as a bullet-listed letter to a younger me.

1. It doesn't serve you to feel anything but love and respect for your body, no matter how it looks.
2. You get to choose to only keep thoughts that DO serve you if you want.
3. You can do bigger things than you give yourself credit for.
4. Fail big while you're still at home! If failure scares you there, it's going to scare you into paralysis when you leave.
5. Listen to Macy and get a therapist. What the heck do you have to lose? It's not easier later.
6. God is in the details. He really is. Try to see Him there-it's not hard I promise.
7. The things that shine as "talents" in high school and college have no bearing on how a person's life turns out as an adult. (which is where most of your years are spent)
8. Kiss a boy sooner than 20. It's not worth being so scared of, and it might help you open up and stop keeping everyone at arms distance (hint: that's not serving you)
9. Confidence and arrogance are not the same thing. Confidence will serve you time and again.
10. Say yes to the opportunities. I'm just barely starting to do this. But it's liberating to let go of the excuses when it's something you want.
11. Enjoy the time you have with your family. And don't forget what a safe place that was- even when it gets painful. It's ok, maybe even crucial, to remember the good even when it all seems bad.
12. Save money when you have no bills! I know it's hard, but you can do anything! I know it doesn't feel like it- but you actually are a grown up!
13. It is possible to get better with age, even though everyone tells you to "enjoy it while you can" Weight, confidence, acne, relationships.... so many things can get better.
14. You can even look better after babies than before (although enjoy your belly button, because it's never coming back #worthit)
15. Honor your love of the outdoors. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal now, but you'll need it.
16. You're an introvert. I know you've been told otherwise your whole life, but there's a reason your favorite part of girl's camp was sitting at the stream by yourself with your journal. Honor that too.
17. Maintain the friendships that make you feel seen.
18. Listen to the people that you trust most, but follow your gut every time. You feel things and there's a reason.
19. Silence is ok too, but learn how to ask people questions. You'll never regret learning that skill.
20. I know it seems like everybody already has a group of friends, but branch out at school when you lose all of yours. Everyone is lonely in high school, but nobody wants to say so.
21. People will put their faith in you more than you feel you deserve. Thank them and believe them. That's enough to start.
22. Do every kind thing.
23. Buy what you like, not what your mom and sister like- you're style never does line up with theirs and it's ok to like what you like.
24. You're going to go through some brutal heartbreak and you're going to feel simultaneously like you've been split wide open and crushed by ton of bricks all at once. You'll make it, and you'll think about all those church lessons where you wished you understood the depth of it, and you'll get it now. You will cry every once in a while, maybe for the rest of your life, but it will be worth it for the new depth with which you understand the gospel, if nothing else.
25. You will find someone who loves you unconditionally. And I mean that. You're husband will love you for real, and not for all your outward accomplishments. He will show you what unconditional love actually is.
26. On that note, he isn't who you're picturing now. He's totally different. But he's exactly what you need, and will help you become who God intends you to be.
27. Don't wait. For anything. Theres no perfect timeline for anything.
28. God gave you dreams. So many of them you could burst. It wasn't an accident.
29. You're going to be ok. You're going to be more than ok.

3 ways to have a better Valentines Day

I am a romantic, but I'm not married to a romantic. And I've learned that I'm just a girl with some high expectations for..... well, for everything. So our first few Valentine's Days over here weren't exactly my favorite (not Jay's fault at all, to be clear). But I FREAKING LOVE VALENTINES DAY. And we really have rocked it the past few years (even though I'm a mom to small children and Jay has always worked all day) So if you're a cynic, or looking to make Valentines Day a day better this one is for you! I've compiled a list of things that have changed the game for me.

1. Make it about love in all it's forms.
Don't just make Valentine's Day about receiving love! Know a single friend? Parent? Widow? Another mom of small kids? A teenager who might not receive a lot of love? Make it about showing love in all it's forms. Bake cookies with your kids. Go paint your grandma's nails or stop in for a chat. Go out to lunch with a single friend (one of our favorite traditions!) Paint your own nails and take yourself for your favorite starbucks. When I started focusing on the love I could GIVE it changed everything for me.

2. Don't do gifts if you don't want to do gifts!
Last year Jay and I decided that we just really wanted a new sink for our kitchen, so we spent our money on something we really wanted and watching Jay install it was way better than a necklace! And if you want gifts, do gifts! but....

3. Be Crystal Clear about expectations.
Some people are in the kind of relationship where their partner speaks their love language and inherently knows what to do to make them feel loved and special! And I'm so happy for them! But I think the reality is that most of us don't have that. Our spouses and Significant others aren't mind readers. So try something like "Hey, honey, I would really like to do [this] for Valentine's Day this year. Do you think we could make that happen?"


So if you're single, a cynic, married, or anywhere in between- I hope these help you to have the BEST day ever tomorrow! Show yourself (and your neighbor) some love.

how I do it

I do a lot of things.
I say that, but there's days (not infrequently) that I feel like I've accomplished nothing at the end of the day.
But every time I talk on social media about the things I'm working on, I inevitably get some version of this question.....

"BUT WHERE ARE THE KIDS?!"
Basically, you folks want to know how I do it and have two wild, needy, hungry, perfect, sweet, loud minions running around. And it's a good question that I would probably ask if I was outside my life looking in, too. So this is my attempt to answer it, because a simple phrase won't do the question justice. (Don't we all wish it was as simple as that.  Can I be Molly Weasley and have brooms picking up after my children all day.... ?? #simplefix but I digress)

First, I'm going to tell you a story about the moment my pain to stay still became bigger than my pain to start.

When Rory was three weeks old we moved into a foreclosure. I mean, it didn't have to be gutted.... but it was definitely a foreclosure. The yard was made of weeds our dog could get lost in, the walls had all been painted a hideous brown by the foreclosure company, the carpets reeked of urine, and there were egg stains on the front from some teenage kids. Cute. But Overwhelming. The only thing we hired out was the floor installation (after a huge debacle ripping the nasty carpet out which included baby Rory strapped to my chest and a very mean trespassing goose.... a story for another time). 

We were over the moon, regardless of the flaws. And Rory was colicky, and Jay was working long hours and exhausted every night, and I was totally overwhelmed with both my new situation and the enormity of the projects ahead. (As a side note, I was raised in a house with a dad who preferred to hire out all maintenance, so although I had the heart for it, whether I had the skill was tbd)

Rory didn't nap at all at first, so I spent a lot of time holding her through naptime and staring at the ugly brown walls (as I watched countless hours of Gilmore Girls) but then we got over that hurdle and I thought maybe I could do some things. But I didn't. EVERY, SINGLE wall and ceiling in this house needed to be painted... at a minimum. Not to mention the 137 nail holes in what must have been a poster-clad teenager's room upstairs. So I waited for Jay and I to find some magical hour where we weren't exhausted and didn't have more pressing projects that required a team. Months passed, and it just didn't happen. And I looked at those walls every day. And they were not quite sparking joy if you catch my drift.

But one day I had the realization that if I was intentional with the hour and a half that Rory napped each day, in one week I could have a room painted. And in 52 maybe I could actually do this myself. And I was tired of waiting. So I would prep before she fell asleep. Get my paint clothes on, get all the tools prepped and ready, and the moment she went down I would paint. I felt so empowered. Because I've been where you are, sitting and waiting for a time when I can do all these things I want to do. And I've been on the other side hustling with whatever time I have. Not scrolling, not waiting, not tidying, not delaying, just hustling. (There are still days... lots of them... when I don't hustle like I should. But I've worked on it and I have more days than not when I chase dreams in my downtime)

So if you aren't here for stories here's the four things that I think are the most crucial to understanding how I do the things I do.

1- Just use what you have.
I don't use fancy tools, and we've honestly never had much of a budget for these sort of things. I pay for the stuff I want to do with birthday giftcards and side hustle money selling used clothes. For painting the exterior of our house I literally started by using a roller because I just really wanted to start and if it took all summer I was going to do it (Luckily, a neighbor saw me and took pity on me and my gumption... and we learned how to use his sprayer as we went!) So learn on youtube, borrow tools when necessary, but mostly start where you are using what you have and go from there. In the words of Alison Robertson- DONE IS FUN!

2- Be ok with incremental progress
This is huge- because it's not going to feel like an HGTV makeover show. Immediate gratification is nice, but working your tail off doing things yourself is so much less glamorous. There is sawdust and unfinished projects taking up space, etc. etc. etc. Sometimes for months. depending on the project. (It's easy to think "oh my gosh! 8 posts ago she was starting and now she's done! But I started my closet in October so let that serve as a little reality check for us all) We have never had a nanny (although I just recently struck a trade deal for a couple hours a week with the girl down the street and I. AM. STOKED) or a housecleaner, and for the first four years of the process I didn't even have a car so just do what you can. I've learned to leverage mornings, naptimes, clothing resale apps, and amazon prime. You can do anything you set your mind to, but just set your expectations on incremental but consistent(ish) progress... at least at first.

3- Your house won't be clean.
It just won't, and from watching/knowing other women doing things like this (and not like this)  I just can assure you that if you spend every spare moment in a week working on something that takes you away from your daily routine and chores, YOUR HOUSE WILL BE WRECKED. And unless you have a house cleaner, that's just a price you have to pay. Somebody said to me yesterday, "But your house is probably always clean" and I laughed out loud. They obviously don't know me well enough yet, because it's just not. really. ever.

4- Sometimes the kids will watch TV and eat less than ideal snacks
This is self explanatory, but I always think of my kids playing in the dirt (oh, you thought we had a backyard!? Wrong you were!) wearing their pajamas at 3pm while we painted the house exterior..... and I think they ate cheese sticks and cereal for dinner. You can't have it all. The illusion of a perfectly clean house, perfectly groomed children, and sh*t getting done all at the same time is just that... an illusion.

So there it is. I work slowly, with what I have, sometimes with help but a lot by myself. Some days my kids are a little wilder and the work halts or progresses more slowly. But I've learned to manage expectations and be pleased by progress. Both my time and my budget are small, but my impact can be big if I just give it time. I'll be over here working if you need me.

And now a couple before and afters, because what's more satisfying than that?!
*and a blurred out bra because there aint no going back to take new 'Before' pictures now!*